So What Happened To Bulletproof Weeks in Your Arms?

This week is definitely going better than last.
Which is good, because it has turned out to be hell week for a lot of other people, so I'm glad I'm stable and able to help them.

I think really the only bad part about the week has been yesterday, finding out that I don't actually have a ride back to Columbus after going to Berea to spend the weekend with Christian.
So, I spent about 2 or 3 hours at work yesterday, panicking, writing on so many different people's facebooks, emailing people, texting people, crying and feeling so sad, because if I couldn't find a ride home, there's no way I could go at all, the one weekend we'd been planning to spend together since September, and also my birthday weekend. Yes, uberfail.
BUT, the wonderful and fantastic Chris saved my ass. He's going home tp Mentor for the weekend, and agreed to pick me up from BW and take me back with him Sunday night. I am SO RELIEVED! And SO HAPPY!

Oddly enough, despite all that stress, the resolution of the problem made me in a really good mood for Arabic! I am doing fine in class, nothing like at the beginning, though the 10 page final paper (written in Arabic) is gonna be a huuuge bitch, but I still dread going. Oh well. I just push myself, and it's never as bad as I expect. Dunno why I can't just convince myself that I work hard enough that it's not horrible. Oh well.

Anyway, it's an exciting week. I've been in a good mood since Sunday. Talking really helped clear things up, and make me feel better. Hopefully it made us both feel better. I mean... Yeah, we've had out 5-minute squabbles that end in me crying and feeling bad for being a bitch, but hey, nothing's gonna get better instantaneously. It's progress, and that's all we're aiming for at the moment. We are going to spend a lot of time together this weekend (though I suspect much of that will be exhaustedly sleeping from the late nights we'll be spending watching movies and going to costume parties). But yes. I'm hopeful. Not dejected as before. And that's a huge improvement for me.

Since I'm in such a good mood, I'm feeling motivated! I've actually gotten all my homework for this week done. I'm going to do some reading for Monday's globalization class tonight. And might actually go to Dems! Haha I've been skipping so many because of the mounds of homework I had to deal with, which was actually a result of the lack of motivation. And tonight's a costume contest. Dunno if I should really participate, since my costume is a slutty Alice in Wonderland... But we'll see. Perhaps I'll throw on some shitty sunglasses and a mismatched shoe and go as "Indie-Hipster." What I'm wearing today already works. :-P

I have an Arabic report due next Thursday, a regular assignment which is due every two weeks. Perhaps I'll feel motivated to work on it tonight? I could just start writing when I think of something. Or I could write it next week and talk about everything that happened this weekend. That would work, too. We'll see. But I know I should do it now that I'm motivated, since I probably will be pretty depressed Monday and Tuesday, due to leaving Christian. But there's a chance that he might come to OSU next weekend, so hopefully I won't be *too* down.

[I can't remember if I already wrote this, but...] I got a second job. It's at a food place on campus. And even next year, though it closes late, I will be able to catch a bus that goes close to home. And Aarthi's getting me pepper spray for my birthday, so I'll be set! (Molly apparently ordered my gift today... I'm afraid.) But yes. I'm relieved to have another job. On campus is really the way to go. I also applied for a bartending position yesterday, but that's a longshot. Only time will tell. :)

Tomorrow night, Aarthi, Al, and I are going to see a live production of Rocky Horror at our favorite gay club. And we are ALL dressing up. Yes, even Aarthi! I am pumped! After the show, Al and I are going to drive back north. He'll drop me off at BW and I'll be with my L. I am very excited.

Speaking of Christian, I had a dream about him last night. FINALLY a good dream. I've had nightmares for far too long.

Ok, that was written in one of the breaks which is necessary in order to not go insane while doing nothing but cataloging for countless hours. Back to work!

My Love goes out to you all <3

Bulletproof Weeks.
Matt Nathanson.

As Time Goes By...

So, this conversation helped me quite a bit.

It's all so hard.

Relationships are fucking ridiculous.

But for some godawful reason, they make us happy.

Or should.

I don't get it.

But we're not giving up quite yet.

I'm not giving up quite yet, either.

Either way, as of right now, things are ok.

I mean, yes, they're shaky as shit, as things always are when you're having trouble, but we're both trying.

And I'm still so discouraged that my own personal problems make any relationship I have with any human being unimaginably difficult, but I'm trying to use my desire for this as a motivation to make progress on my own issues.

