Rough Realizations

Things are rough. But I'll leave that alone.

I was doing a lot of thinking today. And I am slowly coming to the suspicion that I fall on the low end of the autism spectrum. For my whole life, I've thought it was a result of the various mental issues, but now I'm starting to see it a little differently.

Why do I think this?

The biggest thing is that I have major difficulty with social things. I don't maintain many social relationships. And I don't enjoy interacting in social situations. Because I have no idea how to act. I thought I was just antisocial until I realized that I spend the entirety of social situations trying to figure out how I am supposed to behave, what is normal. I expend so much energy trying to see how other people are acting and act in the same way. And after all these years I still don't get it. I still hate socializing. I don't know how to speak in turn. I don't know how to make small talk. I still hate large groups of people. I can't do much of anything except be afraid if I am in a crowd. I find it impossible to interact with regular people, let alone when they are in different states of mind.

Other things include my extreme antisocial tendencies as a kid (I think I went to recess maybe ten times total thoroughout my childhood), my early intellectual aptitude, especially for math (I knew my multiplication tables by the end of 1st grade),  the adult novels I read as early as elementary school, and the perplexing nature that was the other neighborhood kids. I never wanted to play with them, and dreaded when they would come over and knock on my door.

I also think of my need to formulate speech. Language is typically one of those things that people with autism tend to struggle with. I have grown out of math and into language. I look at it as its own formula: Which parts must one add up to result in expressing the exact thought, the precise feeling. There are so many subtleties. Word choice, word order, tone. All these things have implications. All these things are parts of the formula. The combinations are infinite. And although most people don't perceive it this way, I am still careful.

One big reason I may be running on a tangent with this idea is because I am extremely sensitive to emotion. Oversensitive. Most of it is in perception of others' speech and body language. I am very aware of the emotional implications of things, even if they aren't true implications. Sometimes I read too much into it. Most of the time, honestly. I perceive things that others aren't trying to convey. So I make a lot of mistakes. And even after perceiving these intricacies, I don't usually know very much about how to respond to them.

I briefly looked into whether autism has significant comorbidity with my mental illness. And one peer-reviewed paper says "Absence of substance abuse and pronounced negative self-image should lead to a clinical suspicion that Autism spectrum disorder might be present." And another states that it is common for Autism spectrum disorders to be accompanied by personality disorders.

Who knows. Maybe I'm thinking too much. But all this extra time to think can't just be resulting in prattle, can it?

Edit: Another reason I feel I may fall on the Autism spectrum: I am much more capable to maintain relationships via non-present methods, such as text messaging or twitter, than I am in real life, physically-present situations. Chronically.

And So Begins Autumn Quarter

Today was the first day of school. I only had one class today. And it was with Aarthi! Both of us got up this morning and said "do you really want to go to class today?" We are like minds.

I went to class. Psychology of Learning. Doesn't seem too bad. It'll be pretty interesting, I think.
I'm feeling pretty good about it, actually. And it looks like it'll be mildly entertaining.

After Class: Work, Meeting, Errands, Cooking Dinner.
It'll be a great night.

I GET A BIG KID'S BED TOMORROW! WOOOO!!! :D

The End of Summer. For Real!

These 3 weeks of summer have been AMAZING.

Last week, Tim and I went to visit one of my dearest friends in Pittsburgh. I meant to write every couple of days, but I didn't. Which is a pity. It was an amazing near-week-long trip. So exciting, so comfortable. Tim and Patrick got on very well. We also visited my sister! She is doing so well. And her roommate rocks. I am very happy.

Notable places in Pittsburgh included: the Strip, 21st Street Coffee, Smithfield Diner, DeLuca's Diner, Presto George Coffee and Tea Shop, FANTASTIC sushi at Penn Avenue Fish Company, tapas and caipirinha at Seviche, beer at Sharp Edge, terrible food and decent beer at Hofbräuhaus, ice cream at The Milk Shake Factory, among many other things. Tim and I  I can honestly say I had the time of my life.

Then I got home and had to catch up with a lot of things at work. No problem. Busy, but not too stressful.

Why is this weekend going to rock?
BECAUSE:
+ Went grocery shopping last night
+ Tonight, Tim and I are going to see World on a Wire, thanks to the wonderful Wexner Center of the Arts
+ Tomorrow, we are going to the Short North Microbrew Festival
+ A good friend just got back from her 6 months in Maine. Reunion will include drink and company
+ Sunday has the potential to include drunk brunch and/or playtime. Though I have a lot of sewing I want to get done.

