It has been days. Fucking DAYS. 
Nothing is working. I'm getting desperate.

Productivity! FINALLY.

Thanks to a wonderful pot of Davidson's organic Mandarin Chai with Anise, I have been kicking serious ass today.

My day began when Deo heard rain and kept me warm in my bed around 7am. I am super warm-natured, so it was too warm. Which was a perfect excuse to get my lazy self out of bed!

So. Today's awesome accomplishments include:

• Move the rest of my boxes out of the garage
• Laundry -- wash, fold, AND put away!
• 1 hour of transcription audio
• Lunch
• Reviewed a few submission reviews on Livemocha.com
• Watched the new episode of the Guild
• Found and decided to buy this AMAZING steampunk knitting book. I AM THE COOLEST OLD LADY EVER.
• Requested new information from multiple grad schools
• Asked some questions about grad apps
• Eat chocolate
• Figure out my Buffy/Angel watching plan
• Watch lots of Buffy
• Almost done narrowing down my grad school list
• My friend got her photos featured here

So, yes. Here's to the power of caffeine!

And here's hoping I can finish my grad stuff and go through boxes. While watching even MORE Buffy. WOOOO!

“But the young educated adults of the 90s -- who were, of course, the children of the same impassioned infidelities and divorces Mr. Updike wrote about so beautifully -- got to watch all this brave new individualism and self-expression and sexual freedom deteriorate into the joyless and anomic self-indulgence of the Me Generation. Today's sub-40s have different horrors, prominent among which are anomie and solipsism and a peculiarly American loneliness: the prospect of dying without once having loved something more than yourself.” - David Foster Wallace 

Drowning in Emotion

Over the past few days, my emotions have been going haywire.
Mood stabilization feels like a myth to me, as it always has. But the past week has been more intense.

Although it has been primarily negative emotions, there have been some positive ones. I've tried to hold onto those. Though hope is really hard for me. Because, life.


I've been extremely lonely lately. Extremely.

It seems for me, the only way to truly eradicate it is through meaningful physical presence. Not just presence, meaningful presence. That's fucking hard. Oftentimes, the presence of a person who is meaningful to me overall does not mean that particular presence is meaningful. So I'm lonely despite presence.

But still, physical presence is better than absence.
Unfortunately, there is not much presence here.

What about virtual presence? The problem with that is its lack of stability.

The thing with physical presence is that I know they're here. Because I can see them. I don't have to wonder if they are going to respond to my text within an hour. I don't have to wonder if they'll reply to my email today, or if they'll get around to it tomorrow.

The closest thing I can get to physical presence via non-physical means is through phone calls. For two reasons: 1) because I have the stability of knowing they are on the other end and 2) I can hear their voice. That's very important for me, as far as trust is concerned. And so I can gauge how disruptive I'm being through tone and syntax. It helps alleviate the guilt of taking up someone's time or upsetting them because they don't have the answers (which I rarely expect, by the way).

Fewer people use their phone for vocal communication, now. And fewer people would I trust enough to let them hear me blubber and sob on the other end.


I've been discovering, lately, that what I really want is a companion. Someone who treats me like I treat them. Someone who values our friendship and would drop everything if I needed them. I do that for my friends. But I don't often see it reciprocated. I have few close friends because I expect myself to live up to these expectations, as well.

Human beings are far from perfect. I understand that, and I accept imperfections, even if it hurts.

But I think I do it too much. I end up getting walked all over.
Friends contact me when they need me. I drop everything to help.
Then when I need them, they're mysteriously unresponsive.

I give too much.
But sometimes when I give, that's the only time I experience physical presence.
To me, it's worth a shot to not be lonely for an hour or two. Even if I will spend the whole next day crying.


So being alone at home most of the time has been nice, because I got to do things I've wanted to do. Lots of crafting, catching up on TV shows, reading.
But it's also been terrible. I feel useless. I spend far too much time in my own head.
It has reached the point where even the TV shows I watch for fun are making me incredibly sad and compounding the loneliness.

It's painful to notice that happening.
It's painful to watch the things that gave you joy slowly become emotionally torturous.
It's painful to drown.