I. Simply. Need.

Shit, man.
Once again, what a great day, and what a fucking awful night.
I don't understand why this happens.

Anyway, I was talking to someone today, and I realized that one of the main reasons I feel so good when I'm talking to them or with them is because I get two of the main things I need: affection and being needed.

I've come to discover that those are really two things I yearn for.


Affection is huge, mainly because of shit with Ross and how he fucked me over, because now I have trust issues and need the constant affection (not necessarily physical--saying sweet things are just as important, if not more so) to help the high-maintenance, anxious, worried part of me. To reassure me that they do care about me and that they truly want to be in a relationship with me.

The other things is feeling needed. I need to be needed. I feel like, there is no point to waste my time with someone if they could be completely happy without me the second I'm gone. What, then, is my role in their life? And am I even an integral part of it? I don't [usually] get attached to people quickly, but when I do, I feel like they are a huge part of my life and that I need them, in some way or another. I'm not saying I wouldn't be able to survive or be happy without them, I'm just saying that I'm happier when they're in my life and if they were to suddenly leave, I would take it hard and have to rearrange myself. It would be an adjustment as to how I live my life and to whom I go with different things, not two or three days of being depressed and that's it. I need to be needed. I need to be an important, significant, wanted individual in someone's life. I need to be a part of it. I need people so much that I feel like I'm being a burden or not really wanted until the need is reciprocated in some way.

I feel like I'm not getting either of them right now, which is odd because I'm in a relationship at the moment.

I don't understand. Yes, I believe it's a good relationship, but I'm feeling like I'm not getting everything I need most of the time. Some of the things are those which I got before but have not been getting since school started, and the others are things I just now realized. I really don't know. I don't know what to do about all of this. We talk and he says he's willing to try, but I constantly feel like no progress is being made.

I simply. Need.
I am so fucking needy. And I hate that about myself.
It's absolutely retarded.

I need to talk about this stuff, but there isn't time.
He doesn't have time for me.
He doesn't know how to organize his time.
So I'm always stuck at the bottom, right along with his homework.
Euchre is apparently top priority.

I need someone to be there when I need to talk.
I'm tired of never having anyone.
I swear I'm always searching for someone to lean on.
But I don't trust easily.
And few people are truly available to take that place in my life.

Losing my best friend took that one person away from me.
Now I don't have that person to help me.
The one to whom I can tell everything.
The one who will always have time for me.
I don't have that friend who will drop everything to help me anymore.
I feel completely alone all the time.

I'm so tired of this. I hate feeling alone in everything.
I really need someone who's reliable, who can provide me with the affection I need, and actively see me as part of their life, to need me, too.

I need to be needed, I need to feel loved.
I need. I simply. Need.