All At Once, As Always

It's been my experience in life that everything goes wrong at once.

But I've never had things in so many different aspects of my life go wrong at once.
I'm used to one aspect totally falling apart, but not everything. I'm having trouble figuring out how to cope.

Of course it's never pleasant when things go wrong. I know this. I understand this. But that doesn't make it any easier.

I'm struggling.

I need all the hugs.

Drowning in Emotion

Over the past few days, my emotions have been going haywire.
Mood stabilization feels like a myth to me, as it always has. But the past week has been more intense.

Although it has been primarily negative emotions, there have been some positive ones. I've tried to hold onto those. Though hope is really hard for me. Because, life.


I've been extremely lonely lately. Extremely.

It seems for me, the only way to truly eradicate it is through meaningful physical presence. Not just presence, meaningful presence. That's fucking hard. Oftentimes, the presence of a person who is meaningful to me overall does not mean that particular presence is meaningful. So I'm lonely despite presence.

But still, physical presence is better than absence.
Unfortunately, there is not much presence here.

What about virtual presence? The problem with that is its lack of stability.

The thing with physical presence is that I know they're here. Because I can see them. I don't have to wonder if they are going to respond to my text within an hour. I don't have to wonder if they'll reply to my email today, or if they'll get around to it tomorrow.

The closest thing I can get to physical presence via non-physical means is through phone calls. For two reasons: 1) because I have the stability of knowing they are on the other end and 2) I can hear their voice. That's very important for me, as far as trust is concerned. And so I can gauge how disruptive I'm being through tone and syntax. It helps alleviate the guilt of taking up someone's time or upsetting them because they don't have the answers (which I rarely expect, by the way).

Fewer people use their phone for vocal communication, now. And fewer people would I trust enough to let them hear me blubber and sob on the other end.


I've been discovering, lately, that what I really want is a companion. Someone who treats me like I treat them. Someone who values our friendship and would drop everything if I needed them. I do that for my friends. But I don't often see it reciprocated. I have few close friends because I expect myself to live up to these expectations, as well.

Human beings are far from perfect. I understand that, and I accept imperfections, even if it hurts.

But I think I do it too much. I end up getting walked all over.
Friends contact me when they need me. I drop everything to help.
Then when I need them, they're mysteriously unresponsive.

I give too much.
But sometimes when I give, that's the only time I experience physical presence.
To me, it's worth a shot to not be lonely for an hour or two. Even if I will spend the whole next day crying.


So being alone at home most of the time has been nice, because I got to do things I've wanted to do. Lots of crafting, catching up on TV shows, reading.
But it's also been terrible. I feel useless. I spend far too much time in my own head.
It has reached the point where even the TV shows I watch for fun are making me incredibly sad and compounding the loneliness.

It's painful to notice that happening.
It's painful to watch the things that gave you joy slowly become emotionally torturous.
It's painful to drown.

Death

A lot of people are afraid to die. It's only natural.
Most people ask: "Will it hurt? What happens after you die?"

I ask: "Will I be alone when I die?"

2 Days

Lots of writing tonight.
Feeling crazy.

Missing everything.
Hating JP.
Missing JP.
Sick.

PMS

I'm sure none of you are unfamiliar with PMS.
It's either when you feel all crabby and bitchy and cry at fucking everything and hate everything (not excusively but particularly your uterus) or when your female friend is much more weepy or angry or anxious than usual.

Hello, my friends. My name is Emily. I have a uterus. Thus I have PMS.

Today, it hit me.
The PMS.
The anger.
The anxiety.
The illogical thinking which I recognize yet cannot, for some reason, discredit.
The depression.
The need for fuzzy animals.
The need for affection. A hug. A smile. A text. Anything.
The need for appreciation. To know that I am loved and valued.
The crabbiness.
The outlook. The bleakness of every situation running rampant in my head.
The little things that piss me the fuck off.
The littler things that throw me into tears.

