The Reader

Go see The Reader.
Right now!
:D

Money Matters

Have you ever noticed that when it comes to money, spending or investing, a person is either quick and impulsive to act or crazily methodical and calculated?

With the first, the decisions are rash, but oftentimes the gut instinct proves best.
With the second, so much time and effort is spent that the best deal is had, but all that time is lost.
Very rarely is there a middle ground.

I'm definitely the second type of person.
I've spent hours today researching different banks' CDs and savings accounts.
I've just now realized that working from the time I turned 16 was a fantastic idea and that I should be able to make it through at least a couple years of college without loans, or at least large ones.

Yay.

MOVIES I WANT TO SEE
(currently in theatres or coming soon)

The Class (French film)
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Defiance
Frost/Nixon
I've Loved You So Long (French film)
Rachel Getting Married
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire
Wendy and Lucy
The Wrestler

I had to put SOMETHING in here that wasn't all about finances!!!

What a Holiday

Well, it's been interesting.

Let's see, what have I done in the past few days...

• Watched zero movies
• Read 200 pages in Book 4
• Closed the book on a fair number of friendships
• Had a very bad experience with a strong, uncontrolled substance, which I have subsequently sworn off for good
  
• Procrastinated doing my RA application and Secret Santa gift
  
• Gotten tipsy with a bunch of Sicilians and their homemade booze
• Spent 2 delightful mornings with my grandparents
• Was given a ton of Nightmare Before Christmas stuff for Christmas
• Added Scrubs Season 7, 27 Dresses, Sleepy Hollow, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, The Sea Inside, The Dark Knight, and Wall-E to my DVD collection, with soon to join Candy
  
• Decided to start keeping a journal again
• ...Decided I need to buy a journal in which to write my journal...
  
• Ordered a fountain pen
• Finally escaped from those damn emotions, with the help of a dear old friend
  
• Is going to publish the papers in question
  
• Got my ring finger sized
• Played hours of board games with family--Grandma: "The next president went to Hawaii and stayed in a 9 million dollar condom. I mean condo! Oh, dear!"
• Spent two nights sharing a bed with my sister and subsequently bonding... Wow....
• Was nearly suffocated by Amanda when she rolled over onto my face in the middle of the night
• Didn't sleep well and haven't been since I got "home"
  
• Has a fucked up arm
• ...but has gotten some use back in it
• Went shopping on Black Friday # 2 with Al & Emily
• Took pictures of "items for the future" at Target
• Tried on some slutty lingerie with hobag Emily herself ;)
• Bought my Macroeconomics textbook
• Free chocolate covered pretzels!!!!!!!!
• Spent some priceless time with my grandfather
• ...Hoping he makes it to New Year's.

I spend far too much time contemplating things.
I work too hard trying to be sure things will work out right or that I get the best deal.
I spent 2 hours comparing deals for my econ textbook, the only one I need to buy this quarter that I have an option of where to buy it.
I am too frugal, and constantly worry about wasting my money.
I constantly think that I should open a high-yield account in which to store my money until I need it.
I constantly think about the future, yet the past haunts me.

I am a very emotional person. And I hate it.
I have found that by crying during movies, even if they are not remotely sad, I can get the emotions out in a reasonable, non-disruptive way.
If that doesn't work, or there are too many emotions to handle at once, I cling to people, friends.
When this last happened, I attempted to catch back up with some old, old old friends, whom I have not spent time with in three years.
Then I came to my senses and remembered why I dismissed them in the first place
I remembered that I haven't missed them.

I know how to spend time alone with myself. And it is wonderful.
I love reading, not that I have time.
I wish I crocheted and cross-stitched more.
I wish I had time to sew.
I wish I had a kitty!!!!!
I wish I were more motivated, right now.
...Actually, writing all this makes me want to go back to school. I love it and everyone there!
I can't wait to spend the rest of this break with Ross, Al, Emily, Christen, Trudge, and hopefully Jen! ROCKBAND UNTIL 6AM, FUCKERS!!!!

I'm quite glad that my mom and I haven't gotten into anything big since I've been home.
I'm impressed, actually.
I make it a point to go to the second of the two hate-preaching, elite church services every Sunday, but only at the promise that I will get free food afterwards.
It works quite well, may I say!

Man, I really need to get laid.

I am looking forward to exchanging a travel iron for a steamer at Sears, eating Chipotle, and seeing Doubt with Ross tomorrow. Then possibly an all-night Rock Band Extravaganza with the ex-Regal crew!!!!
Then Monday, WE'RE GOING TO THE ZOO!!!!!!!! Then to the Cedar Lee to see The Reader.... Then maybe sneaking in to see Benjamin Button later.... teheheheheheheheheheheheeee!

Jesus. I need to get to sleep.

I'm going out sleepwalking
where mute memories start talking...

A Blanket Statement

I am not perfect.
Nor have I ever claimed to be.

Bored on the Eve of the Eve of Christmas

I'm bored.
Is anyone out there?
Anyone?
Anyone doing anything today/tonight [with the basics]?
Anyone want to do anything today/tonight?

I need to make baklava.
Lots and LOTS of baklava!

I need to figure out how to get something published.
I never intended for anyone but myself to read it, but I think it's best if everyone does!
Then it can haunt me no more.