Here's hoping this is the kick in the ass I need.

And that I can both develop and sustain it.

I love you all, readers.

There really aren't many of you, but know that I do appreciate you. <3

See the Luck I've Had Can Make A Good Man Turn Bad

Just as bad, if not worse, than yesterday.

I don't even know what to say anymore.

Everything points to one thing.

And I really don't want it to be the case.

I don't want everyone else to be right.

I don't want to be right.

I hope I'm wrong.

But I can't give this much more time.

It's not healthy.

It's not safe.

Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want.

The Smiths.

I have a drowning grip on your adoring face.

My mood tanked so badly today.

I haven't been this depressed in months.

I really... Can't... Remember the last time I was this depressed...

Fuck.

It's so exhausting to stay composed all day.

I couldn't actually today.

I cracked.

It was bad.

Very bad.

I don't know how to handle this anymore.

I just want to be better.

Everything I was doing before has stopped working.

I feel like such a burden to everyone.

I always do.

I am worried because I have so much downtime this weekend.

So much idle time.

I just want to go home.

And it's fascinating how it's someone I don't really know whom I met on Twitter that is helping me so much.

Piazza, New York Catcher.

Belle & Sebastian.

Finally, Progress.

Last night was horrible.
I have Mrs. Thomson and my Alyssa to thank for helping me through it.
They are truly amazing.

Anyway, after my complete fall into depression, I took a nap, which nearly always makes me feel at least a little bit better.
Then I got up, did a tiny bit of Arabic, took a nice shower, then watched Project Runway and MULAN!! with lots of amazing friends (and some new ones, too!)
Naturally, Jacob was present for our asian movie viewing :P
And also, Aarthi sang and danced like a foo'. 'Twas precious and sooo fun.

Today has been great. I got up early to go to the doctor at the Integrative Medical Center.
The reason I'm using this to treat my anxiety is because I'm not really ok with taking a sedative to treat it, since it's not fixing the long-term problem. And also has a high risk of dependency.
This type of medicine I can get behind. Making sure your body is taken care of, so you're not fighting it in addition to the mental problems.
I'm really excited. FINALLY I have hope!
We're going to be using relaxation therapy, mostly meditation and self-hypnosis to reach a state of relaxation, and dietary therapy. Finally, something that really has a chance of working!
So once we treat the physical things, I will do better with my therapist.
Can't fix psychological things without first fixing the physical.

But yes.
I'm at work right now.
Meeting Molly & Aarthi for lunch, then going to get a tour of another apartment we're considering.
Then homework and shenanigans! Though I don't really know what shenanigans will occur... Probably just lots of homework and movies and coffee and ice cream. But those shenanigans are some of the best!

Alright! Back to work!
<3

I am thankful for friends and caffeine. They make all this so much more tolerable and get me through another night.

I am absolutely falling apart.

I have never felt so lost in my life.

And The Moment Will Come When Composure Returns

Unfortunately, that moment is not now.

I'm having a really hard time.
I don't know what to do.
I'm so overwhelmed.
With friends.
With school.
With fear.
With depression.
I want more.
I want it to be right.
Anything.
Everything is crumbling.

My wonderful 'lyssa has made the offer to come take me away from it all, but I don't know whether or not I should take it.
I feel like, if I go home this weekend, I should go see Christian to try to straighten things out.
Plus, I have a midterm Monday.
But I know I won't study for it until Sunday night.
So really? Does it matter?
Or am I looking elsewhere for help when I should be isolating myself?
Is it a situation where, unless I deal with this on my own, no progress will be made?
I really don't know.

I should stay home and deal with things... But I don't really have any reason to stay besides this midterm, do I?
I don't have that much homework, really.
Not any homework I'm planning on doing, anyway.
I'll probably just sleep or mope or waste my weekend away if I stay here...
I really don't know.

I wish I had a magic 8 ball. I need someone to make a decision for me.
I need a to-do list, at the very least.
The only plan I have for the weekend is going to the Skull Session Saturday morning. But that's not set in stone.

And I need sleep.
But the only way I can feel not-depressed and slightly motivated is if I use chemicals: caffeine or alcohol.
And if I do that, I don't sleep.
Fuck.

What do I do?
Please, my few loyal and not-so-loyal blog readers, help me.

Sleep the Clock Around
Belle & Sebastian

Color My Life with the Chaos of Trouble...

