Real life interaction contains far too many factors to allow me to be comfortable. Here are a few.
Environment. You are outside of your normal environment. It is not a controlled space. There are an infinite number of factors that could potentially occur. Not to mention distractions. And other people. The arrival of each additional person brings up another infinite list of possible turns the situation can take.
Plus, the concerns of safety. The reason the environment is not the normal one is because you want to meet people in a public space. I won't be alone in a person's apartment or in hir car. I can't stop anything negative from happening, if that is the intent. I also don't like people knowing where I live. I don't want them to know where to find me. I like to be in control of if/when they can get ahold of me. Which is also why I shy away from giving my phone number. I can't stop a person from texting me. But I can choose when to open letters or emails.
Body language. Suddenly you have to monitor not only the body language of the person with whom you're interacting, but you have to keep track of your own. You spend all your time trying to make sure you're not resting your flailing body parts in any type of position that would be even vaguely perceived as flirting. You're monitoring the way the other person is carrying hirself. You can't enjoy the interaction because you're constantly keeping tabs on all of the other things.
Schedule. Since I'm a mail carrier, I am up at 5:30am every day. I am in bed before 10 every night. Most people aren't even home from work by the time I'm having dinner, let alone ready to hang out. My schedule does not coexist with many others'. It seems silly--not to mention incredibly exhausting--to stay up later and mess with my sleep cycle in order to have a high-anxiety interaction with another person, which often leaves me completely depleted of energy.
That's just the tip of the iceberg. It's really quite complex.
People ask me why I'm going to be a therapist if I don't like interacting with people. That is an extremely different situation. Short Answer: Those interactions occur in a contained and familiar environment. Its purpose is defined. The boundaries are pre-set. The relationship is clear. The duration of the interaction is predetermined. There are fewer undefined variables.
I refer to interactions with one person because I avoid interactions with multiple people like the plague. I don't even like to interact with one person around other people, i.e. coffee shops, bars, restaurants, etc.
Without the Internet, I would be living a terrible world of unpleasant IRL interactions and never meeting new people. Thanks to the Internet, I can socialize without the added anxiety of real life interaction. I can make these connections without having to worry about ulterior motives. Because no matter how many times I tell people before meeting up with them that I don't want a relationship, a date, or sex (yes, in those exact words), the message doesn't get through and I have to turn my cheek when ze go in for an unsolicited goodnight kiss.
Plus, who the fuck has time for that shit? I work eight hours a day, six days a week. Yoga three times a week, weights twice a week, and cardio three or more times a week. I schedule everything around my workouts. Why would I want to socialize with someone IRL if it means sacrificing my own priorities AND worrying about every single physical aspect of the interaction? No thanks!
Instead, I opt for correspondence. I fucking love letter writing. I enjoy emails and messages. I dabble in the field of gchat. Physical presence isn't important for me. In fact, I tire of it very quickly. But it is not necessary for building and maintaining a solid friendship.
In conclusion: just message me. ;)
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
All At Once, As Always
It's been my experience in life that everything goes wrong at once.
But I've never had things in so many different aspects of my life go wrong at once.
I'm used to one aspect totally falling apart, but not everything. I'm having trouble figuring out how to cope.
Of course it's never pleasant when things go wrong. I know this. I understand this. But that doesn't make it any easier.
I'm struggling.
I need all the hugs.
But I've never had things in so many different aspects of my life go wrong at once.
I'm used to one aspect totally falling apart, but not everything. I'm having trouble figuring out how to cope.
Of course it's never pleasant when things go wrong. I know this. I understand this. But that doesn't make it any easier.
I'm struggling.
I need all the hugs.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Productivity! FINALLY.
Thanks to a wonderful pot of Davidson's organic Mandarin Chai with Anise, I have been kicking serious ass today.
My day began when Deo heard rain and kept me warm in my bed around 7am. I am super warm-natured, so it was too warm. Which was a perfect excuse to get my lazy self out of bed!
So. Today's awesome accomplishments include:
My day began when Deo heard rain and kept me warm in my bed around 7am. I am super warm-natured, so it was too warm. Which was a perfect excuse to get my lazy self out of bed!
So. Today's awesome accomplishments include:
- Move the rest of my boxes out of the garage
- Laundry -- wash, fold, AND put away!
- 1 hour of transcription audio
- Lunch
- Reviewed a few submission reviews on Livemocha.com
- Watched the new episode of the Guild
- Found and decided to buy this AMAZING steampunk knitting book. I AM THE COOLEST OLD LADY EVER.
