Today is one of those days that I hope to see lessen in number once I get some help.
I woke up a little crabbier than normal, which I suppose might've been an indication that it wasn't a good day, but I never let that bug me. I'm very much so not a morning person.
In class, I was extremely sad. Didn't know why. Very not content, and for me, contentedness is what I strive for. I kept going, hoping it was just the morning and that it would go away, but it didn't.
The more and more I sat in class, the more and more I thought, the more and more upset I became. I am on emotional overload. I keep thinking about everything, all at once. And I can't get any of it out of my mind. So I've had a drink in my hand since 3pm.
This happens all the time, for no apparent reason. I'm always trying to see if there was something that acted as a catalyst. Perhaps because I got to talk to Christian yesterday and had a wonderful conversation, made some plans, got excited about the future? Perhaps because I spoke to my mother and got permission to visit him in PA? Perhaps because I got to talk to my sissy? I have absolutely no idea. Those are the only things that differed from my norm, here.
Even last night, though, I should've seen it coming.
The freak out.
The one that caused me to call Christian for the second time that day, completely panicked and worried.
The one that had me talking to my friend Amanda online, asking all these questions about careers that I could use my Arabic major towards.
That one.
This instability, these emotional mood swings become more and more debilitating.
I've learned to push myself through them and to be as productive as possible during them, but they are still the most physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting things that I have ever had to deal with and are persistant. I have been dealing with this for years and am quickly approaching my breaking point.
Once I'm back in Columbus in September, everything will start to even out.
I will be going to the psychiatrist.
I will be continuing with my counselor.
I will hopefully be started on some meds because I'm convinced that this is a chemical imbalance. I've already done everything in my power to combat it within my own mind, and failed. It took me 7 years to reach the point where I admit that I can't do this myself and really need meds, even if just at the beginning. I am very much so looking forward to being rid of this curse.
But today, I am not.
It's not even 5pm.
I'm on my second drink.
Things are not going well.
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