Finally back with my journal.
Hopefully I'll stop whining on here.

Americans are Consumerist Whores

I don't understand.
It was like. OH BLACK FRIDAY! LOOK AT THOSE DEALS! I'VE NEVER DONE IT--LET'S TRY IT!
So I go to Kohl's HEAVEN FORBID 2 hours after the doors open, and the single gift I've been looking to buy my sister for over a year was sold out. AND THE FUCKING CHECK OUT LINE WRAPPED AROUND THE ENTIRE GOD DAMN STORE!

Seriously?

If you think it's acceptable to stand in line for 3 hours to BUY something, you're fucking off your rocker.

If you don't have the money to buy items when they're not ridiculously marked down, you shouldn't be buying them at all.
Are the individuals of our country really so weak as to not be able to go against a social norm? To not buy Christmas gifts if they really can't afford it?
Or is this another pressure placed upon us by our country's "religious" background?

Sure, you could say, "But aren't you one of those cunts, too, since you went out shopping at 5am?"
You could say that.
But I will respond with this:
"No, because I walked in, saw the masses of idiots, and walked out. I'd never done it before and didn't think it would be such a fucking event!"

In all honesty, I'm more upset that I couldn't get this gift for my sister than anything.
I even went online last night when the sale started, but *SURPRISE!!!* they didn't have the means to hold up their website under such intense traffic *so* NATURALLY it crashed.

I just can't believe that people are so obsessed over purchasing. People fighting one another. For a mere $10, $25, $50 off? HONESTLY if you can't afford it at regular price, YOU SHOULDN'T BE BUYING IT!

There's nothing wrong with wanting a good deal, but too many people BUY THINGS just to BUY THEM. For themselves, for other people, for everyone!

With my gift for my sister, yes, I could afford it at regular price, but I don't want to pay that much for that particular item. But I'd rather buy it at a lesser sales price when I don't have to sell my soul and stay awake all night to get it.


And we wonder why Asian and Near Eastern countries hate us.

I. Simply. Need.

Shit, man.
Once again, what a great day, and what a fucking awful night.
I don't understand why this happens.

Anyway, I was talking to someone today, and I realized that one of the main reasons I feel so good when I'm talking to them or with them is because I get two of the main things I need: affection and being needed.

I've come to discover that those are really two things I yearn for.


Affection is huge, mainly because of shit with Ross and how he fucked me over, because now I have trust issues and need the constant affection (not necessarily physical--saying sweet things are just as important, if not more so) to help the high-maintenance, anxious, worried part of me. To reassure me that they do care about me and that they truly want to be in a relationship with me.

The other things is feeling needed. I need to be needed. I feel like, there is no point to waste my time with someone if they could be completely happy without me the second I'm gone. What, then, is my role in their life? And am I even an integral part of it? I don't [usually] get attached to people quickly, but when I do, I feel like they are a huge part of my life and that I need them, in some way or another. I'm not saying I wouldn't be able to survive or be happy without them, I'm just saying that I'm happier when they're in my life and if they were to suddenly leave, I would take it hard and have to rearrange myself. It would be an adjustment as to how I live my life and to whom I go with different things, not two or three days of being depressed and that's it. I need to be needed. I need to be an important, significant, wanted individual in someone's life. I need to be a part of it. I need people so much that I feel like I'm being a burden or not really wanted until the need is reciprocated in some way.

I feel like I'm not getting either of them right now, which is odd because I'm in a relationship at the moment.

I don't understand. Yes, I believe it's a good relationship, but I'm feeling like I'm not getting everything I need most of the time. Some of the things are those which I got before but have not been getting since school started, and the others are things I just now realized. I really don't know. I don't know what to do about all of this. We talk and he says he's willing to try, but I constantly feel like no progress is being made.

I simply. Need.
I am so fucking needy. And I hate that about myself.
It's absolutely retarded.

I need to talk about this stuff, but there isn't time.
He doesn't have time for me.
He doesn't know how to organize his time.
So I'm always stuck at the bottom, right along with his homework.
Euchre is apparently top priority.

I need someone to be there when I need to talk.
I'm tired of never having anyone.
I swear I'm always searching for someone to lean on.
But I don't trust easily.
And few people are truly available to take that place in my life.

Losing my best friend took that one person away from me.
Now I don't have that person to help me.
The one to whom I can tell everything.
The one who will always have time for me.
I don't have that friend who will drop everything to help me anymore.
I feel completely alone all the time.

I'm so tired of this. I hate feeling alone in everything.
I really need someone who's reliable, who can provide me with the affection I need, and actively see me as part of their life, to need me, too.

I need to be needed, I need to feel loved.
I need. I simply. Need.

Thanksgiving's Eve

I don't know.
(I seem to start a lot of my posts out with that. Perhaps because it's constantly how I start out my thoughts.)

I was really excited to be coming home for Thanksgiving break and a nice long weekend, but now that I'm here, I don't want to be.
I don't know why I feel so awful.
I don't understand.

The day was a waste. I mean, work was good, since I got like... $20 more dollars for the week. But one of my classes was cancelled, which was a smart move because no one's gonna show up anyway, and my other teacher was like "Yeah, I teach at another school that is closed on Wednesday, but I'm gonna have class anyway because I want to, even though I have nothing to say." So, being the asshole that I am, I couldn't allow myself to skip class, and went. It was pointless. Just him rambling on LIKE HE ALWAYS FUCKING DOES and costing me an hour of my time AND CHANGING THE ENTIRE FORMAT OF THE CONTENT OF A 10-PAGE PROJECT DUE MONDAY WHICH I HAD COMPLETED LAST WEEK. Fuck that! He's getting what I've already done. I'm not about to re-write it! If it wasn't for that class, Molly and I would've gone home last night (she had no classes today). I was so frustrated.