My second job starts Monday, school starts Wednesday.
Once I get my planner I will be ready to tackle it all. :)

Currently Listening: Little Birds by Neutral Milk Hotel
Currently Readin: The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

That feeling when your shrink cancels your appointment for tomorrow and has nothing available for weeks and you want off these damn meds.

Summer Ending?

I love this sense of life I experience as others express their disappointment with the ending summer.
I love how my [albeit brief] summer just started.
I love that I prefer autumn to summer.
I love that winter is my favorite season - the only downside being difficult to ride a bike/more intense upkeep.
I love that I got so much done last night. And half a bottle of wine gone.
And I am absolutely excited for eating so much good food and beer this weekend. I have tentative plans to grab food from Ali Baba then head out to Bob's Bar for a few hours. Then home to my growler of Rogue Dead Guy Ale. YEAH!

Second Summer

Summer is here! For me, at least.
Classes finished last week. I am in week 1 of 4 of summer!
And last night, I bought Aarthi birthday donuts! Because birthday donuts beat birthday shots any day.

To Do:
- Clean Room
- Fix bike
- Lots of mending, sewing, and tailoring, and all general "old lady" activities
- Drink tons of quality beer
- Watch lots of Netflix
- Eat a shitton of local food!
- READREADREAD!

I am making very good progress on these!

+ Yesterday, I completely gutted my dank basement bedroom then swept, mopped, and dusted it, the bathroom, and the kitchen. I gutted my desk, closet, shelves, and dresser. Then began putting things back together--in an organized fashion! This is the slow process, but I am almost finished.
+ I finally received the wonderful tires I had ordered for my bike. They are lovely bright blue in hue. They will go well with my recycled blue bicycle. I'm sure I will be posting photos when I'm finished. Though I will probably continue adding contrasting lime green forever, so it will never be truly finished. But I will, at the very least, upload a photo once I get the new tires on it.
+ I have so much sewing to do! I have a white elastic belt I'm working on. A couple more cloth belts to make. A dress that is almost finished. Two dress shirts and a pair of shorts to tailor. Cute tap pants to construct, so I can ride my bike without flashing everyone. A dress that has yet to be started. Ditto with a corset. A beret to crochet. A floppy-eared winter hat to crochet (or knit, if I'm feeling feisty). And a dinosaur hood (similar to this one) to crochet for Aarthi's birthday. All on top of the cross-stitching and afghan I've been working on for funsies. The verdict: I am the best at being a twenty-something old lady.
+ I love craft beer. This, combined with my love of Portland, OR, have inspired me to purchase a growler of Rogue Dead Guy Ale, on top of all of the beer I habitually splurge on. How lovely. (Though I miss Black Butte. So. Fucking. Much.)
+ I have watched tons of shit. Lots of Breaking Bad (because I am unabashedly obsessed with Bryan Cranston). A bit of series two of Skins. A documentary about Snuff films (which made me think of the Palahniuk book of the same name). And I have 2 films that I must watch before they are unavailable on Netflix InstantPlay at midnight tonight, one of which is foreign, so I have my evening cut out for me!
+ My list of local food is very long, and my progress (largely due to my limited pocketbook) very slow. But I am making progress! How a wonderful turkey burger last week. This week will yield $1 grilled cheese and Young's Double Chocolate Stout drafts on Wednesday and hopefully delicious Ethiopian food this weekend.
+ I finished Catching Fire! I feel like a squeeb reading the Hunger Games series, but I haven't been this excited about a series since the Lord of the Rings! I haven't started Mockingjay yet, though. I've been too busy reading War All The Time, because apparently I believe Bukowski is best read while in that vulnerably, foggy state between consciousness and unconsciousness. And my friend just returned Middlesex to me, so I should probably finish that before I start anything else. Next on my list are The Unbearable Lightness of Being and Damned. (If you're also a book geek, look me up on Goodreads).

Summer has been great, and it is just starting. I can't wait. I am so excited to sew and watch and read and eat and drink. This is truly great.

Also, I am currently obsessing over musical artist St. Vincent. Annie Clark is an angel.
Here's her new video:

St. Vincent - "Cruel"

Hey guess what! THINGS DON'T SUCK RIGHT NOW!

My summer is FINALLY beginning! Well, ignoring the GRE I'm retaking next week. But I'm not worried. I've done most of the studying anyway.

I've been doing really well lately. Summer classes were/are nice and chill, and I greatly prefer doing everything in 5 weeks instead of 10. I would absolutely die if I took classes on a semester schedule. I'm kicking ass in all of my classes, which is good because spring quarter was pretty fucking awful, grade-wise.