The week and a half before my period is always hellish.
I am overanalyzing everything, even things that I had promised myself I would not analyze, things which I had labeled "go with the flow."
I am dejected and have an overly-active sense of observation.
I am paying far too much attention to the little details. As if I didn't already do that enough.
I am extraordinarily indecisive.
I am wanting nothing else but to curl up in a little ball of literature, music, and art, but also feeling the need for human interaction.
I am altogether restless yet incredibly bored.
I am a living, breathing, walking contradiction.
I am insane.

PMS is the small-scale simulation of my anxiety-driven depression.
And this post is a small-scale, hope-this-makes-me-feel-better, freak-out.

Every little thing. It all affects me today. I'm usually stronger than this. But these fucking hormones have taken it upon themselves to amplify every negative emotion, everything I feel.

I feel like I need a friend, yet I can't get myself to believe that I deserve to have them.
I feel like I need affection, but I cannot rationalize to myself how I could ever be liked and tolerated for any extended period of time.
I feel like I am not me and that this is just some fucked up version of myself, but then I wonder if it's actually the real me, the true me, the things that I feel and fear but suppress (though I do so for my own good).
I feel like there is altogether so much to do but it cannot all be accomplished, so what good is it if it is not done? Not quite all is equivalent to nothing. So what's the point of trying?
I feel like I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. I find everything shallow. Each and every external stimulus in my life makes me only happy for an instant, only as an outside actor; nothing inside me ever changes, nor am I finding that which makes me internally happy.
I don't understand the point of trying if I know that there is no path to happiness which I do not consider shallow, pretentious, external.
I fear rejection. And that's not normal. I don't usually care about it. Or perhaps it's the solution to the problem.

I keep telling myself that all these things I'm thinking, all these things I'm fearing, come and go. And just keep hoping that they will leave again.

Every time. I tell myself. I've been through each of these situations before. And yeah, it hurt like balls, but I got through it, and I'm happy with whom I am now. So why should I allow my fear of certain situations reoccurring bother me? I got through it once, twice, thrice, I can get through it again.

Today, it's just not working.
Today, I am in pieces.

"Stop now before it's too late.
You're eating in the ghetto on a hundred dollar plate.
Nothing lasts forever -- that's the way it's gotta be
There's a great black wave in the middle of the sea."

13 Realizations and Self-Discovery, or the Lack Thereof

I am going to reveal myself publicly, so I have no choice but to own up to it and move forward.

And this post took me over 2 hours to write and went through many revisions, so please, if you choose to read it, take it seriously.

So, it's been a difficult couple of days.

I've finally calmed down and recovered enough from the breakup to be able to progress on my own problems.

Er... Not so much progress, but identify.

Ever since the breakup, I've felt so insecure.

It's so strange, since I feel so much better about myself when I'm not in a relationship. That's how I end up in another.

Then it ends up tearing me down. Somehow.

In all honesty, I hate sharing things about myself. But I also feel like it's a necessity. I hide too much. Yes, I'm open and loud and opinionated about lots of things, like sex, my disdain of organized religion, how my family doesn't provide what I need to be emotionally healthy, but nothing like this. So please understand that this isn't easy, and I'm doing this more for myself than for any of you, my few readers.

My 14 Realizations

Realization 1: I'm truly me when I'm single.

Each breakup leads to a time of reflection and self-[re-]discovery.

For example, I met Christian about 5 months after an extremely painful breakup last year, one which I have characterized as a betrayal of the most intimate kind, after which I used my location of Rock Bottom to build myself up again, completely explicating my thoughts and reconstructing myself as the woman I wanted to be. No thought was left unexplored, and I worked hard to improve upon my faults, though I [regrettably] did not fix the most prominent flaw I possessed, and was completely comfortable in my shoes and proud of who I was when I met him, and he was in a similar comfortability with himself. That is why we got along, why we felt such an intense connection, why we decided to brave the constant distance. I had never met anyone with whom I felt a truly spiritual connection upon first meeting. And I regret, more than anything, that I allowed myself and my anxieties to sever that bond and drive him away.

