It's 2:45 in the morning
And I'm putting myself on warning
For waking up in an unknown place
With a recollection you've half erased.
-Elliott Smith
Oh, how I love Elliott Smith. What a fantastic yet troubled musician. Most of the greats are. He is missed.
I remember when I heard my first Elliott Smith song.
It was midnight. I had just turned 16.
And I was ridiculously depressed. A result of my mother, I'm sure.
That's what happens when you are the person on whom someone else takes out all their frustration.
And the closed-mindedness that lets you be okay with taking your own anger out on them.
And I have since realized that every single fucking thing wrong with me is a result of how she treated me. Every. Single. Fucking. Thing.
Anyway, I had called Patrick. Or spoken to him online. Or something.
And he played Satellite for me.
On his acoustic, over the phone.
I remember going outside, no shoes, no socks, no coat. And being November, that was not a smart idea. But I'm used to it. I love the winter. And being barefoot in the snow (*The Fountain flashback*)
I remember crying into the phone. And the song didn't carry well, so Patrick played it for me twice.
Then he sent the actual song to me over the internet.
I fell in love with it that night. And it remains my favorite Elliott Smith song to this day.
I have no idea how I remembered that.
My memory is so fucked up.
As a result of my childhood (and then some), I have developed this coping mechanism.
My memory tends to prevent me from retrieving things voluntarily, especially if the memories I wish to retrieve were bad. They are automatically suppressed.
But sometimes they sneak up on me. They surprise me. Startle me.
This was one of those times. I think it was the song I thought of when I looked at the time.
The other memory to which this song directly corresponds is actually quite awesome to be remembering now.
Was it two years ago? But one year, when I was in Florida with my family for spring break, I listened to the same Elliott Smith mix every night while falling asleep. Yes, it must've been 2 years ago.
And I'll be in that same bed in a week and a half! I can't wait! Time to relax... AFTER AN AWESOME 20hr CAR RIDE WITH ISHY!!!! And a Scrubs marathon. The car ride there is my favorite part ^_^
My dad's in Indonesia right now and doesn't get back until shortly before he needs to come pick me up from school... Which is shortly before we leave for Florida... So, unfortunately, I'm probably going to be driving at some point. I hate driving. I told my parents I'll only drive the late night/early morning shift. So I'll be driving in...... The Carolinas?
Then nothing but studying Arabic, reading French poetry, and reading, reading, reading the many books I am bringing with me, including a large selection of Joseph Campbell books. Ahhh, I can't wait. And I'll finally have time to play my flute! Gah, I miss it so.
Wow. I'm just rambling.
I'm very happy and content and excited about life.
I had another interview for an internship I want. I was basically told that I'm nearly guaranteed a spot--he's just trying to figure out which spot. I hope I get to translate French!
I got another nose stud today. A nice little one. I like it lots.
Milk & Cookies was awesome. Even given the technical difficulties at the end.
I made it 50 minutes into the movie without crying! New record!
And I didn't sob uncontrollably at the end... Mostly because of the aforementioned technical difficulties....
Jesus. I'm listening to Pandora. And I have everything on shuffle.
Iron & Wine: Passing Afternoon.
One of my most favorite songs ever.
I cry. Every time.
I was sad during winter break, and was watching a House marathon, and this song was used in an episode.
Season 4, Episode 16: Wilson's Heart [season 4 finale]
I fucking bawled.
I couldn't listen to this song for a long time.
It was a song that already touched me every time it graced my ears.
Then House had to add one of my greatest fears to the mix.
Jesus. It was heartwrenching.
Then the song kept coming up on shuffle at work right after the breakup.
Fuck. This song has been with me so long, through so much.
And I love it no less.
It's amazing how music can influence people.
For me, it's one of the main things that recall memories.
Actually, THE main thing.
I used to hate listening to old music.
I used to lose my favorite artists after I left a certain part of my life.
Middle School destroyed the White Stripes for me.
High School lost Elliott Smith and Nirvana for me.
I didn't want to recall those memories.
But since winter break, I have been able to love them again.
I have gotten them back.
Thanks to Anthony.
It's amazing how difficult it is for me to get emotionally attached to people.
But once I do... It makes me feel human again. [OMG BEAUTY AND THE BEAST MOMENT!!!!]
It makes me feel strong. Like everything my mother has done to me no longer matters.
And that everything she is still doing is nothing but an obstacle I can overcome.
hahahaha I sound so moody.
It's just the nighttime.
It does that.
No worries, though.
I am a content moody.
I'm just remembering.
Remembering.
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da...
I WANT TO LEARN ANOTHER LANGUAGE!!!!
randommm :)
This is all just me rambling crazy early in the morning!
Fuuck it's long.
If you made it this far, let me know! You deserve a cookie!
82 DAYS UNTIL THE DECEMBERISTS CONCERT!
I love the little dress I bought for it. It makes me feel cute >.<