My Ishy moved in at uni last night. I wasn't able to be there with her, but we've been texting. Her roommate is baller, and she really likes her digs. She starts classes next week. And so will begin her 3 + 2 program in Occupational Therapy. In the Honors college. With a decent scholarship. I am so proud of her.

I have done all my assignments for the last week of class, so all I have to do is pretty much go to class for the next week. So I have TONS of free time. I ordered a new sewing machine, so I'm hoping I get that today. I have a bunch of patterns and fabric ready to go! I had started a new dress from scratch a couple months ago, but my machine broke, so I couldn't finish it. SOON! :D

I've been doing well mentally, too. It's really nice. Starting up some intense therapy. It'll be yet another thing in my schedule, but it'll definitely be worth it. I'm ready.

I've finalized both of my majors as well as both of my minors. And after this next round of honors contract revisions, I will be sending in my application to graduate. March 2012. Hell. Fucking. Yes.

Anyway, that's about it. [I can't believe I've never done this] But if any of you however few readers have any questions about my life or anything, feel free to ask it in a comment. :)

Playlist Poetry

Take me anywhere, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care
Give me one good reason not to do it--(Because I love you)
You once talked to me about love, and you painted pictures of a Never Never Land
I would say 'I love you', but saying it out loud is hard, so I won't say it at all
You are the life I needed all along
There are things we can't recall, blind as night that finds us all
A baby sleeps in all our bones, so scared to be alone
In the morning when you finally go and the nurse runs in with her head hung low, and the cardinal hits the window
In the morning, in the winter shade, on the first of March, on the holiday, I thought I saw you breathing
The most important thing about you standing in my doorway is that it's you, and that you're standing in the doorway
And you smile as you ease the gun from my hand, and I'm frozen with joy right where I stand
There used to be a tree where we took our pretty things
I'm afraid to forget you; I am remembering you: You were spakling
Does his hand in your hair feel a lot like a thing you believe in?
In the morning I'll be with you, but it'll be a different kind
I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
Haven't laughed this hard in a long time; I'd better stop now before I start crying
If I leave before you, darling, don't you waste me in the ground
Let the poets cry themselves to sleep, and all their tearful words would turn back into steam
You're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for
But with this long last rush of air, let's speak our vows in starry whisper
I'd give my body to be back again, in the rest of the room
Some had crawled their way into your heart to rend your ventricles apart
A burned out world you know, staying up all night.

[the music]

Rant: Young Marriage

Just saw on facebook that a "friend" of mine is getting married. He has been dating his girlfriend since January. OMG 5 MONTHS WE ARE SO IN LOVE OBVIOUSLY GETTING MARRIED AND MOVING TO CHINA IN A MONTH ARE A GREAT IDEA!

He's pulled stupid shit like this before. He has abused her in the past. I don't fucking understand people. I called him out on his fb. I don't give a damn anymore. I'm done sitting around. Personally, I think he's rude and inappropriate and a douchebag. But apparently he's moving back to China in June so I will never have to worry about it again!

TL;DR: MARRIAGE IS STUPID DON'T BOTHER. UNLESS YOU, FOR SOME ANTIQUATED REASON, BELIEVE THAT SEX IS BAD IN WHICH CASE YES LET'S BASE THE REASON FOR GETTING MARRIED OFF THE DESIRE TO BONE.

Anyway, I haven't done any homework and feel entirely useless. Cue depression.

Many, Many Things

I've been feeling alright for the past couple weeks. Those 2 huge meltdowns seemed to be the end of it [for now].

These past weeks have been super stressful. Unfortunately I had 2 midterms during the week between the 2 meltdowns. So I was on therapist-mandated bedrest for the week before my exams and ended up super behind in everything. Aaaand my exam grades definitely show it. They threw me into the beginning of another downward spiral, as I was still unstable and recovering from the previous one. After much anxiety and convincing from Tim, I talked to two of my professors, which helped restore a little bit of confidence in myself. Knowing that I am not for sure fucked and probably not going to lose my scholarship this quarter is a really nice thing. So for now, increased medication, more frequent therapist visits, and doing my best to cope until a DBT individual/group slot opens up.

It's pretty fucking frustrating. These last 2 meltdowns were the most severe I've ever had. I hadn't felt anywhere close to that way since middle school. It was extremely scary. I don't really know what mindset I need to take in order to continue. They changed everything. How I'm thinking about this, how I think I should go about coping, everything. And I'm now getting desperate. I hope I have a good amount of time to recover before the next one, because I honestly don't know what things will change this next time.

Anyway, today my anxiety has been through the roof. Three anxiety attacks within the course of an hour. Completely biological, this time. Tremors, trouble breathing. Usually it's primarily the psychological symptoms. I'm not used to having these symptoms to this extent; I don't know how to cope. And I had just increased my meds. What the fuck? Maybe I need to get my hands on something new. I'll talk to my shrink about it.

