Patience & Fear

This is something very stupid to say, and you'll just sit there and say DUH! but I'm scared. Very scared.

It's not necessarily the same fear as before--similar, but not the same.
I've never known a fear like this before, and I never thought I'd be in a situation where I would have to.

I'm moving to the crazy, most likely stupid fears, the ones I shouldn't be worrying about--at least that's what the outside would say.
I feel otherwise, nonetheless.
No matter what reassurance I get/will get, I will be like this for awhile. I will be paranoid.

I'm afraid to say or do something seemingly insignificant to fuck things up again. I'm very conscientious, but I'm still afraid that I will say or do something that I don't realize is a big deal at all, and I don't read well into text message responses, probably because I know I can't read into them, so there's that fear. When something happens, even if it isn't anyone's fault, I'm afraid. And when I don't get a reassuring text back after I explain what happened, I panic.

I wish I could say that I can't justify this fear, but I can. Monday showed that to me, although it was hardly insignificant, but I did not expect anything concerning Monday to have happened. And when it did, I didn't expect it to be taken the way it was. I don't know how to predict reactions anymore. People are so far removed and distracted and pushed to the edge that I don't know how they will respond to anything.

I am in dire need of constant reassurance.
It seems pathetic, and I would never have chosen myself to be this way, but I see it as a temporary condition.
It will alleviate itself gradually as the situation improves.

So I'm scared in a way that I thought I would never be because surely I would get out of the situation before it came to this.
But I'm here.
And just the fact that I'm willing to stay here should say something.
I hope it does.

What I need to be is patient.
That is the most important thing, right now.
That is what this situation calls for.
That is what I am being called on to be.
That is what I must do.
Unfortunately, it's not my strongsuit.

I am very considerate and logical and conscientious, but patient? No.
I'm trying really hard to be very accepting, right now.
Things are tough. For everybody. More so for others than myself.
I understand that.
Now I need to put that understanding into actions.
There are some things that bug me, that really bug me, that I will need changed eventually, but I know that right now is not the time to bring it up.
There are more important tasks at hand.
I am frustrated by some actions.
I am unsettled.
But it is not the time for resolving this.
They are minor things, mere annoyances and personal instabilities.
But others have enough to worry about right now.
I will suck it up and deal with these meager instabilities for awhile, for as long as is needed.
I am being very careful to not restrict anything to a time frame.
I'm allowing as much time as is possibly needed.

Nevertheless, I am scared.
I am afraid of the sudden changes of mind.
Nay, I am terrified.

I am opening myself up to be hurt again, making myself completely vulnerable.
And rather than fearing the pain, I fear the consequences.
I fear losing it.
I fear losing him.

Every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time.

Wow. & Arabic.

My classes are done for the day! wtf?!
It's so weird how much time I have when I don't go to work!
I'm going somewhere at 4:30 until 5:30, but other than that, clean day!
Maybe I'll get some of that hard-core econ studying done... I need to.

MIDTERM GRADES ARE BACK!
And the news is good (mostly)!
Physics: 93.33% --> I just need a 92% or above on the final for an A!
Arab Culture: 94.2% --> Won't be a problem ^_^
Arabic: 95%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! --> Just gotta retain all my vocab and learn conjugations
[Econ #1: 74%]
[Econ #2: TBD] }--> Just gotta haul ass.

I may actually be able to pull off a 4.0 this quarter!
And I fucking need it.
I've just gotta kick serious ass on econ. So I think I'll study for my Arabic quiz now, then do nothing but econ for the rest of the night.
JESUS! I'M SO PUMPED!!!!


And I loooove Arabic!
As I keep studying it, I love it more and more!
It's nearly all I think about.
I nearly think in the language!
All I want to do is speak it, find someone who does speak it, so I can converse in it regularly, outside of class.
I am helplessly in love with Arabic!
And the culture of those who speak it.
The food, the customs, the people, the traditions, everything!
Wow, I have found my true love.
And many tell me it is quite pathetic how obsessed with it I am.
I reallly want to get enough money to go to Lebanon this summer.
Or get the scholarship to go to Egypt.
Oh so very badly.
It is ridiculous.
Ah, I love it.


And this song has been stuck in my head all morning.
It's a slow one and a little twangy, but one of my favorites <3
The Decemberists: "After the Bombs"
104 Days ^_^

Sickkkk :((

This weekend has been fun... For the most part.
Luke wasn't here this weekend, so it was pretty strange...

I have honestly done nearly no work at all this weekend, though.
Quite possibly the most unproductive weekend of my life.
And I have a killer econ midterm on Thursday. Fuck.