For me, my relationships with other people, not exclusively those of a romantic nature, are my source of joy in life. I find that closeness and intimacy are the most beautiful things in existence, but betrayal/loss of such causes the most pain, psychically, and that is the pain which cuts your soul to the quick. People are virtually guaranteed to let you down, due to their precocious emotional nature and lack of divine qualities, thus pain, in some capacity, is the single thing that can be ensured from such a relationship.

It is through the reflection of the relationship, the horribly painful recollection of good and bad times which plagues the broken-hearted, that I grow. After each ended relationship, I see my mistakes, see what their effects were, and choose the most destructive behaviors and do my damnedest to correct them. Not because I want to get said boyfriend back, not because I want to be "more desirable" for another relationship, but because they are behaviors which are prevalent--and cause harm--in each and every aspect of my life.

I am in no way saying this is easy, and that I don't occasionally entertain the thought Hey, maybe he'll see that I've changed and want me back. Honestly, I have no idea if I would even want to try again with him, for various reasons. But it doesn't mean that I don't want more than anything, at times, to call him and hear his voice. The desire to speak to him is so strong at times that I have to call Alyssa or hide my phone battery (and give my mom or sister the home phone so I don't use that, since I have the damn number memorized). At those low points, during those desires to pursue any hope of a restoration of that original bond, I wonder if he thinks about how hard it is for me to not contact him, my inability of which being such a huge problem during our relationship. It has been over two weeks since I have heard from him at all. I don't know if I ever will. And it absolutely kills me. But I know he needs his space. And I respect him.

This process of repairing myself is often daunted by circumstances. First it was final exams, then it was my family's inability to display any bit of sympathy, empathy, desire to help. That first weekend, the one before exams, my mother was a great help, but now it's as if she's telling me "Oh, get over it already." The most sincere feelings are those that continue; they don't seem to understand that I'm still hurting and to fucking give me a hug every god damn once in awhile or tell me they love me or ask why I hadn't moved from the couch for 12 hours or hung out with any of my friends. My own grief is such a hindrance in and of itself, and it's only being prolonged by the lack of displayed care by those around me. And now the holidays are here, which means stressed parents and so many things to do in preparation and so little time in which to complete them. Then will quickly follow a brand new quarter and more loneliness and reclusive behavior.

Well, the last time this happened, which is two weeks shy of one year ago, I managed to find myself despite school-related responsibilities. Though my own thoughts regarding my studies are different, I need to trust that I will be able to accomplish it, once again. And this time, I have a couple extra resources and forms of support. I have been talking to my mom more often, I am seeing a therapist on a weekly basis (which has been helping a ton already), I am seeing a psychoanalyst, and I am taking fish oil regularly, which is a natural antidepressant and has been helping clarify my thoughts immensely.

I can do this. I just need to find the strength in my low times to remind myself.

And once I complete this major reconstruction, though I know it will never be truly finished, I will find someone and make a stronger, more sincere bond with them and embark upon a new relationship.

Realization 2: The only times I want to hurt myself is when I hurt other people.

The times in the past 6 months I have felt depressed were when I treated Christian like shit.

I abhorred my behavior so much that the knowledge of my mistreatment of him drove me into the depths of depression. I had not felt feelings so dark for years. I felt the need to punish myself for hurting the person I loved most.

Each time, I felt the necessity to change, but I was so consumed by the depression and emotional disturbance that I couldn't make progress. It was so alarming that I had to treat the symptoms before I could treat the problem. That's when I started seeing 3 experts: my therapist, my psychoanalyst, and my shrink (who told me in a visit just before break that he does not need to see me anymore--finally, progress!). A couple of times, I even considered checking myself into a hospital. I told Christian time and time again that we should end it, that I am treating him like shit and that he doesn't deserve it, and that I should focus on becoming healthy without dragging him down with me. The conversation happened probably ten times. He would never have it.

Eventually, I started making progress, but it was after the point at which our bond was severed, though the relationship had not yet been ended, so he did not see my progress. Communication was virtually nonexistent, and I have nothing but myself to blame for that, though I know that the blame of not discussing possible solutions/compromises lies upon him.