AND SO MUCH HOMEWORK THIS WEEKEND FUCKING SHIT ON A CUNT.
Arabic professor assigned an unprecedented amount of homework and, seeing as it usually takes me 15+ hours to complete it, I am not happy.
Two 10-page papers due next week. I'm doing very well on both of them, but I still need to do lots of editing.
All on top of my regular reading and reviewing and other assignments. Seriously?

But no worries! I have plans to go out Thursday, in celebration of essentially completing the quarter that almost destroyed me. I almost had to drop out due to mental illness; somehow I made it. Who cares that I have to be at work at 8am on Friday, I am going to the gay bar with a bunch of friends, or maybe very few friends--I DON'T CARE! So if anyone wants to join me for $3 long islands and $4 tokyo teas on Thursday, you know where to find me. :)

And something amazing happened last week. He's back. I don't get it. I still don't know what happened. But he's back.
It made me realize that I should probably pay more attention to my dissociation tendencies. HAHA what an impossible task!

I am sooo excited for finals week. I know that doesn't make sense, but it's because I am going to three shows: She Wants Revenge, Bright Eyes, and Neon Indian. Then Cotton Jones the Sunday after that!!!! Plus, a couple wonderful friends will be visiting for the Bright Eyes show. There will be cooking, exploring, and drunk Scrabble galore! Ok, so most of our plans involve eating. OH WELL. WE FUCKING DESERVE IT. And then my Ishy will be visiting me the week after that! Our plans also mostly involve eating. YESSSSSSSSSS.

Obsessed with this album at the moment. Once you get past the odd voice, it is so endearing and raw: http://grooveshark.com/album/Huggable+Dust/1100773?src=5

Feel Better, I Beg of You

Things haven't been going well at all.
The mental illness, combined with college, is really getting to me, destroying me.
I should have dropped out last year, like I suggested.
I've had two complete breakdowns in two weeks.
My therapist is worried about me.
My shrink won't refill my prescriptions on time.
The DBT lab has a 30-person wait list. Every other place is an hour away by bus.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.
All I want is to feel better.
All I want is to stop feeling like this monster whose main guilt is putting people through this.
I am ashamed and embarrassed of this stupid biological/genetic/environmental/whatever issue that I have.
I hadn't used these coping mechanisms in almost 10 years.
I haven't been this bad at any point in my entire memory.
A relapse past the beginning.
I don't know what else to do.
I am getting desperate.
This is getting dangerous.

FBI Material. NOT.

The most interesting thing that has happened today:

That guy I went to high school with messaged me on facebook last week saying he got a new phone and needed my number again, because he had something he needed to tell me. I didn’t respond, trying to decide whether to give it to him or not. I finally did. 

Well, he texted me today. Told me he was just sworn into the Coast Guard. I said “Cool! Why did you decide to join?” he said because it will look good on his resume. HIS RESUME. Why the fuck would you join the military because of your RESUME. He has always pissed me off. He is a upper-middle class white male who has NO FUCKING IDEA what real life is like. He thinks joining the Coast Guard will get him into the FBI. This is the guy who won’t kiss a girl unless he’s married to her, by the way. Because that’s how God wants it to be.

So I eventually just said something about how it was stupid and I can’t believe he would be so closedminded and idiotic about his life plan and the course of action to achieve his life goals. I told him that I almost didn’t give him my number and that next time I won’t. 

Him: “Fine, because obviously i have the wrong number.”

Then I said: “Every time I ride a bus, I think about how you complained about public transportation because it won’t let YOU go as fast as you want in your CAR. I’m sorry that not everyone is a white male with the money for their own transportation or even health care. You’ve creeped on me for 2 years now, sending me winkies and saying weird things even though I’ve told you repeatedly that I have a boyfriend. Find your own friends who will bitch about things you feel entitled to while I can’t even afford my fucking medication and leave me alone.”

The funny thing? I feel totally fine today. I didn’t just go off on him. I felt fine before, and I feel fine now. No symptoms of my mental illness today. No depression or anxiety or frustration at all. And I feel no regret. I tried for years to teach him that most people need more help than he does, that they need public transportation and health care and things like that. I’ve tried to be patient. I’ve put up with bullshit Baptist shit he’s done/said/whatever. I tried to teach him. But he won’t learn. He refuses. He won’t read a single book except his precious Bible. And you know what? That is EXACTLY what will prevent him from getting into the FBI. He is not well-rounded. He cannot put himself into other people’s shoes. He will NEVER be able to think like anything he does not already think like. 

