Instability

The thing I hate most about mental and emotional instability is that, even though I'm always honest, people don't believe me when I say I don't know/remember what they're talking about, but when I really, truly do remember something significant, they call me a liar.

Fact: I am manipulative

The problem is, I don't mean to be.

I know how to be very manipulative and have been in the past, occasionally revisiting it, but it has been brought to my attention that I still manipulate people--and I'm not meaning to.

While here in Beirut, after toning down my behavior and personality much more than I intended, it has been pointed out that I am being manipulative. The worst part is, I honestly don't know what I did, what I'm doing. So all I can do now is be careful and watch what I'm saying and the actions I'm perfoming. I'm going to do my best, but that means nothing coming from me because I haven't been able to figure it out for 7 years. That doesn't mean I'll sure as hell try.

And now I wonder: is that exactly what I did that caused me to lose my best friend of 14 years?

I'm sorry.

I never would've thought it would come to this.

بيروت

I love Beirut more with each passing day.

I've fallen in love with this city and country.

I don't want to return home.

I don't ever want to leave.

Greetings from Beirut!

It's Monday, the day of further information and placements.

I have been in Beirut for 48 hours, and I love it. It doesn't quite feel like home yet, nor am I completely comfortable going out and about, but a feigned sense of confidence goes a long way, although I must admit that the constant honking of the taxis trying to get us to take rides in them is very annoying. But I can already tell that it will feel like home very quickly.

When I first got here, the drive through the city from the airport was phenomenal. It was so cool to see everything, all the marketing they have. Everything is in Arabic and French and English. So what I don't know in Arabic, which is a lot, I can devise from the other two languages.

Upon arrival, I was taken from the airport to the apartment building by a driver. We were originally going to be staying in the Lebanese American University dorms, but there are twice as many students this year as last year (110 as compared to about 60) and school at the university has not concluded for the year (final exams are this week), so we are in a building with flats about a 5 minute walk from LAU. Some students are on campus and the overflows are in two different apartment complexes near the university campus. My building is right next to the Commodore Hotel (where the reporters were housed during the war), so if I ever get lost, I can find my way home easily!

I got my room assignment, and went up to my room at about 11:30pm. I found out that Kirsten and I were not living together, and my dispair was inconceivable. I met one of the roommates, who is very nice, then found out what room Kir was living in. Luckily, she was in the same building AND my next door neighbor, so I wrote a post-it note and put it in her room telling her that I'm next door and to come wake me up when she arrives at 4am, which she did, what a lovely girl! The next morning, I asked the landlord, who is the most fantastic older man EVER!, if I could switch rooms and he told me to do it quietly, hahaha. So now I'm living with Kirsten!!!!

That first night, though. I was really despondent. I unpacked and got to bed, and the other two girls in the room had gone out to the club district, and I just laid there and cried. I was so weary and sad. I didn't feel overwhelmed, and didn't really feel like I was so far from home, but I was really, very sad to have left Christian. It was a lot harder than I'd thought it would be to leave him. I wasn't homesick at all, nor was I missing my family far too much, but I was so emotional and wished I could be back with Christian. But I knew that, no matter where I was, I would be missing him the same and in the same emotional state, so I didn't think on it too much nor let it ruin my first night in Lebanon, though it was a lonely one.

The next morning, though, Sunday morning, before I moved into Kir's room, I woke up and my roommates left me alone in the room, and I was extremely lonely, wondering what I'd be doing all day. Kirsten had left, poor dear had her suitcase lost at JFK airport in New York, and so I went back home until she returned, then I moved in! But it was such a bad morning, but I was proud at how I didn't let it get me down and just decided to make do, despite my loneliness.

My roommates in Kir's room are FANTASTIC! Especially this adorable girl from England named Zena. She's only 16, but she fits in just like a college kid! Most of the students in this program are late undergrad graduate students. Kir and I feel pretty young, but Zena's even younger! She, Kirsten, and I get along wonderfully, and are already picking up each other's accents despite the short amount of time we've been living together already.