I tend to blame myself for everything; it's hard to cite a cause over which I have no control. But I'm doing my best work not to allow myself to do that. I am forcing myself to be logical and reasonably look back over these past 6 months and see what actions were taken and, piece by piece, assess the resulting damage.

I loved him deeply, and I still do, but I believe he made the best choice.

I believe ending this potentially-abusive relationship was the right thing to do.

I think, all along, I knew it would come to this.

And I hoped with all my heart that it wouldn't happen.

But I'm glad he put me in my place.

To Christian and everyone who has been affected by what I did, and to those caught in the middle, I am truly, inexplicably sorry.

And I don't expect to be forgiven.

Realization 3: I don't want an intellectual; I want someone who makes me feel alive.

I've seriously dated men on both sides of the spectrum, and I choose vivacity.

I know I'm high-strung, but I don't want to be bored. I don't want a work-related convention to be the most exciting thing that happens to me. I want to be pushed out of my comfort zone, to live.

I know it has the potential to frustrate me and will test my anxieties and fears, but I want to be pushed, because, simply, if you're never challenged, you'll never grow.

Realization 4: I don't want to be alone.

I need affection, be it from a person or a pet.

I need a lot of attention. I admit that. I need to be wanted and loved. I need to be cuddled.

I am very emotional, but I also know that simple, childish need, could be fulfilled by a furry little cat or dog.

I don't see the necessity of marriage, other than for tax purposes and wedding presents, but I would like to have someone for an extended period of time. I would love someone who is fun enough to convince me to actually retire and explore and misbehave together. I want someone with whom to grow old, so that the part of life which I fear the most isn't boring and pointless.

I know I don't need someone, but I would like to have someone.

Or at least a damn pet. I fucking love dogs and cats. Love them.

Realization 5: I need to feel needed.

I want not only to be loved, but to be an irreplaceable part of someone's life.

I'm not saying I want to be "everything" to them, or that I want them to say that they'd die without me, but I want them to believe that I, as an individual, emotional creature, supply a characteristic to their life which cannot be fulfilled by any other person.

And for them to tell me that.

Realization 6: I feel weak crying about my needs because I hate how weak I feel it is to be affected so profoundly by other people.

I don't cry in front of most people, especially not about the things that mean the most to me.

I feel like crying in itself is not a weakness, but due to my mood/emotional disorder, my emotions are so intense that they are uncontrollable, so I try to suppress them. Once I let them loose, I cannot control, stop, hinder, or act upon them in any substantial way. So I have come to only let myself truly express my complete emotions, without censorship, to certain people. My 'lyssa is currently the only person with whom I am completely unreserved. Christian was, up until a few weeks ago. JP was, up until about a year ago.

It takes complete trust. Because I know how weak I am when it comes to controlling myself once I let the tears pour and the emotions free.

And with complete trust comes the acknowledgement that they have the ability to hurt me in the deepest parts of my heart.

A 14-year-long friendship ending certainly did that.

And I hate that the main thing I feel-yet-never-reveal is that my relationships with others are what affect me the most profoundly. I feel like I should be an island, or at least have a god damn drawbridge, so I can retreat to the fortress of Me when I need some stability, but I don't have that. I feel like I'm not completely self-reliant. And to me, that is weakness.

Realization 7: My anxiety disorder has the most influence on my life.

I fear everything, and those fears control my life.

I suffer from a severe anxiety disorder, the treatment of which is the focus of my psychoanalyst.

He is training me to use meditation and relaxation techniques to treat the anxiety, and eventually we will hopefully progress to self-hypnosis.

My shrink wanted to give me a mild sedative to take when extremely anxious, but I saw that as only treating the symptoms, not the cause. Anyway, the anxiety is constant, and I am high-strung and hate taking any sort of medication, so I would never take the "as needed" medication, so there it would sit, unused.

This anxiety makes me a slave to schedules; planning and scheduling provide me with a feeling of security and stability--the "what ifs" are all accounted for and included as footnotes in the overall plan.