- Requested new information from multiple grad schools
- Asked some questions about grad apps
- Eat chocolate
- Figure out my Buffy/Angel watching plan
- Watch lots of Buffy
- Almost done narrowing down my grad school list
- My friend got her photos featured here
So, yes. Here's to the power of caffeine!
And here's hoping I can finish my grad stuff and go through boxes. While watching even MORE Buffy. WOOOO!
“But the young educated adults of the 90s -- who were, of course, the children of the same impassioned infidelities and divorces Mr. Updike wrote about so beautifully -- got to watch all this brave new individualism and self-expression and sexual freedom deteriorate into the joyless and anomic self-indulgence of the Me Generation. Today's sub-40s have different horrors, prominent among which are anomie and solipsism and a peculiarly American loneliness: the prospect of dying without once having loved something more than yourself.” - David Foster Wallace
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Drowning in Emotion
Over the past few days, my emotions have been going haywire.
Mood stabilization feels like a myth to me, as it always has. But the past week has been more intense.
Although it has been primarily negative emotions, there have been some positive ones. I've tried to hold onto those. Though hope is really hard for me. Because, life.
I've been extremely lonely lately. Extremely.
It seems for me, the only way to truly eradicate it is through meaningful physical presence. Not just presence, meaningful presence. That's fucking hard. Oftentimes, the presence of a person who is meaningful to me overall does not mean that particular presence is meaningful. So I'm lonely despite presence.
But still, physical presence is better than absence.
Unfortunately, there is not much presence here.
What about virtual presence? The problem with that is its lack of stability.
The thing with physical presence is that I know they're here. Because I can see them. I don't have to wonder if they are going to respond to my text within an hour. I don't have to wonder if they'll reply to my email today, or if they'll get around to it tomorrow.
The closest thing I can get to physical presence via non-physical means is through phone calls. For two reasons: 1) because I have the stability of knowing they are on the other end and 2) I can hear their voice. That's very important for me, as far as trust is concerned. And so I can gauge how disruptive I'm being through tone and syntax. It helps alleviate the guilt of taking up someone's time or upsetting them because they don't have the answers (which I rarely expect, by the way).
Fewer people use their phone for vocal communication, now. And fewer people would I trust enough to let them hear me blubber and sob on the other end.
I've been discovering, lately, that what I really want is a companion. Someone who treats me like I treat them. Someone who values our friendship and would drop everything if I needed them. I do that for my friends. But I don't often see it reciprocated. I have few close friends because I expect myself to live up to these expectations, as well.
Human beings are far from perfect. I understand that, and I accept imperfections, even if it hurts.
But I think I do it too much. I end up getting walked all over.
Friends contact me when they need me. I drop everything to help.
Then when I need them, they're mysteriously unresponsive.
I give too much.
But sometimes when I give, that's the only time I experience physical presence.
To me, it's worth a shot to not be lonely for an hour or two. Even if I will spend the whole next day crying.
So being alone at home most of the time has been nice, because I got to do things I've wanted to do. Lots of crafting, catching up on TV shows, reading.
But it's also been terrible. I feel useless. I spend far too much time in my own head.
It has reached the point where even the TV shows I watch for fun are making me incredibly sad and compounding the loneliness.
It's painful to notice that happening.
It's painful to watch the things that gave you joy slowly become emotionally torturous.
It's painful to drown.
Mood stabilization feels like a myth to me, as it always has. But the past week has been more intense.
Although it has been primarily negative emotions, there have been some positive ones. I've tried to hold onto those. Though hope is really hard for me. Because, life.
I've been extremely lonely lately. Extremely.
It seems for me, the only way to truly eradicate it is through meaningful physical presence. Not just presence, meaningful presence. That's fucking hard. Oftentimes, the presence of a person who is meaningful to me overall does not mean that particular presence is meaningful. So I'm lonely despite presence.
But still, physical presence is better than absence.
Unfortunately, there is not much presence here.
What about virtual presence? The problem with that is its lack of stability.
The thing with physical presence is that I know they're here. Because I can see them. I don't have to wonder if they are going to respond to my text within an hour. I don't have to wonder if they'll reply to my email today, or if they'll get around to it tomorrow.
The closest thing I can get to physical presence via non-physical means is through phone calls. For two reasons: 1) because I have the stability of knowing they are on the other end and 2) I can hear their voice. That's very important for me, as far as trust is concerned. And so I can gauge how disruptive I'm being through tone and syntax. It helps alleviate the guilt of taking up someone's time or upsetting them because they don't have the answers (which I rarely expect, by the way).
Fewer people use their phone for vocal communication, now. And fewer people would I trust enough to let them hear me blubber and sob on the other end.