I sincerely hope the FBI calls me as a reference some day. Because if someone like him, Mister “my father makes over $100k a year and I have never had to do anything I’ve not wanted to do ever in my life. btw Jesus is the only reason to live!”, gets into the FBI, I will have lost all hope in this country.

Mid-Quarter Frustration

You know what's frustrating?
Thinking you're about to finish all the papers assigned this quarter to have a professor just whip a 20-page research paper, complete with footnotes and shittons of references out of his ass. And no, it wasn't on the syllabus.

I think it's just sinking in, as I finish the paper that I *thought* was going to be the last one of the quarter. I was so excited to be able to catch up on sleep, focus on myself and my mental health, and have some time to be social, to read, to take and edit photographs for the next 4 weeks. I am starting to mourn the loss of me-time that just slipped from my grasp.

I'm disappointed, but not depressed.
I'm hoping I can keep my chin up and stay motivated long enough to complete the research and drafting of this horrendous paper.
So any well-wishes are very, very welcome.

In closing: Arabic sucks.

I was wrong to be optimistic.

Exhaustedly Optimistic

I'm feeling stressed and exhausted, but rather optimistic about things.

I've been doing pretty well lately, with not too many outbursts or breakdowns. I'm not feeling quite as emotionally exhausted as usual.

Oh right. Midterms were fine. At least the 2 of 4 that I have taken. Soooo yeah. School is...whatever. It'll be nice, though, because I have just this weekend of heavy homework, then I will have completed all the papers and things that are due this quarter. All I will have left is typical weekly reading and reflecting. Maybe I will eventually have a social life.

This quarter isn't too bad, academically, so I feel like I should be dedicating extra time to my emotional issues. What a great time to realize this, half-way through the quarter, eh? But oh well. At least I noticed it. So no more skipping therapist appointments and no more ignoring my pills.

Speaking of which, it's bedtime.
nini! :3

May I Say...

...Being Sick Sucks.
Yeah, Tim was sick earlier this week, and now I am. But our symptoms are exactly opposite. How strange.

Anyway, It has been a pretty difficult 48 hours. Lots of stuff going on, most of which I do not want to/cannot talk about.
Apart from that, it hasn't been too bad. My courses this quarter are nearly all a joke. I find a couple of them enjoyable, but the others are a waste of time. Hopefully it will be a nice GPA boost. Next quarter is gonna be rough. I'll need it.
I have 2 midterms next week. Funny. I haven't heard anything about either. Hmmm...

In other news, Reddit controls my life. Werd.

Hello There, Winter Quarter!

Yes yes yes. It is now Winter Quarter.
Technically it is now week 2 for me, but I didn't update last week.

Who would have thought that week 1 would have so much homework!
I didn't do it all....since I am still waiting on one of the textbooks, hahaha.

Here is the rundown of my classes:
Arabic 621 - Etymology of Arabic Islamic Terms: This is a workshop, which I have only once a week. Since it is so infrequent, it is 3 hours long. But it's not so bad. It is not nearly as much reading as I'd expected. It consists entirely of lexicons, and even my professor said it will be quite boring, but I don't find it too horrible. Lots of reading and translating, but it is also very interesting, seeing as many of these words were polytheistic in origin.
Psych 462 - Psychology of Creativity: This is a pretty interesting and fun class. The only downside is that the professor is like Mel (from Flight of the Conchords) except with an annoying level of agreeableness. There are a lot of guest speakers, though, so it's not so bad. Last week, a music therapist came in. AND WE PLAYED TONE CHIMES OMG.
Psych 550H - Honors Psychology of Childhood: So. Fun. I don't like children, but the professor is this Russian guy with a hilarious sense of humor. And the readings are interesting. We're still in the beginning portion of the class, where we review ethics and the scientific method, but I can tell by the reading I've done already that it will be interesting, despite my despise for children.
Psych 540 - Intro to Counseling: This is the most pointless class I have ever taken in my life. The reading is ridiculously common sense. Unless you're planning on going to grad school (which I am not), there is no point to taking this class. It is essentially, "What to look for when continuing your education in psychology 101". So far I have learned: I read a book during class (I go because of extra credit points) and that I chose the wrong major (I should've done social work).

Work this quarter isn't horrible. I work at the office Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, then I work at the Marketplace Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. I get Saturday off! Though I don't love working 6 days a week, I love that I get a whole day off and never have to go to both jobs in the same day.

ANYWAY. Things are going pretty well (especially since the Marketplace is closed Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, and school(/the office) is closed Monday!). It is now time for me to head off to my Arabic class. Cheers!