I need to have control.

It has driven away two very important people in my life.

It has destroyed two very important, serious relationships.

It was the one thing I should've fixed after things went sour with Ross.

I was a coward.

I am so intensely afraid of an impossible number of small things that they are included in every aspect of life and the absence of a plan or structure drives me insane, making me incapable of functioning. I am completely hung up on the little things that could go wrong. So I never do anything. I'm too careful.

As a result of the constant planning, I value efficiency over nearly everything else.

If it's not the most efficient way of doing things, it's wrong.

Especially when it comes down to money.

I am so careful with my money.

It's ridiculous.

This is the main focus of all my doctors, of all my personal energy.

I need to force myself to let go of structure.

I need to find security in myself and the knowledge that I will be able to overcome anything that is in my way, rather than fear it so much that I either make the fear a reality or not live at all.

That's what happened. I was so afraid of losing him that I smothered him.

Realization 8: I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

I am just going through the motions.

I knew that once Christian and I broke up that this would come to the forefront.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

I have no objectives.

I have no goals.

I used to want to be an Arabic Interpreter for the United Nations.

Spending my summer in Lebanon showed me that I don't have an ear for Arabic.

I have an eye for it. I love the grammar and the literary intricacies, but not an ear.

So there goes that.

I had been planning--and looking forward to--going to grad school, perhaps through PhD.

Now, I have no desire to do so.

I'm keeping my mind open to it as an option, but I have no idea what I want to do after undergrad.

I don't know if I should even keep my majors.

I can't think of a single career which I would like to do.

But everything else I enjoy studying also yields a career which does not particularly interest me.

My Arabic advisor told me that, at my level of Arabic, it's normal to have a major/career panic.

Hopefully that's all this is.

In all honesty, I don't even want to be in college right now.

I feel like I have so little direction that it's just a waste of time.

But I don't have much time before it's too late to change my major, if that's something I want to do again. (I just changed my second major from International Studies to Political Science, due to the amazing Poli Sci department and outstanding faculty)

And my scholarship is only good for 12 quarters, that is 4 years minus summers. And if I take time off, I will lose it.

I can't persuade myself to get out of bed most days.

Not even for class anymore.

The only thing that gets me off my ass is work, because then I know I'll do something useful and make a little money as well.

I guess that's why I'm constantly searching for jobs and already have 2.

Productivity in someone else's life is enough to keep me functioning in mine for now.

Realization 9: I hate that my emotions are irrational and completely out of my control.

I feel things that don't make sense, but I can't use my logic to stop them from occurring.

My emotions are stupid. They don't line up with logic. I can feel something and say "Hey, this doesn't make sense."

For example, some days I'll just feel depressed as shit. I stop and say to myself, "Emily, what the fuck? Why are you down? It's a beautiful day, it's true nothing spectacular has happened, yet nothing bad has happened, either." But the logic doesn't change the fact that I'm depressed that day. The next day could be completely different.

And the mood swings. Fuck, man. Those have definitely decreased since the antidepressant qualities of the fish oil have started working, but they do still happen sometimes.

I consider that a major improvement.

My moods have stabilized, but my emotions still trend at the irrational side.

So I guess my next step is to learn how to respond to these illogical feelings.

Progress. Finally.

Hope.

Realization 10: I am torn between wanting to see people as pawns or as a valuable part of life.

Especially in times like these, I want to become emotionally cold, a shell of a soul.

I struggle with the natural inclination to never feel pain again.

My anxiety heightens it, to the point where I just want to be the embodiment of bitterness.

Since people are bound to let you down, I struggle with the idea of wanting people and my relationships with them to be an integral part of my life or to use people as pawns to get done what needs to be done and nothing else.

I fear pain, though I know, when faced with it, I have resources and means with which to overcome it.

But the fear is so greatly intensified that I fear the fear.

And every time someone lets me down, I feel betrayed, I feel that they were dishonest, though I know that logically, nobody is perfect, and that they weren't necessarily dishonest or untrue--it's just how I feel about it.

