Just saw on facebook that a "friend" of mine is getting married. He has been dating his girlfriend since January. OMG 5 MONTHS WE ARE SO IN LOVE OBVIOUSLY GETTING MARRIED AND MOVING TO CHINA IN A MONTH ARE A GREAT IDEA!
He's pulled stupid shit like this before. He has abused her in the past. I don't fucking understand people. I called him out on his fb. I don't give a damn anymore. I'm done sitting around. Personally, I think he's rude and inappropriate and a douchebag. But apparently he's moving back to China in June so I will never have to worry about it again!
TL;DR: MARRIAGE IS STUPID DON'T BOTHER. UNLESS YOU, FOR SOME ANTIQUATED REASON, BELIEVE THAT SEX IS BAD IN WHICH CASE YES LET'S BASE THE REASON FOR GETTING MARRIED OFF THE DESIRE TO BONE.
Anyway, I haven't done any homework and feel entirely useless. Cue depression.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Many, Many Things
I've been feeling alright for the past couple weeks. Those 2 huge meltdowns seemed to be the end of it [for now].
These past weeks have been super stressful. Unfortunately I had 2 midterms during the week between the 2 meltdowns. So I was on therapist-mandated bedrest for the week before my exams and ended up super behind in everything. Aaaand my exam grades definitely show it. They threw me into the beginning of another downward spiral, as I was still unstable and recovering from the previous one. After much anxiety and convincing from Tim, I talked to two of my professors, which helped restore a little bit of confidence in myself. Knowing that I am not for sure fucked and probably not going to lose my scholarship this quarter is a really nice thing. So for now, increased medication, more frequent therapist visits, and doing my best to cope until a DBT individual/group slot opens up.
It's pretty fucking frustrating. These last 2 meltdowns were the most severe I've ever had. I hadn't felt anywhere close to that way since middle school. It was extremely scary. I don't really know what mindset I need to take in order to continue. They changed everything. How I'm thinking about this, how I think I should go about coping, everything. And I'm now getting desperate. I hope I have a good amount of time to recover before the next one, because I honestly don't know what things will change this next time.
Anyway, today my anxiety has been through the roof. Three anxiety attacks within the course of an hour. Completely biological, this time. Tremors, trouble breathing. Usually it's primarily the psychological symptoms. I'm not used to having these symptoms to this extent; I don't know how to cope. And I had just increased my meds. What the fuck? Maybe I need to get my hands on something new. I'll talk to my shrink about it.
AND SO MUCH HOMEWORK THIS WEEKEND FUCKING SHIT ON A CUNT.
Arabic professor assigned an unprecedented amount of homework and, seeing as it usually takes me 15+ hours to complete it, I am not happy.
Two 10-page papers due next week. I'm doing very well on both of them, but I still need to do lots of editing.
All on top of my regular reading and reviewing and other assignments. Seriously?
But no worries! I have plans to go out Thursday, in celebration of essentially completing the quarter that almost destroyed me. I almost had to drop out due to mental illness; somehow I made it. Who cares that I have to be at work at 8am on Friday, I am going to the gay bar with a bunch of friends, or maybe very few friends--I DON'T CARE! So if anyone wants to join me for $3 long islands and $4 tokyo teas on Thursday, you know where to find me. :)
And something amazing happened last week. He's back. I don't get it. I still don't know what happened. But he's back.
It made me realize that I should probably pay more attention to my dissociation tendencies. HAHA what an impossible task!
I am sooo excited for finals week. I know that doesn't make sense, but it's because I am going to three shows: She Wants Revenge, Bright Eyes, and Neon Indian. Then Cotton Jones the Sunday after that!!!! Plus, a couple wonderful friends will be visiting for the Bright Eyes show. There will be cooking, exploring, and drunk Scrabble galore! Ok, so most of our plans involve eating. OH WELL. WE FUCKING DESERVE IT. And then my Ishy will be visiting me the week after that! Our plans also mostly involve eating. YESSSSSSSSSS.