I've been discovering, lately, that what I really want is a companion. Someone who treats me like I treat them. Someone who values our friendship and would drop everything if I needed them. I do that for my friends. But I don't often see it reciprocated. I have few close friends because I expect myself to live up to these expectations, as well.
Human beings are far from perfect. I understand that, and I accept imperfections, even if it hurts.
But I think I do it too much. I end up getting walked all over.
Friends contact me when they need me. I drop everything to help.
Then when I need them, they're mysteriously unresponsive.
I give too much.
But sometimes when I give, that's the only time I experience physical presence.
To me, it's worth a shot to not be lonely for an hour or two. Even if I will spend the whole next day crying.
So being alone at home most of the time has been nice, because I got to do things I've wanted to do. Lots of crafting, catching up on TV shows, reading.
But it's also been terrible. I feel useless. I spend far too much time in my own head.
It has reached the point where even the TV shows I watch for fun are making me incredibly sad and compounding the loneliness.
It's painful to notice that happening.
It's painful to watch the things that gave you joy slowly become emotionally torturous.
It's painful to drown.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
An Explication
I've gone over it, over and over.
I have pulled the events apart and examined the patterns.
I have unfolded every occurrence, every step, every detail.
These looping themes, these reoccurring episodes--
They appear to be inescapable.
In the end, the only things left are the questions.
Maybe they're just part of the pattern.
I have pulled the events apart and examined the patterns.
I have unfolded every occurrence, every step, every detail.
These looping themes, these reoccurring episodes--
They appear to be inescapable.
In the end, the only things left are the questions.
Maybe they're just part of the pattern.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Contemplated, Premeditated, Significant
My emotions are so tumultuous and unpredictable that I like other things to be predictable.
I like planning, even though I know they're likely to be revised or cancelled.
I want everything to be carefully contemplated and placed just so.
I want nothing I carry to be meaningless. Everything needs to have a meaning, even if just to me.
I want everything in my bag to be premeditated. I want it to be significant.
The moment it's an accident is the moment I lose myself.
I do that enough, as it is.
I like planning, even though I know they're likely to be revised or cancelled.
I want everything to be carefully contemplated and placed just so.
I want nothing I carry to be meaningless. Everything needs to have a meaning, even if just to me.
I want everything in my bag to be premeditated. I want it to be significant.
The moment it's an accident is the moment I lose myself.
I do that enough, as it is.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Death
A lot of people are afraid to die. It's only natural.
Most people ask: "Will it hurt? What happens after you die?"
I ask: "Will I be alone when I die?"
Most people ask: "Will it hurt? What happens after you die?"
I ask: "Will I be alone when I die?"
Monday, April 9, 2012
Home for Easter Weekend
This holiday weekend was great. Spent lots of time with my family.
Thursday: I got off work at 7pm, parents ready and rearing to go. Ate at Dirty Frank's, then trekked to Akron. After chatting and helping Mommom grade papers the whole way home, I was pooped. I was in bed by midnight (what an old lady I am!). I heard my sister get home around 1. How did I know it was my sister? The footsteps went no further than the kitchen, and I heard the refrigerator door open. Oh, my sister. So I got up to say hi, then went back to bed.
Friday: Shopping, Day 1! I sent a fax, then did some adult banking. I felt so happy. Then Mom and Ishy and I went to Chipotle, the library, bought my cousin a gift card for her birthday, then to Village Discount. Thrifting with my family is HILARIOUS. My sister got stuck in yet another piece of clothing. I bought some things I needed, like work clothes, and yes, another pair of shoes. We made dinner that night: mashed potatoes! I need to make them more often. Ishy and I sneaked out before dinner to buy Mom a bouquet of tulips. Since all her spring flowers came up so early, so thought it would be nice to have a blooming flower for Easter. She loved them.
Saturday: Shopping, Day 2! Ishy and Mom and I went to Mr. Bulky's (bulk candy and spice store!) and the mall. I go to the candy/spice store every time I'm home! This time, I bought lots of spices, whole wheat flour, and a bit of candy. At the mall, I hit the jackpot. Huge jewelry clearance at JCPenny's, so I bought myself the small string of chocolate pearls I'd been watching for the past year. $30, including a 2-year service plan! Woohoo! I also got--SURPRISE!--a pair of shoes. Bright red, baby! And some adult work clothes. We had coffee, then went to Youngstown for a family gathering. 5 birthdays in March, 2 of which are on March 24! What a crazy family. So cake and ice cream and junk food. It was splendid!
Sunday: I didn't go to church (surprise, surprise!). I cuddled with the doggie, who is becoming more docile with age. Then my family went to a Chinese buffet for lunch--because that's how we celebrate Easter, apparently. It was de-lish! Then home for Easter baskets and an Easter egg hunt my sister and I had convinced my mom to do. We are all such children. Then back to Columbus. AND NO FIGHTS WITH MOM! Then watched Princess Mononoke with Tim and ate snickerdoodles. What a great weekend!