...'Cause anything's better than posh isolation.

Things are good today.

I did well on my globalization midterm.

Today in poli sci was a review for our midterm, which will take place on Monday.

Still hate my Arabic class.

Saw my therapist.

I hope he realizes that I'm sacrificing me feeling better for us.

I hope he appreciates that I'm putting "us" before "me".

I really hope he grasps the significance.

Starting to see another doctor on Friday.

I hope this works.

The copays are killing me.

Talked to him on the phone for a good hour and a half today.

Things seem to be progressing.

We're committed to trying.

We're not going to give up without a long, hard fight.

This is not one of those.

He is not one of those.

Finally, one who really cares.

Finally, one who's willing to work hard.

Finally, one who will sacrifice much.

Finally, one who truly loves.

Finally.

I now have music again!

Though I'm really sad that The Pirate Bay is down.

Somehow, while transferring all my music, all my Caribou got deleted.

Totally pissed.

Work tomorrow.

Gotta go to bed.

Gotta be up at 7am.

I am in love.

I am secure.

We are making plans.

For today.

For tomorrow.

For as long as we can.

And hoping we get there.

But if not,

We tried.

And enjoyed the ride.

That's all we can ask.

Of each other.

Of ourselves.

Of love.

The Boy with the Arab Strap.

Belle & Sebastian.

Breakable

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?

Things today have literally fallen to pieces.

Almost couldn't get myself out of bed to go to work.

Horrible things occurred while at work.

I'm left terrified and fearing a repeat of before.

And utterly dejected.

Fuck this.

We are breakable girls and boys.

Ingrid Michaelson

Too Tired for a Real Update

Sooo yeah. The title was pretty self-explanatory.

I have a globalization midterm tomorrow, for which I didn't start studying until about 6 hours ago.

This weekend was very good.

I went home. And surprised my Ishy xD

I miss her so much <3

Thursday night, Al came to visit. We saw the midnight showing of Where the Wild Things Are. It was fucking fantastic.

Then we drove home, making an obligatory Waffle House stop on the way.

I got home to Hudson around 5am.

Did a load of laundry.

Went to bed around 5:30.

My sister had no idea I was coming home. Mom did, she didn't.

I got up around 11:30am, and stood across the room behind my sister, while my mom said something to make her turn around.

Her response, her face; there are no words to describe.

Very long, loving hugging followed.

Then we went college food replenish shopping. Lots of tea.

Went to the football game that night to watch my sissy cheer. My uncle came, too! (Dad was still in Thailand).

After the game (and a post-cheering Wendy's run), I drove up to BW.

Got there around midnight.

Christian was in the shower, so his roommate had to let me in, haha. So funny. He's so chill.

Had an interesting evening, but a nice night. It's always amazing to just lie in bed with him. Sleeping in the same bed as someone I love is my favorite thing in the world. So simple, so innocent, so loving. I absolutely adore it.

Slept late. Went home.

Was depressed--it's one of those things were it's normal to be sad, but not normal to be so dehabilitatingly depressed. It almost makes me wonder if these 12 hour visits are really worth the stress. I know he'd understand. I dunno. I hope it's something that can be improved upon.

Went to see Whip It! with Ishy and Al Saturday night.

Slept.

Had breakfast with the Momma and Ishy Sunday morning.

Chilled.

Chilled with Mom.

Chilled with Mom and Ishy and her boyfriend Jeremy.

A friend brought me back to OSU, where I didn't study until I absolutely had to, due to slight depression caused by leaving my family.

I really missed them. I hadn't realized how much until they came to visit with my grandparents and uncle a few weeks ago.

And I'm getting along much better with my mother. I'm so glad.

This week:

Intro to Globalization midterm tomorrow

2 paid research studies

Arabic report

Poli Sci reading

Lots of Arabic to catch up on

Therapist appointment

I hope this helps.

In other news, I got my replacement portable hard drive! They really did come through. And instead of a refurbished one, they legit gave me a brand new one! I haven't had time to transfer anything yet, but yeah!

Anyway, off to bed. Fucking exhausted and have to be up at 7am for work.

My love is overflowing; it hurts a little.

MOLLY, LOOK! A Non Mopey, Cryptic, Shit-stained Post

So, per the request of Molly, I am updating again.

I know I haven't written much lately. I've been very emotionally agitated of late.