Obsessed with this album at the moment. Once you get past the odd voice, it is so endearing and raw: http://grooveshark.com/album/Huggable+Dust/1100773?src=5
These past weeks have been super stressful. Unfortunately I had 2 midterms during the week between the 2 meltdowns. So I was on therapist-mandated bedrest for the week before my exams and ended up super behind in everything. Aaaand my exam grades definitely show it. They threw me into the beginning of another downward spiral, as I was still unstable and recovering from the previous one. After much anxiety and convincing from Tim, I talked to two of my professors, which helped restore a little bit of confidence in myself. Knowing that I am not for sure fucked and probably not going to lose my scholarship this quarter is a really nice thing. So for now, increased medication, more frequent therapist visits, and doing my best to cope until a DBT individual/group slot opens up.
It's pretty fucking frustrating. These last 2 meltdowns were the most severe I've ever had. I hadn't felt anywhere close to that way since middle school. It was extremely scary. I don't really know what mindset I need to take in order to continue. They changed everything. How I'm thinking about this, how I think I should go about coping, everything. And I'm now getting desperate. I hope I have a good amount of time to recover before the next one, because I honestly don't know what things will change this next time.
Anyway, today my anxiety has been through the roof. Three anxiety attacks within the course of an hour. Completely biological, this time. Tremors, trouble breathing. Usually it's primarily the psychological symptoms. I'm not used to having these symptoms to this extent; I don't know how to cope. And I had just increased my meds. What the fuck? Maybe I need to get my hands on something new. I'll talk to my shrink about it.
AND SO MUCH HOMEWORK THIS WEEKEND FUCKING SHIT ON A CUNT.
Arabic professor assigned an unprecedented amount of homework and, seeing as it usually takes me 15+ hours to complete it, I am not happy.
Two 10-page papers due next week. I'm doing very well on both of them, but I still need to do lots of editing.
All on top of my regular reading and reviewing and other assignments. Seriously?
But no worries! I have plans to go out Thursday, in celebration of essentially completing the quarter that almost destroyed me. I almost had to drop out due to mental illness; somehow I made it. Who cares that I have to be at work at 8am on Friday, I am going to the gay bar with a bunch of friends, or maybe very few friends--I DON'T CARE! So if anyone wants to join me for $3 long islands and $4 tokyo teas on Thursday, you know where to find me. :)
And something amazing happened last week. He's back. I don't get it. I still don't know what happened. But he's back.
It made me realize that I should probably pay more attention to my dissociation tendencies. HAHA what an impossible task!
I am sooo excited for finals week. I know that doesn't make sense, but it's because I am going to three shows: She Wants Revenge, Bright Eyes, and Neon Indian. Then Cotton Jones the Sunday after that!!!! Plus, a couple wonderful friends will be visiting for the Bright Eyes show. There will be cooking, exploring, and drunk Scrabble galore! Ok, so most of our plans involve eating. OH WELL. WE FUCKING DESERVE IT. And then my Ishy will be visiting me the week after that! Our plans also mostly involve eating. YESSSSSSSSSS.
Obsessed with this album at the moment. Once you get past the odd voice, it is so endearing and raw: http://grooveshark.com/album/Huggable+Dust/1100773?src=5
Monday, May 9, 2011
Feel Better, I Beg of You
Things haven't been going well at all.
The mental illness, combined with college, is really getting to me, destroying me.
I should have dropped out last year, like I suggested.
I've had two complete breakdowns in two weeks.
My therapist is worried about me.
My shrink won't refill my prescriptions on time.
The DBT lab has a 30-person wait list. Every other place is an hour away by bus.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.
All I want is to feel better.
All I want is to stop feeling like this monster whose main guilt is putting people through this.
I am ashamed and embarrassed of this stupid biological/genetic/environmental/whatever issue that I have.
I hadn't used these coping mechanisms in almost 10 years.
I haven't been this bad at any point in my entire memory.
A relapse past the beginning.
I don't know what else to do.
I am getting desperate.
This is getting dangerous.
The mental illness, combined with college, is really getting to me, destroying me.
I should have dropped out last year, like I suggested.
I've had two complete breakdowns in two weeks.
My therapist is worried about me.
My shrink won't refill my prescriptions on time.
The DBT lab has a 30-person wait list. Every other place is an hour away by bus.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.
All I want is to feel better.
All I want is to stop feeling like this monster whose main guilt is putting people through this.
I am ashamed and embarrassed of this stupid biological/genetic/environmental/whatever issue that I have.
I hadn't used these coping mechanisms in almost 10 years.
I haven't been this bad at any point in my entire memory.
A relapse past the beginning.
I don't know what else to do.
I am getting desperate.
This is getting dangerous.
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