My dog hacked into my dad's hands last night.
I've never seen that much blood coming from such a small part of the body without tearing something off....[TEETH!!!]

I realized that it all started with me sitting in a different location in the morning.
I never intended to not be friends with everyone, just not close friends.

I got a new house phone number yesterday. Hard core.

Degenerative diseases suck, but if you're crazy enough, they're damn funny.

I need to get a fountain pen and a journal.
Let's get this bitch going!

I want to go to the zoo.

I have a close friend I need to talk to
who is doing an immense favor for me,
a close friend with whom I want to go to the zoo,
a friend a close friend and I want to have breakfast with soon,
and a group of friends I want to spend time with.

Wishful thinking, I'm sure.


And if you haven't noticed, when the world is quiet here, then there are other things beyond words to be read.

I'm So Close to Freedom I Can Taste It!!!

Wow! It has been years!!!
But it is finally coming to an end.
I have finally taken the biggest step to ridding myself of that damn ghost of emotions that has been haunting me for over 5 years!
There is only one step left, and the outcome of that step is so insignificant that it is practically complete as soon as I put it into motion!
What sweet relief!
What sweet unromantic affection!

The World is Quiet Here.
And will be forever more.

From Columbus to Hudson

Really, it doesn't make much sense.

Since getting back I haven't slept well, I haven't been sociable, I haven't been happy.
I've noticed that I have not felt even the most minuscule bit of depression over the past few months until I came back "home".

The funny thing is, I don't consider this place home. This dumb, stupid, bubble city. There is nothing here... unless you believe that one Chipotle gives a city purpose.

I didn't know why I was so depressed until the high school's "Alumni Day" when all last year's seniors go visit. I realized that I was looking forward to seeing my old teachers, specifically JRo & McGowan, but, more than anything, I didn't want to see the people, that group, that used to be my friends.

I do admit, the way I think is very unorthodox. It completely goes against the whole "Best Friends Forever! ^_^" mindset that seems to be unfortunately perpetuated throughout childhood. Maybe it's wishful thinking. Perhaps the parents always wanted to have a basic group of friends, a clan, that would grow with them, so they lay that burden upon their children.

Have you ever noticed that oftentimes the worst thing for a child is their parent?

Well, the way I think is that friends are good. Not a crucial part of survival or a necessary force, but good. Or at least they should be. My particular philosophy is that, one does not need a group of friends, because people tend to be callous and corrupt, instinctively. They tend to adhere to a single person for a certain reason, perhaps because they are rich, perhaps because they find that you are the person they wish to cling to, perhaps because they want to be popular and make everyone happy. I have never thought that was good. I have always thought that having a single person in whom you can place all of your trust is better than being part of a large group in which you can tell certain things to certain people, and to whom you are the same way. It is not so much ungratifying as it is hurtful.

No matter how hard a member of the group tries, they will never to be able to please everyone. There are going to be times when a member of the group desperately needs another member but that needed member is with another member who needs them.

There are other things, like talking amongst the group about other members of the group who are not present. Who to invite to parties. Who to call when you only have so many places for people.

That's what I couldn't stand. So I left the group.

I started focusing my friendship efforts on one or two people at a time.
And of course, people started talking.

But I have been group-less for two full years, and happier.

My issue was, why should I force myself to go to certain get-togethers and be with certain people just so I could be with the people I REALLY wanted to be with?

Sometimes it's not shallow to give up a friendship because it's hard work.
Sometimes maintaining a certain friendship is too taxing and too damn hurtful for it to be worthwhile.
Sometimes the friendships are nothing but drama. There is nothing else but drama, and when that's the case, what kind of friendship is that?


I know it's difficult to understand.
I know it's not the norm.
But it's me.
And it's how I've chosen to live.

Believe it or not, no matter how I make it out to be, it's not easy.

It was not easy to answer the phone and tell my friend that I wouldn't be coming to a party.
It was not easy to have a close friend retained from the group tell me that hurtful things were being said about me.
It was not easy to notice how I would slowly not get invites to parties I loved, particularly the Secret Santa that I thought I should have gotten invited to because I had not yet left the group.
It is not easy to talk to my close friend and realize that I miss the comraderie.
It is not easy to want to spend time with a specific friend to find that that person is busy with the rest of the basic group.
It is still not easy.

I do not regret doing it, not one bit, but I still miss the fun times it was a struggle for me to give up.


When I made the decision, I said to myself, I will take 3 friends with me to my next stage in life.
All the other high school friends will be just that: high school friends.
And so I have.

It's not easy, but it was, and is, for the best.
I still have many, many acquaintances and general friends, but I do not have the group of close friends I used to.
I enjoy spending time with those whom I left behind, my Hudson friends, and don't think any less of them. They are just not my close friends, not the ones to whom I go when having trouble.

I always found it interesting that I have taken more close friends from working at the theatre than I did from high school.

But, to end this lengthy post, that is why I have found myself depressed in this stupid city, this "home" that is not my true home.

It is home for a few weeks because I believe that home is where your bed is.
But if you disagree, I would like you to know that this is sure as hell not where my heart lies.


Feel free to leave comments.
I will not be hurt. I'm through with that.
Although I may answer questions.

Please, don't ask me if you are one of those friends.
If you have to ask, answer this question:
Have I called you from Columbus?