Today, I work at 12:45, so I made a doc appt nice and early so I'd be up. I've been SUPER productive today! Ate breakfast, made tea (generic English Breakfast tea with some spearmint leaves and a touch of sugar), made some curried lentils and rice (with my new spices WOO the simple things!), cut up some fruit for a snack, and packed my bag for work. The only thing left is to finish eating and put away laundry. WOO TODAY! ^_^
Things seem to be going well for me. I hope they are going equally well for all of you--if not better! <3
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Life After College
It's official! I am a college graduate. Hopefully my B.A. in Arabic & Psychology will come in handy someday.
Until then, it's just a fancy piece of paper....that I have yet to pick up. (I skipped the graduation ceremony so I could visit my sister in Pittsburgh)
I'm excited to have actually made it through university. I almost didn't make it. Truly.
Mental illness almost forced me to drop out.
BUT! I have actually graduated from DBT! I've completed therapy. And honestly, it's a therapy that I think everyone should go through. There are so many fantastic coping mechanism and skills, even for people who don't have issues with emotion regulation and the like. (www.dbtselfhelp.com is a nice little website that lists some of these skills). I'm so proud of completing it. I feel so much more confident in handling my emotions and regulating my responses to them. So, so thankful for the program. Marsha Linehan saved my life.
Anyway, today was my first day at a new job. I am now working at a tea salon. It's pretty much my dream part time job, what, with my love for tea and culture. It's also my first take at serving, and oh dear, is it challenging. But I am enjoying it nonetheless.
The weirdest part of being out of school [for now]? My nightmares have changed to encompass an entirely different genre. Instead of dreaming that I sleep through exams, I'm dreaming about sins. I had a weird dream where I was given a glowing, sparkling pill and got super high. When I woke up, my first action was to laugh aloud at the state of my nightmares. They have moved from school to seven deadly sins! How hilarious!
It's really cool to finally get to read books and have free time. I watched 4 movies in 2 weeks! WOO!
Nevertheless, free time is scarce this week and next, as I have 2 40-hour weeks of training--plus work at the office, which is supposed to be 30 hours a week. But things will calm down after that. It's only disappointing because this week is my spring break week, and I won't have much time to see Tim before school starts back up again. But c'est la vie! I will live.
I'm starting to get excited about the future. But most of all, I'm relieved that I will be able to make rent! I could've done it with just the office job, but the second job is allowing me to save money--and to also have money to spend time with friends, since I finally have the time to do so.
In closing, I love you. All of you.
Always remember that somebody does.
Until then, it's just a fancy piece of paper....that I have yet to pick up. (I skipped the graduation ceremony so I could visit my sister in Pittsburgh)
I'm excited to have actually made it through university. I almost didn't make it. Truly.
Mental illness almost forced me to drop out.
BUT! I have actually graduated from DBT! I've completed therapy. And honestly, it's a therapy that I think everyone should go through. There are so many fantastic coping mechanism and skills, even for people who don't have issues with emotion regulation and the like. (www.dbtselfhelp.com is a nice little website that lists some of these skills). I'm so proud of completing it. I feel so much more confident in handling my emotions and regulating my responses to them. So, so thankful for the program. Marsha Linehan saved my life.
Anyway, today was my first day at a new job. I am now working at a tea salon. It's pretty much my dream part time job, what, with my love for tea and culture. It's also my first take at serving, and oh dear, is it challenging. But I am enjoying it nonetheless.
The weirdest part of being out of school [for now]? My nightmares have changed to encompass an entirely different genre. Instead of dreaming that I sleep through exams, I'm dreaming about sins. I had a weird dream where I was given a glowing, sparkling pill and got super high. When I woke up, my first action was to laugh aloud at the state of my nightmares. They have moved from school to seven deadly sins! How hilarious!
It's really cool to finally get to read books and have free time. I watched 4 movies in 2 weeks! WOO!
Nevertheless, free time is scarce this week and next, as I have 2 40-hour weeks of training--plus work at the office, which is supposed to be 30 hours a week. But things will calm down after that. It's only disappointing because this week is my spring break week, and I won't have much time to see Tim before school starts back up again. But c'est la vie! I will live.
I'm starting to get excited about the future. But most of all, I'm relieved that I will be able to make rent! I could've done it with just the office job, but the second job is allowing me to save money--and to also have money to spend time with friends, since I finally have the time to do so.
In closing, I love you. All of you.
Always remember that somebody does.
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