I hope to change that. When I'm extremely upset, I tend to write in my personal journal, because it helps me sort things out and is a very valuable outlet to me. That's what's been going on, but I believe I feel the winds changing.

This weekend was absolutely spectacular!

Molly and Aarthi were amazing enough to drive me up to BW to see Christian. And it was a fucking epic trip! Saturday, WE WENT TO THE FUCKING CLEVELAND ZOO THEN SAW ZOMBIELAND THEN WENT TO DENNY'S FOR BRINNER! Between the three of us, Christian, and Hiram, we completely demolished 5 Grand Slams. It was glorious. Incredibly fun, and I got the chance to spend time with my Love and to talk to him about some important things.

Needless to say, after being manic since Tuesday, I was fucking down in the shit today after returning. But Jacob really helped me out, and helped me distract myself. Although the hardest part for me is about to come--going to bed alone. But I will conquer it. I will push myself to get through the tough parts and, if absolutely necessary, use external stimuli (chocolate, caffeine, potatoes, friends, etc.) to continue on. I can do this. I know I can.

We're working things out.

I've come to realize that my emotional instability and intense mood swings are the main threats to our relationship. I'm working on that. I'm working on being less of a control freak. I'm working on articulating what I can figure out from my confusing and frustrating feelings. He's working on making time to talk to me more. We're doing our best, and I think it's working--I just needed to give it some time. Things are definitely improving and may continue to do so. I love him so completely.

I see my therapist for the first time Tuesday. And my shrink again Thursday. I think I'm going to ask him to refer me to the Integrative Medicine center instead of seeing him. I don't really trust him, and I'm not particularly sure I'm really ok with the psychiatric medication he thinks I should try. We'll see what he says, but I do believe that meditation--not medication--would be more useful in treating my anxiety. I'm not overly fond of taking a potentially dependence-causing sedative to fix that problem. And I'm still debating the medication for my mood disorders. We'll see. Things are going to happen, and I'm not going to give up. It interferes with my life too much for me to give up. And I have too many people supporting me for me to even consider throwing in the towel. I can do it, and they can help.

I'm hoping to go home this upcoming weekend.

I saw that it's parents' weekend at OSU, and I got really sad. I've been talking to my mom a lot more, lately. I think the distance was the best thing for our relationship. We've been actually getting along! And I have felt the need to call her when depressed. In fact, I want to call her now, but I know it's too late, being 2am. And I miss my sister. My dad's in Thailand, at the moment, and I don't know when he'll be back, but I would love to see my sister cheer on Friday, and my favorite uncle's coming to the game to see her, so I would love to see him, as well! Then I might try to go to BW for Saturday night, spend the night, then leave Sunday morning so I can meet my family for lunch after church. Then spend Sunday with them. I also have to study for my globalization midterm, which is on Monday, but I will have time.

I can do this. I am confident. I need to push through the depression.

I have my Love, my friends, my family, and myself.

I can do this.

My love to you all, though I may not know you.

Everyone deserves to be loved, if only by a stranger. <3

When I'm left with questions unasked and unanswered

Things are better.

Or at least on the way to getting better.

Hopefully this is real progress.

I don't know how much longer I can take it if it's not.

We'll see what happens.

Right now, there's homework to do.

Fuck. I need sleep.

Water to Wine.

Saintseneca.

But if God cries tears then drown me in them.

I had a dream about you last night. And your brother. I wish we could eat in Wendy's like we used to after church.

In other news, everything is continuing to fall apart.

And no progress is really happening to stop it.

No surprise there.

Saintseneca. God Bones.

The Fountain

All these years, all these memories, there's been you.

You pull me through time.

Cease to Begin

School's been on for a few weeks now.

Arabic is kicking my ass.

My other two classes are.... I have no fucking idea.

The new library is pretty, though.

A lot of depression.

A lot of mood swings.

A lot of cigarettes.

And now a lot of alcohol.

I thought I was done with that.

I though I'd learned my lesson.

Turns out, when shit doesn't get fixed, it gets worse.

Nothing actually resolves itself.

I feel like nothing ever gets resolved unless I do it myself.

That's how I feel right now.

That's why I'm so sad.

That's why I feel like it's falling apart.

I want to trust, but nothing gets done.

I can't handle nothing getting done.

I need more than that.

I don't know.

Band of Horses.

Cease to Begin.