The food here is great, and the shops and nightlife are spectacular! I don't know where the post office is, nor have I seen any postcards, so I think I'm not going to send any... Sorry!!!

We didn't get internet until now because the apartment complexes are brand new, but it is a great place. I have felt so disconnected from everybody. All I want to do is connect with everyone. I sent a brief email to Mom, Dad, and Christian the night I got in with the landlord's computer (he's such a sweetie!) but other than that, I have been completely cut off. I've been keeping busy exploring with my friends, however, and keeping a journal on my comptuer, writing little notes, and uploading photos. I am not taking nearly as many photos as I'd expected. I think it's because I don't want to seem like a tourist and blend in more on the streets, but whatever. I carry my camera with me everywhere, but rarely use it.

Souvenirs are an interesting thing. I don't have much room in my luggage for any, so I don't believe I'll be bringing much back. My apologies to everyone.

Today we took our placement test to see which level of Arabic I'll be placed in, and I think it went well, and I think there is a decent chance that Kir and I will be in the same class. I also had my Lebanese dialect class assessment, and will be starting in Level 2 dialect, because Level 1 is mostly for those completely new to the language. I got into Advanced Arabic I! Wow! It's going to be tough, but oh well.

Wellll I just found out that we're NOT getting internet... UGH I have stuff to do for OSU and would like to be in connection with everybody! So frustrating!

But at least I got all my placement tests done! Classes start tomorrow, and Kirsten, my friend Ben, and I are going to the Christian district of Beirut to see the neighborhood and all the buildings half-destroyed from the war.

Okie dokie! Time to go explore more!

I hope all is as well as it is here!

En route to Beirut

So, I left yesterday for Lebanon.

I hopped a plane from Cleveland to Dulles in DC, then to London, where I am currently in the business lounge, and will be departing for Beirut after a 5 hour layover.

Happily, my father used his frequent flier miles to secure my tickets, so I get first class and business class nearly the entire way. It's wonderful! Great food and BIG sleeping space! Yess!

I must admit that leaving was much more difficult than I had ever expected.

You see, Christian came to spend a week with me. He came Monday evening on a Greyhound from Pittsburgh to Akron, where My 'lyssa and I picked him up, and stayed until seeing me off at the airport.

It was horribly difficult leaving him, which I did not expect at all. I think it has something to do with us perhaps not being able to talk during the entire month of July. But he bought me a webcam so that we can chat (and so I can talk to Alyssa :-P ).

I am extremely excited to be going to Lebanon, though!

I am so ready to start studying Arabic again, for real.

And intensive Lebanese dialect courses! Hell yes!

I am so full of emotion.

So much emotion.

Many kinds.

I'm splitting at the seams.

I truly am.

Almost Done!

Okay. So. I'm almost done with school.

Finally got Arabic over with.... didn't end well. I fear my final grade. Seriously, I'll be happy with a C... and it's my fucking major! Those tests were ridiculously unfair. >.<

I just finished up my internship and the paper I had to write to get credit for it. That's another load off.

I wanted to study for physics today.... didn't get a chance to. Wasted so much time before writing that damn paper. Physics exam 7:30am Monday. Fuckity fuck fuck. Having a final that early should NOT be allowed. D:

I also need to study for econ... totally fucked up the second midterm.

I'll be happy with a B+ in the class.

I also need to study for my Arabic literature exam.... It's entirely essays, which isn't bad.  I've never really had a problem with regurgitating information. I just need to figure it all out.

Seriously, my GPA is fucked.

Jesus, if it weren't for Christian, I would have completely broken down at the beginning of last week. Fuck, I'm so goddamn lucky.

By the way, I am in love with Tegan and Sara. <3

Done with this.

I am seriously sick of school. Really.

I need a day where I can literally lay around the entire time and not feel guilty for it.

I need a break.

I love school.

But I need to re-energize.

Unfortunately, I'm busting my ass to get everything done on time.

And now even caffeine isn't helping.

I'm getting so frustrated.

I'm so fucking done with this.