I am going to reveal myself publicly, so I have no choice but to own up to it and move forward.
And this post took me over 2 hours to write and went through many revisions, so please, if you choose to read it, take it seriously.
So, it's been a difficult couple of days.
I've finally calmed down and recovered enough from the breakup to be able to progress on my own problems.
Er... Not so much progress, but identify.
Ever since the breakup, I've felt so insecure.
It's so strange, since I feel so much better about myself when I'm not in a relationship. That's how I end up in another.
Then it ends up tearing me down. Somehow.
In all honesty, I hate sharing things about myself. But I also feel like it's a necessity. I hide too much. Yes, I'm open and loud and opinionated about lots of things, like sex, my disdain of organized religion, how my family doesn't provide what I need to be emotionally healthy, but nothing like this. So please understand that this isn't easy, and I'm doing this more for myself than for any of you, my few readers.
My 14 Realizations
Realization 1: I'm truly me when I'm single.
Each breakup leads to a time of reflection and self-[re-]discovery.
For example, I met Christian about 5 months after an extremely painful breakup last year, one which I have characterized as a betrayal of the most intimate kind, after which I used my location of Rock Bottom to build myself up again, completely explicating my thoughts and reconstructing myself as the woman I wanted to be. No thought was left unexplored, and I worked hard to improve upon my faults, though I [regrettably] did not fix the most prominent flaw I possessed, and was completely comfortable in my shoes and proud of who I was when I met him, and he was in a similar comfortability with himself. That is why we got along, why we felt such an intense connection, why we decided to brave the constant distance. I had never met anyone with whom I felt a truly spiritual connection upon first meeting. And I regret, more than anything, that I allowed myself and my anxieties to sever that bond and drive him away.
For me, my relationships with other people, not exclusively those of a romantic nature, are my source of joy in life. I find that closeness and intimacy are the most beautiful things in existence, but betrayal/loss of such causes the most pain, psychically, and that is the pain which cuts your soul to the quick. People are virtually guaranteed to let you down, due to their precocious emotional nature and lack of divine qualities, thus pain, in some capacity, is the single thing that can be ensured from such a relationship.
It is through the reflection of the relationship, the horribly painful recollection of good and bad times which plagues the broken-hearted, that I grow. After each ended relationship, I see my mistakes, see what their effects were, and choose the most destructive behaviors and do my damnedest to correct them. Not because I want to get said boyfriend back, not because I want to be "more desirable" for another relationship, but because they are behaviors which are prevalent--and cause harm--in each and every aspect of my life.
I am in no way saying this is easy, and that I don't occasionally entertain the thought Hey, maybe he'll see that I've changed and want me back. Honestly, I have no idea if I would even want to try again with him, for various reasons. But it doesn't mean that I don't want more than anything, at times, to call him and hear his voice. The desire to speak to him is so strong at times that I have to call Alyssa or hide my phone battery (and give my mom or sister the home phone so I don't use that, since I have the damn number memorized). At those low points, during those desires to pursue any hope of a restoration of that original bond, I wonder if he thinks about how hard it is for me to not contact him, my inability of which being such a huge problem during our relationship. It has been over two weeks since I have heard from him at all. I don't know if I ever will. And it absolutely kills me. But I know he needs his space. And I respect him.
This process of repairing myself is often daunted by circumstances. First it was final exams, then it was my family's inability to display any bit of sympathy, empathy, desire to help. That first weekend, the one before exams, my mother was a great help, but now it's as if she's telling me "Oh, get over it already." The most sincere feelings are those that continue; they don't seem to understand that I'm still hurting and to fucking give me a hug every god damn once in awhile or tell me they love me or ask why I hadn't moved from the couch for 12 hours or hung out with any of my friends. My own grief is such a hindrance in and of itself, and it's only being prolonged by the lack of displayed care by those around me. And now the holidays are here, which means stressed parents and so many things to do in preparation and so little time in which to complete them. Then will quickly follow a brand new quarter and more loneliness and reclusive behavior.