Anyway, Friday, Aarthi, Molly, Matt, and I decided to go down to Cane's (because Aarthi & Molly had never been there before!) and watch drunk people. Theresa even made us a hilarious scavenger hunt list. And even though it was only 11, we found quite a few things on the list!!!
We ran into Ena & Chris on the way there, so they went with us.

After eating, we were gonna go to Axis, the gay/lesbian dance club in the Short North, but we were waiting for Ena's AWESOME friend Acacia to get here... but she got lost... and we didn't go (even though Aarthi and I were crazy ho-ed out and ready to DANCEEEE!!!)

We were sexiled that night, so we went to sleep.
I woke up in the morning feeling a little weird, but I got up. Then I tried to plug in my computer charger, and LO AND BEHOLD! it didn't work! So I spent all damn morning corresponding with Dell trying to figure out what was going on. Eventually they just said they'd ship me a new one. Then I volunteered for 2 hours. Then changed right back into my PJs. I started not feeling very well. My throad was hurting a lot. We WERE gonna go to Axis that night, but I didn't feel well. Molly & Matt and some band people were over. It was funny cuz this one guy was totally flirting with Aarthi and she didn't even realize it! I loooove Aarthi and her innocence!

Anyway, I got really sick, and when I get sick, I get really... off. Very mental.
So I spent quite some time alone.
Then went to bed.
And coughed all fucking night.

When I woke up this morning, I felt like complete shit.
So Molly and I went to Marketplace for food.
Then came back.
Still with nothing done.
Then Chris and I went to Target. I bought vapor rub, cough drops, and cough syrup. Intense.
Then back. Now still not doing homework.
Wow.

I am so sick. It's bad.
I feel like crap.
I've already decided to skip work all week because I have so much to do and don't feel well.
So we'll see what happens. :-\

105 DAYS UNTIL THE DECEMBERISTS AND ALYSSA!!!!! <3

The End of Sociability

Soo... sometimes I feel like such a horrible employee for texting and obsessedly monitoring my email... Then I realize, I don't take breaks or get into conversations with coworkers, so it's okay!

I also update my calendar the most when at work, haha.
I just think of things I need to put on it!

And I listen to music. Lots and lots of music.
(And I never EVER watch/listen to Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog)
I usually have my Zen choose a random album for me to listen to.
I have so much music on it that I haven't really listened to yet. What an opportunity!

Well, the Zen chose the album Catch for Us the Foxes by mewithoutYou (which has been dumbassedly labeled as a Christian band... Ring a bell, Evanescence?) and I realized that they're actually pretty cool. Now I'm sad I only have the one album :(
But now I am also proud to say that I have seen them live, albeit 5 years ago.

Now I'm listening to Modest Mouse.
It has been a looong while.
And luckily, it doesn't bring back those haunting emotions which music tends to evoke in me.
I had totally forgotten how cool* some of their lyrics are (and of course how catchy the beat):
"I said what I said that I'd tell ya / That you killed the better part of me"
"I changed my mind so much that I can't even trust it / My mind changed me so much that I can't even trust myself."

*I say "cool" because they are not awesome, fantastic, nor spectacular. If you want awesome, listen to Iron & Wine. If you want fantastic, listen to The Arcade Fire. And if you want spectacular, listen to The Decemberists (and don't forget a dictionary).

Anyway, I was just thinking.
After the events of the beginning of this calendar year, I have found that I have become much more sociable (in addition to becoming more academically motivated, but that's not the point).
I have gone to great depths of effort in order to find distractions for myself, from myself.
I spent tons of time studying.
I made a bunch of new friends and spent far more time with my previous ones.
I have been careful not to blindly latch onto anybody. I never ever look for a rebound. It's not usually a problem for me--I value other people's mental and emotional stability far more than I do my own--but this past month and a half has been unspeakably difficult for me.

I believe it is now time for me to reign myself in.
I have become far more sociable than I am comfortable being with schoolwork hanging over my shoulder.
So I am going to stop.
Some things are just more important than people.
I am by no means saying that I am completely withdrawing.
I enjoy people and being sociable far too much.
I am just going to be more selective.
I am going to spend time with people whom I truly wish to spend time.
So don't take it to heart if I tell you I can't hang out because I'm busy.
But do if I say that I can or if I suggest it.

Don't worry that I'm going to be making myself unhappy: I won't!
I enjoy school and studying more than nearly all else.
And every hour I spend studying Arabic melts my heart with joy.
That language is my life.
Or hopefully it will be in the future.

I keep focusing on the things that I want the most in life.
The things I had to sacrfice.
The things I can once again achieve.

It is wonderful.
I am at peace.
At least for the moment, but one thing I've learned is that you need to learn to truly appreciate every moment you feel completely, utterly peaceful and content.
Happiness is relative.
I am content.

Insanity!