That is just one of my many irrational emotions.

Realization 11: One's identity is determined by one's most important relationships.

A relationship is part of your life, not an event within it.

People always warn others not to define themselves by their relationships.

I believe that is absolute bullshit.

By the act of being in a relationship, you are making it part of your definition as a person, or at least you should be.

A true relationship should be a part of your daily life. In thought, if not in action.

The way you think, the way you behave, the things you think about, they are different depending upon your current relationships, if they are true, sincere, and mature, even despite a lack of physical or communicative contact.

If it's not, then you are not ready for a serious relationship.

I think that's why breakups hurt me so badly. I have to completely adjust my way of life. Things I had associated with the now-ex-boyfriend must be psychically disassociated so that I can live. I have to completely change everything. I can't just think about him anymore, because it is now painful rather than a joy. It has become a wound.

I'm not looking for a husband. I don't care about that. I give my complete devotion and loyalty to each and every relationship, because though it may not be a part of the rest of my life, it is a part of my life at that point in time. That's why it breaks me so completely. It's not a dependency, it's a devotion. Each broken relationship is the death of intimacy. And intimacy is the single thing in the world which I both love and desire the most.

Personally, I think that was the problem.

I don't think he was really ready.

But some day, I will find someone who is.

Realization 12: I believe relationships are meant to end. REVISION: Or at the very least, not be easy.

You only grow through trials.

I don't really know that I buy the "till death do us part" romanticism.

I feel like you need multiple life partners to be able to grow, otherwise you risk becoming too comfortable and stopping growth altogether.

Though I guess I do suppose that problems within the relationship could take the place of a complete change in relationship.

The jury's still out on that one. Just a thought I had while talking to Alyssa on the phone.

Anyway...

Pain is the best motivator.

If you don't believe me or need proof, think about your own experiences.

Without the bad, the good does not exist, cannot be appreciated.

Realization 13: I am going through an identity crisis.

I feel like I'm not sure who I am, who I even want to be.

I'm sure my personal insecurities have made themselves painstakingly evident throughout this lengthy post, so I will not dawdle.

I believe that my lack of current life objective lends itself as a cause to this.

I feel compelled to change my hair color, style, makeup, similar to Clementine from Michel Gondry's masterpiece film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, thus the fruity nickname of mine, but I know that it will render itself useless.

Obviously, an outward change in image doesn't impose a similar change of a sincere, personal nature.

The only thing I like about myself is my body. I fucking love my body. But that's the least important aspect of me.

I need to find out who I am.

Then I will be beautiful and happy again.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate your devotion in that you completed reading this whole post.

-Emily

I. Simply. Need.

Shit, man.
Once again, what a great day, and what a fucking awful night.
I don't understand why this happens.

Anyway, I was talking to someone today, and I realized that one of the main reasons I feel so good when I'm talking to them or with them is because I get two of the main things I need: affection and being needed.

I've come to discover that those are really two things I yearn for.


Affection is huge, mainly because of shit with Ross and how he fucked me over, because now I have trust issues and need the constant affection (not necessarily physical--saying sweet things are just as important, if not more so) to help the high-maintenance, anxious, worried part of me. To reassure me that they do care about me and that they truly want to be in a relationship with me.

The other things is feeling needed. I need to be needed. I feel like, there is no point to waste my time with someone if they could be completely happy without me the second I'm gone. What, then, is my role in their life? And am I even an integral part of it? I don't [usually] get attached to people quickly, but when I do, I feel like they are a huge part of my life and that I need them, in some way or another. I'm not saying I wouldn't be able to survive or be happy without them, I'm just saying that I'm happier when they're in my life and if they were to suddenly leave, I would take it hard and have to rearrange myself. It would be an adjustment as to how I live my life and to whom I go with different things, not two or three days of being depressed and that's it. I need to be needed. I need to be an important, significant, wanted individual in someone's life. I need to be a part of it. I need people so much that I feel like I'm being a burden or not really wanted until the need is reciprocated in some way.