Well, the last time this happened, which is two weeks shy of one year ago, I managed to find myself despite school-related responsibilities. Though my own thoughts regarding my studies are different, I need to trust that I will be able to accomplish it, once again. And this time, I have a couple extra resources and forms of support. I have been talking to my mom more often, I am seeing a therapist on a weekly basis (which has been helping a ton already), I am seeing a psychoanalyst, and I am taking fish oil regularly, which is a natural antidepressant and has been helping clarify my thoughts immensely.
I can do this. I just need to find the strength in my low times to remind myself.
And once I complete this major reconstruction, though I know it will never be truly finished, I will find someone and make a stronger, more sincere bond with them and embark upon a new relationship.
Realization 2: The only times I want to hurt myself is when I hurt other people.
The times in the past 6 months I have felt depressed were when I treated Christian like shit.
I abhorred my behavior so much that the knowledge of my mistreatment of him drove me into the depths of depression. I had not felt feelings so dark for years. I felt the need to punish myself for hurting the person I loved most.
Each time, I felt the necessity to change, but I was so consumed by the depression and emotional disturbance that I couldn't make progress. It was so alarming that I had to treat the symptoms before I could treat the problem. That's when I started seeing 3 experts: my therapist, my psychoanalyst, and my shrink (who told me in a visit just before break that he does not need to see me anymore--finally, progress!). A couple of times, I even considered checking myself into a hospital. I told Christian time and time again that we should end it, that I am treating him like shit and that he doesn't deserve it, and that I should focus on becoming healthy without dragging him down with me. The conversation happened probably ten times. He would never have it.
Eventually, I started making progress, but it was after the point at which our bond was severed, though the relationship had not yet been ended, so he did not see my progress. Communication was virtually nonexistent, and I have nothing but myself to blame for that, though I know that the blame of not discussing possible solutions/compromises lies upon him.
I tend to blame myself for everything; it's hard to cite a cause over which I have no control. But I'm doing my best work not to allow myself to do that. I am forcing myself to be logical and reasonably look back over these past 6 months and see what actions were taken and, piece by piece, assess the resulting damage.
I loved him deeply, and I still do, but I believe he made the best choice.
I believe ending this potentially-abusive relationship was the right thing to do.
I think, all along, I knew it would come to this.
And I hoped with all my heart that it wouldn't happen.
But I'm glad he put me in my place.
To Christian and everyone who has been affected by what I did, and to those caught in the middle, I am truly, inexplicably sorry.
And I don't expect to be forgiven.
Realization 3: I don't want an intellectual; I want someone who makes me feel alive.
I've seriously dated men on both sides of the spectrum, and I choose vivacity.
I know I'm high-strung, but I don't want to be bored. I don't want a work-related convention to be the most exciting thing that happens to me. I want to be pushed out of my comfort zone, to live.
I know it has the potential to frustrate me and will test my anxieties and fears, but I want to be pushed, because, simply, if you're never challenged, you'll never grow.
Realization 4: I don't want to be alone.
I need affection, be it from a person or a pet.
I need a lot of attention. I admit that. I need to be wanted and loved. I need to be cuddled.
I am very emotional, but I also know that simple, childish need, could be fulfilled by a furry little cat or dog.
I don't see the necessity of marriage, other than for tax purposes and wedding presents, but I would like to have someone for an extended period of time. I would love someone who is fun enough to convince me to actually retire and explore and misbehave together. I want someone with whom to grow old, so that the part of life which I fear the most isn't boring and pointless.
I know I don't need someone, but I would like to have someone.
Or at least a damn pet. I fucking love dogs and cats. Love them.
Realization 5: I need to feel needed.
I want not only to be loved, but to be an irreplaceable part of someone's life.
I'm not saying I want to be "everything" to them, or that I want them to say that they'd die without me, but I want them to believe that I, as an individual, emotional creature, supply a characteristic to their life which cannot be fulfilled by any other person.
And for them to tell me that.
Realization 6: I feel weak crying about my needs because I hate how weak I feel it is to be affected so profoundly by other people.
I don't cry in front of most people, especially not about the things that mean the most to me.