As you can see, I'm sticking to the titles that begin with the letter I.
I'm like the cookie monster, except I don't allow vegetable substitutes.

I am extraordinarily exhausted, thus I waste what little time I have to do homework doing everything BUT homework!
But at least I'm gonna end up with this über-sweet blog post to show for it!

I'm eating my favorite soup right now. My mommom sent me home with some (when I say home, I mean Columbus, FYI).

Today has been crazy!
Tuesday is the one weekday I don't go to work, and oftentimes it is the one day on which I have the most to do!
Speaking of which, I GOT AARTHI A JOB WITH ME!!!!!!! ^_^
Here's what happened:

• Physics, Econ, Arabic, Lab
• Ustaath Hišam flipped a shit in Arabic class today.... Still don't know why.....
• We were really ahead of the class for most of the lab period, so we chillaxed with TA and talked about Scarlet Takes a Tumble
• Had my RA interview. It was AWESOME! I just hope I didn't come off impersonal or too methodical
• Had a nice hour to let off steam while talking to Selina
• Psych experiment #2 of 7
• Back here... TRYING to get myself to do homework, once again failing
• Learned that I reallllly should never ever drink coffee again

This past weekend was wonderful.
It was awesome hanging with my favorites all weekend.

The children's play was fantastic (BRAVO!!!!), Chipotle was wonderful (both times), hanging with the most fantastic people anyone could ever hope to work with was amazing. And I actually got along with my mom!!!!!! It was wonderful! I think me going away was a very good thing for us. And it was awesome seeing Ishy and the gang!

Ahhhh, what a weekend. Even if I did neglect to study for the 3 midterms I had Monday.
(And I think I did well on them, too!!!)

I must admit, I have not gotten Dr. Horrible out of my head for weeks now!!!!
I woke up singing My Eyes and have yet to get it out of my head.
Although I do mentally gaze at Neil Patrick Harris' face when he first begins Brand New Day. Oh, baby, gotta love them flamers.

Hopefully we shall be watching it AGAIN this weekend!

And I totally NEVER watch/listen to it at work!!!!! ;)

Oh, this weekend:

• Decemberists tickets are released Friday
• Homework like mad
• Taking Aarthi & Molly to Cane's so they can experience it for the first time!!!
• Hopefully having the strength to refrain from getting another piercing
• More homework
• Movies
• Sexile
• Homework

LET IT BE KNOWN!
DAYS 1-28 OF FEBRUARY ARE DESIGNATED MOVIE NIGHTS!
FEEL FREE TO STOP BY!

To answer your question, No. Molly never studies :)

If you're bored this weekend or want to do something, send me a text.
Hell, if you're bored EVER, send me a text.
I don't like class that much.

Idiocy

I don't know why I thought it was a good idea.
I don't know what the fuck made me think I could handle it.

I went home this weekend, and it was one of the worst mistakes I've made in awhile.
I really went back to go to the Children's Play, which I enjoyed immensely! Well done!!!
But the weekend as a whole killed me.

I had a ton of fun! I brough Molly & Luke with me.
I spent some crazy awesome time with some of my dearest friends.
I got along really well with my family (living apart has been wonderful for both my mom and myself)
But being there was hard as hell.
Fucking impossible.

What the hell was I thinking?
How did I think that going back to a place in which nearly every single memory I have is tainted by his presence?
What the fuck did I think would happen?

I hadn't been able to figure out what I was feeling for a month.
I had no idea what I was doing, what I wanted.
Then last week, I finally got it straight.
I figured it out, I came to a conclusion.
Then I went home.
What the fuck was I thinking?

That city and every memory I come across while in it is poison.
This past year has created far too many.
It is lethal.

If I hadn't had Molly & Luke there, I don't know what I would've done.
The entire time I was there I wanted to do something destructive.
My feelings were so immensely painful that I needed to do something drastic just to appease my emotions.

The entire time I felt like I couldn't believe I was back there like that.
And all I wanted to do was either go to bed in peace or never return.
It was horrible.
Absolute hell.

I thought it was supposed to get easier.
I'm tired of being lied to.

Rough Realizations

So it's one of those situations where I know what I want, but I also know that there's a very slight chance that I will be able to actually achieve it should the opportunity present itself.

And I feel like a huge loser when I quote this, but this is exactly what I thought of:

"There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts go too deep... and they've taken hold."

As Molly said, Fear is such a limiting thing.

I'm just at the point where I need to decide whether I face it or let it win. And in this situation,it's not imperative, nor necessarily better for me, that I face it.

At least I've made progress on myself.
I have never been happier with who I am and who I am becoming.
There's just something missing...
...And I don't even know if I want it back.

"...Still the same, just like a cancer...."
--The Arcade Fire, "Crown of Love"