Rough Realizations

Things are rough. But I'll leave that alone.

I was doing a lot of thinking today. And I am slowly coming to the suspicion that I fall on the low end of the autism spectrum. For my whole life, I've thought it was a result of the various mental issues, but now I'm starting to see it a little differently.

Why do I think this?

The biggest thing is that I have major difficulty with social things. I don't maintain many social relationships. And I don't enjoy interacting in social situations. Because I have no idea how to act. I thought I was just antisocial until I realized that I spend the entirety of social situations trying to figure out how I am supposed to behave, what is normal. I expend so much energy trying to see how other people are acting and act in the same way. And after all these years I still don't get it. I still hate socializing. I don't know how to speak in turn. I don't know how to make small talk. I still hate large groups of people. I can't do much of anything except be afraid if I am in a crowd. I find it impossible to interact with regular people, let alone when they are in different states of mind.

Other things include my extreme antisocial tendencies as a kid (I think I went to recess maybe ten times total thoroughout my childhood), my early intellectual aptitude, especially for math (I knew my multiplication tables by the end of 1st grade),  the adult novels I read as early as elementary school, and the perplexing nature that was the other neighborhood kids. I never wanted to play with them, and dreaded when they would come over and knock on my door.

I also think of my need to formulate speech. Language is typically one of those things that people with autism tend to struggle with. I have grown out of math and into language. I look at it as its own formula: Which parts must one add up to result in expressing the exact thought, the precise feeling. There are so many subtleties. Word choice, word order, tone. All these things have implications. All these things are parts of the formula. The combinations are infinite. And although most people don't perceive it this way, I am still careful.

One big reason I may be running on a tangent with this idea is because I am extremely sensitive to emotion. Oversensitive. Most of it is in perception of others' speech and body language. I am very aware of the emotional implications of things, even if they aren't true implications. Sometimes I read too much into it. Most of the time, honestly. I perceive things that others aren't trying to convey. So I make a lot of mistakes. And even after perceiving these intricacies, I don't usually know very much about how to respond to them.

I briefly looked into whether autism has significant comorbidity with my mental illness. And one peer-reviewed paper says "Absence of substance abuse and pronounced negative self-image should lead to a clinical suspicion that Autism spectrum disorder might be present." And another states that it is common for Autism spectrum disorders to be accompanied by personality disorders.

Who knows. Maybe I'm thinking too much. But all this extra time to think can't just be resulting in prattle, can it?

Edit: Another reason I feel I may fall on the Autism spectrum: I am much more capable to maintain relationships via non-present methods, such as text messaging or twitter, than I am in real life, physically-present situations. Chronically.