I feel like crying in itself is not a weakness, but due to my mood/emotional disorder, my emotions are so intense that they are uncontrollable, so I try to suppress them. Once I let them loose, I cannot control, stop, hinder, or act upon them in any substantial way. So I have come to only let myself truly express my complete emotions, without censorship, to certain people. My 'lyssa is currently the only person with whom I am completely unreserved. Christian was, up until a few weeks ago. JP was, up until about a year ago.
It takes complete trust. Because I know how weak I am when it comes to controlling myself once I let the tears pour and the emotions free.
And with complete trust comes the acknowledgement that they have the ability to hurt me in the deepest parts of my heart.
A 14-year-long friendship ending certainly did that.
And I hate that the main thing I feel-yet-never-reveal is that my relationships with others are what affect me the most profoundly. I feel like I should be an island, or at least have a god damn drawbridge, so I can retreat to the fortress of Me when I need some stability, but I don't have that. I feel like I'm not completely self-reliant. And to me, that is weakness.
Realization 7: My anxiety disorder has the most influence on my life.
I fear everything, and those fears control my life.
I suffer from a severe anxiety disorder, the treatment of which is the focus of my psychoanalyst.
He is training me to use meditation and relaxation techniques to treat the anxiety, and eventually we will hopefully progress to self-hypnosis.
My shrink wanted to give me a mild sedative to take when extremely anxious, but I saw that as only treating the symptoms, not the cause. Anyway, the anxiety is constant, and I am high-strung and hate taking any sort of medication, so I would never take the "as needed" medication, so there it would sit, unused.
This anxiety makes me a slave to schedules; planning and scheduling provide me with a feeling of security and stability--the "what ifs" are all accounted for and included as footnotes in the overall plan.
I need to have control.
It has driven away two very important people in my life.
It has destroyed two very important, serious relationships.
It was the one thing I should've fixed after things went sour with Ross.
I was a coward.
I am so intensely afraid of an impossible number of small things that they are included in every aspect of life and the absence of a plan or structure drives me insane, making me incapable of functioning. I am completely hung up on the little things that could go wrong. So I never do anything. I'm too careful.
As a result of the constant planning, I value efficiency over nearly everything else.
If it's not the most efficient way of doing things, it's wrong.
Especially when it comes down to money.
I am so careful with my money.
It's ridiculous.
This is the main focus of all my doctors, of all my personal energy.
I need to force myself to let go of structure.
I need to find security in myself and the knowledge that I will be able to overcome anything that is in my way, rather than fear it so much that I either make the fear a reality or not live at all.
That's what happened. I was so afraid of losing him that I smothered him.
Realization 8: I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
I am just going through the motions.
I knew that once Christian and I broke up that this would come to the forefront.
I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
I have no objectives.
I have no goals.
I used to want to be an Arabic Interpreter for the United Nations.
Spending my summer in Lebanon showed me that I don't have an ear for Arabic.
I have an eye for it. I love the grammar and the literary intricacies, but not an ear.
So there goes that.
I had been planning--and looking forward to--going to grad school, perhaps through PhD.
Now, I have no desire to do so.
I'm keeping my mind open to it as an option, but I have no idea what I want to do after undergrad.
I don't know if I should even keep my majors.
I can't think of a single career which I would like to do.
But everything else I enjoy studying also yields a career which does not particularly interest me.
My Arabic advisor told me that, at my level of Arabic, it's normal to have a major/career panic.
Hopefully that's all this is.
In all honesty, I don't even want to be in college right now.
I feel like I have so little direction that it's just a waste of time.
But I don't have much time before it's too late to change my major, if that's something I want to do again. (I just changed my second major from International Studies to Political Science, due to the amazing Poli Sci department and outstanding faculty)
And my scholarship is only good for 12 quarters, that is 4 years minus summers. And if I take time off, I will lose it.
I can't persuade myself to get out of bed most days.
Not even for class anymore.
The only thing that gets me off my ass is work, because then I know I'll do something useful and make a little money as well.
I guess that's why I'm constantly searching for jobs and already have 2.
Productivity in someone else's life is enough to keep me functioning in mine for now.
Realization 9: I hate that my emotions are irrational and completely out of my control.
I feel things that don't make sense, but I can't use my logic to stop them from occurring.