The drive north was awful. The traffic was so bad as soon as we got onto the highway that it took us an HOUR to go 10 MILES. It was awful. Eventually it calmed down and we got home in a nice 3 hours, about 45 minutes longer than it should've taken us. But oh well. We're back safely, and Molly's spending Thanksgiving with us. (My supervisor at my library job, a former professor of mine, actually asked me to stay with her and her family for Thanksgiving Break. She is seriously the cutest little Egyptian woman I've ever met!)

Once we got back, we ate dinner, then Molly, my sissy, her boyfriend, and I went to the mall! AND MOST OF THE BLACK FRIDAY SALES WERE OUT ALREADY! So I got myself a couple pairs of $2 leggings and a $3 ear cuff and a $1 mini-skirt (yes, a MINI-SKIRT! And YES, $1!!) and a pair of $4 bright purple skinny jeans! It was a good night!

Then we got home and watched the first 4 episodes of Season 1 of Big Bang Theory with my family. It was very fun.

But now... I feel sad. Really down. I don't entirely know why. I'm just... I have no idea. I can only speculate.
Perhaps it's because I know this isn't really an extended break and that I have shit I need to do and that I still have to wait two weeks for my real repose.
Perhaps it's because Christian was supposed to call tonight and he didn't. I mean, it's still early according to his clock, and perhaps he ended up getting shafted and having to work tonight, in which case he's showering and getting ready for bed, but who knows.
Perhaps because being in this room really kills me. It makes me want to reminisce, but it also kills me when I think about or actually start doing it. I realized last time that every single item which decorates my walls holds some sort of extremely painful memory, most of which involves a certain very close childhood friend of mine.
Perhaps it's because I didn't bring my journal (or my guitar), so I have no outlet while I'm here.
Perhaps it's because I'm seeing my grandparents tomorrow, and seeing my grandfather is always so wonderful, but continuously startles me with morality. And makes me wonder if he'll be here for our next holiday.
Perhaps it's because I'm simply feeling emotional.
Or perhaps I'm just tired.

I always feel like I want to regress when I'm home. I feel like I don't want to leave this room, which, though it has brought me to so many trials, it is also a symbol of stability. It's always here, even when I'm not, and nearly exactly as I left it.

I really don't know.
I never do.
I hate it.

Drowning in Sleeplessness

I don't quite know what to do anymore.
I haven't been able to sleep well for weeks, now.
I can nap, during which I sleep deeply, and I am constantly exhausted and completing my tasks with the aim of going to sleep, but once I lie down in bed, my body no longer yearns for sleep.
While I'm up, all I want to do is go to bed and sleep. But once I lie down... It's over.
The only was I've been able to sleep well has been because I was with Christian or because of NyQuil.
This is unhealthy.

I don't understand.
I set aside 7-8 hours in which to sleep nearly every night.
And I lay in bed awake during most of them.
I just don't understand.
So now I've taken to just not going to bed.
Fuck, I hate insomnia.
Especially the kind where you're still exhausted constantly.

One of my doctors recommended Tryptophan or 5-HTP or Melatonin, and unfortunately, constrained by price once again, the one which I feel less alright with taking is the one I will be purchasing, because it's the cheapest.
BUT at least it's natural. And hopefully it will help.



This weekend was wonderful.
I got to go to the fall play then spend the weekend with Christian in Berea.
I'm so in love. I hope things don't fall apart this time.
And I'm still really fucked up from Ross.
Thanks for the trust issues, asshole.
My therapist says rather than allowing the fear of this happening again and stifling the relationship I should just remind myself that I've gotten through it before, so if it happens again, I'll be okay.

I'm trying.
I'm trying really hard.
You have absolutely no idea.


The quarter's almost over.
I'm on the right track with my work.
Now, if only I could sleep.

The Family Man, Love, and a Fuzzy Head

So, it has been going pretty alright.

I got a 48/100 on my Arabic midterm, which the class knew about only two days before I had to take it, thank you professor who doesn't know how to organize a class, and with bonus it totaled a 63/100. But I do well in everything else and am writing a research paper for extra credit, so it's fine.

I've been feeling a lot better, lately. Perhaps the fish oil has started kicking in. ...Or the second job and utter lack of time. My moods have been stabilized for the most part. Even PMS wasn't as bad as it could be! I was surpised--it was like my PMS used to be!

So, due to the fact that tomorrow's the OSU vs. Michigan game and people are already getting on my nerves, I have hitched a ride home this weekend. I almost didn't go, but I don't feel like putting up with all the ruckus and know I won't get anything done if I stay. SO. I'm going back to Hudson to see the fall play, The Family Man, in which my wonderful Japanese Princess has the lead role, then going to BW for the weekend to see my Love, who should be having his head buzzed today/tomorrow and will be very fuzzy.

See! I just covered everything I promised in the title! And in under 300 pages, no less! Take that, Dan Brown!

Peace.

OH GOD!

Hahahaha sooo... My aunt found my twitter, so it is now protected. Feel free to request to follow me, though! I'll accept you if you're not a bot!

The reason the blog name changed was because the link was on my twitter, so rather than take a chance, I changed the name and URL. Hopefully she doesn't find it again.

It's been awhile. A lot has happened, so much that I honestly don't even have time to type.

The past few weeks have consisted of midterms, getting a second job, Christian, and a midnight trip to the emergency room for my roommate.

Now, time to do homework.
Hopefully I'll get the time to update soon!

I really do have the absolute best boyfriend ever. He is all I ever could've dreamed. he has his flaws, but I love them.

This is it. This is love.