I feel like I'm not getting either of them right now, which is odd because I'm in a relationship at the moment.

I don't understand. Yes, I believe it's a good relationship, but I'm feeling like I'm not getting everything I need most of the time. Some of the things are those which I got before but have not been getting since school started, and the others are things I just now realized. I really don't know. I don't know what to do about all of this. We talk and he says he's willing to try, but I constantly feel like no progress is being made.

I simply. Need.
I am so fucking needy. And I hate that about myself.
It's absolutely retarded.

I need to talk about this stuff, but there isn't time.
He doesn't have time for me.
He doesn't know how to organize his time.
So I'm always stuck at the bottom, right along with his homework.
Euchre is apparently top priority.

I need someone to be there when I need to talk.
I'm tired of never having anyone.
I swear I'm always searching for someone to lean on.
But I don't trust easily.
And few people are truly available to take that place in my life.

Losing my best friend took that one person away from me.
Now I don't have that person to help me.
The one to whom I can tell everything.
The one who will always have time for me.
I don't have that friend who will drop everything to help me anymore.
I feel completely alone all the time.

I'm so tired of this. I hate feeling alone in everything.
I really need someone who's reliable, who can provide me with the affection I need, and actively see me as part of their life, to need me, too.

I need to be needed, I need to feel loved.
I need. I simply. Need.

Thanksgiving's Eve

I don't know.
(I seem to start a lot of my posts out with that. Perhaps because it's constantly how I start out my thoughts.)

I was really excited to be coming home for Thanksgiving break and a nice long weekend, but now that I'm here, I don't want to be.
I don't know why I feel so awful.
I don't understand.

The day was a waste. I mean, work was good, since I got like... $20 more dollars for the week. But one of my classes was cancelled, which was a smart move because no one's gonna show up anyway, and my other teacher was like "Yeah, I teach at another school that is closed on Wednesday, but I'm gonna have class anyway because I want to, even though I have nothing to say." So, being the asshole that I am, I couldn't allow myself to skip class, and went. It was pointless. Just him rambling on LIKE HE ALWAYS FUCKING DOES and costing me an hour of my time AND CHANGING THE ENTIRE FORMAT OF THE CONTENT OF A 10-PAGE PROJECT DUE MONDAY WHICH I HAD COMPLETED LAST WEEK. Fuck that! He's getting what I've already done. I'm not about to re-write it! If it wasn't for that class, Molly and I would've gone home last night (she had no classes today). I was so frustrated.

The drive north was awful. The traffic was so bad as soon as we got onto the highway that it took us an HOUR to go 10 MILES. It was awful. Eventually it calmed down and we got home in a nice 3 hours, about 45 minutes longer than it should've taken us. But oh well. We're back safely, and Molly's spending Thanksgiving with us. (My supervisor at my library job, a former professor of mine, actually asked me to stay with her and her family for Thanksgiving Break. She is seriously the cutest little Egyptian woman I've ever met!)

Once we got back, we ate dinner, then Molly, my sissy, her boyfriend, and I went to the mall! AND MOST OF THE BLACK FRIDAY SALES WERE OUT ALREADY! So I got myself a couple pairs of $2 leggings and a $3 ear cuff and a $1 mini-skirt (yes, a MINI-SKIRT! And YES, $1!!) and a pair of $4 bright purple skinny jeans! It was a good night!

Then we got home and watched the first 4 episodes of Season 1 of Big Bang Theory with my family. It was very fun.

But now... I feel sad. Really down. I don't entirely know why. I'm just... I have no idea. I can only speculate.
Perhaps it's because I know this isn't really an extended break and that I have shit I need to do and that I still have to wait two weeks for my real repose.
Perhaps it's because Christian was supposed to call tonight and he didn't. I mean, it's still early according to his clock, and perhaps he ended up getting shafted and having to work tonight, in which case he's showering and getting ready for bed, but who knows.
Perhaps because being in this room really kills me. It makes me want to reminisce, but it also kills me when I think about or actually start doing it. I realized last time that every single item which decorates my walls holds some sort of extremely painful memory, most of which involves a certain very close childhood friend of mine.
Perhaps it's because I didn't bring my journal (or my guitar), so I have no outlet while I'm here.
Perhaps it's because I'm seeing my grandparents tomorrow, and seeing my grandfather is always so wonderful, but continuously startles me with morality. And makes me wonder if he'll be here for our next holiday.
Perhaps it's because I'm simply feeling emotional.
Or perhaps I'm just tired.