My emotions are stupid. They don't line up with logic. I can feel something and say "Hey, this doesn't make sense."
For example, some days I'll just feel depressed as shit. I stop and say to myself, "Emily, what the fuck? Why are you down? It's a beautiful day, it's true nothing spectacular has happened, yet nothing bad has happened, either." But the logic doesn't change the fact that I'm depressed that day. The next day could be completely different.
And the mood swings. Fuck, man. Those have definitely decreased since the antidepressant qualities of the fish oil have started working, but they do still happen sometimes.
I consider that a major improvement.
My moods have stabilized, but my emotions still trend at the irrational side.
So I guess my next step is to learn how to respond to these illogical feelings.
Progress. Finally.
Hope.
Realization 10: I am torn between wanting to see people as pawns or as a valuable part of life.
Especially in times like these, I want to become emotionally cold, a shell of a soul.
I struggle with the natural inclination to never feel pain again.
My anxiety heightens it, to the point where I just want to be the embodiment of bitterness.
Since people are bound to let you down, I struggle with the idea of wanting people and my relationships with them to be an integral part of my life or to use people as pawns to get done what needs to be done and nothing else.
I fear pain, though I know, when faced with it, I have resources and means with which to overcome it.
But the fear is so greatly intensified that I fear the fear.
And every time someone lets me down, I feel betrayed, I feel that they were dishonest, though I know that logically, nobody is perfect, and that they weren't necessarily dishonest or untrue--it's just how I feel about it.
That is just one of my many irrational emotions.
Realization 11: One's identity is determined by one's most important relationships.
A relationship is part of your life, not an event within it.
People always warn others not to define themselves by their relationships.
I believe that is absolute bullshit.
By the act of being in a relationship, you are making it part of your definition as a person, or at least you should be.
A true relationship should be a part of your daily life. In thought, if not in action.
The way you think, the way you behave, the things you think about, they are different depending upon your current relationships, if they are true, sincere, and mature, even despite a lack of physical or communicative contact.
If it's not, then you are not ready for a serious relationship.
I think that's why breakups hurt me so badly. I have to completely adjust my way of life. Things I had associated with the now-ex-boyfriend must be psychically disassociated so that I can live. I have to completely change everything. I can't just think about him anymore, because it is now painful rather than a joy. It has become a wound.
I'm not looking for a husband. I don't care about that. I give my complete devotion and loyalty to each and every relationship, because though it may not be a part of the rest of my life, it is a part of my life at that point in time. That's why it breaks me so completely. It's not a dependency, it's a devotion. Each broken relationship is the death of intimacy. And intimacy is the single thing in the world which I both love and desire the most.
Personally, I think that was the problem.
I don't think he was really ready.
But some day, I will find someone who is.
Realization 12: I believe relationships are meant to end. REVISION: Or at the very least, not be easy.
You only grow through trials.
I don't really know that I buy the "till death do us part" romanticism.
I feel like you need multiple life partners to be able to grow, otherwise you risk becoming too comfortable and stopping growth altogether.
Though I guess I do suppose that problems within the relationship could take the place of a complete change in relationship.
The jury's still out on that one. Just a thought I had while talking to Alyssa on the phone.
Anyway...
Pain is the best motivator.
If you don't believe me or need proof, think about your own experiences.
Without the bad, the good does not exist, cannot be appreciated.
Realization 13: I am going through an identity crisis.
I feel like I'm not sure who I am, who I even want to be.
I'm sure my personal insecurities have made themselves painstakingly evident throughout this lengthy post, so I will not dawdle.
I believe that my lack of current life objective lends itself as a cause to this.
I feel compelled to change my hair color, style, makeup, similar to Clementine from Michel Gondry's masterpiece film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, thus the fruity nickname of mine, but I know that it will render itself useless.
Obviously, an outward change in image doesn't impose a similar change of a sincere, personal nature.
The only thing I like about myself is my body. I fucking love my body. But that's the least important aspect of me.
I need to find out who I am.
Then I will be beautiful and happy again.
Thank you for reading. I appreciate your devotion in that you completed reading this whole post.
-Emily