I always feel like I want to regress when I'm home. I feel like I don't want to leave this room, which, though it has brought me to so many trials, it is also a symbol of stability. It's always here, even when I'm not, and nearly exactly as I left it.

I really don't know.
I never do.
I hate it.

Breakable

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?

Things today have literally fallen to pieces.

Almost couldn't get myself out of bed to go to work.

Horrible things occurred while at work.

I'm left terrified and fearing a repeat of before.

And utterly dejected.

Fuck this.

We are breakable girls and boys.

Ingrid Michaelson

Cease to Begin

School's been on for a few weeks now.

Arabic is kicking my ass.

My other two classes are.... I have no fucking idea.

The new library is pretty, though.

A lot of depression.

A lot of mood swings.

A lot of cigarettes.

And now a lot of alcohol.

I thought I was done with that.

I though I'd learned my lesson.

Turns out, when shit doesn't get fixed, it gets worse.

Nothing actually resolves itself.

I feel like nothing ever gets resolved unless I do it myself.

That's how I feel right now.

That's why I'm so sad.

That's why I feel like it's falling apart.

I want to trust, but nothing gets done.

I can't handle nothing getting done.

I need more than that.

I don't know.

Band of Horses.

Cease to Begin.

Unstable Day

Today is one of those days, one of those days where I'm sad and upset for no reason whatsoever.

Today is one of those days that I hope to see lessen in number once I get some help.

I woke up a little crabbier than normal, which I suppose might've been an indication that it wasn't a good day, but I never let that bug me. I'm very much so not a morning person.

In class, I was extremely sad. Didn't know why. Very not content, and for me, contentedness is what I strive for. I kept going, hoping it was just the morning and that it would go away, but it didn't.

The more and more I sat in class, the more and more I thought, the more and more upset I became. I am on emotional overload. I keep thinking about everything, all at once. And I can't get any of it out of my mind. So I've had a drink in my hand since 3pm.

This happens all the time, for no apparent reason. I'm always trying to see if there was something that acted as a catalyst. Perhaps because I got to talk to Christian yesterday and had a wonderful conversation, made some plans, got excited about the future? Perhaps because I spoke to my mother and got permission to visit him in PA? Perhaps because I got to talk to my sissy? I have absolutely no idea. Those are the only things that differed from my norm, here.

Even last night, though, I should've seen it coming.

The freak out.

The one that caused me to call Christian for the second time that day, completely panicked and worried.

The one that had me talking to my friend Amanda online, asking all these questions about careers that I could use my Arabic major towards.

That one.

This instability, these emotional mood swings become more and more debilitating.

I've learned to push myself through them and to be as productive as possible during them, but they are still the most physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting things that I have ever had to deal with and are persistant. I have been dealing with this for years and am quickly approaching my breaking point.

Once I'm back in Columbus in September, everything will start to even out.

I will be going to the psychiatrist.

I will be continuing with my counselor.

I will hopefully be started on some meds because I'm convinced that this is a chemical imbalance. I've already done everything in my power to combat it within my own mind, and failed. It took me 7 years to reach the point where I admit that I can't do this myself and really need meds, even if just at the beginning. I am very much so looking forward to being rid of this curse.

But today, I am not.

It's not even 5pm.

I'm on my second drink.

Things are not going well.

Just thinking...

Sometimes I miss you so much it kills me.

I wish I knew what had happened.

I wish I knew what I did.

Or somehow make amends.

I feel like all those years have been wasted.

And all that comes from them is pain.