Midterms Already?!

Yes, yes, yes, the midterm season is beginning.

It's not that bad, though. I'm still not motivated, but I'm forcing myself to get my shit done, so whatever.

And TODAY'S MY MOMMA'S BIRTHDAY! I'm gonna call her later tonight. :)

I've been doing really well, lately. At least, compared to before. I'm feeling pretty stable.

Last night I was up until 2am writing a paper for my Foreign Policy Decision-Making class. It was epic, and I have yet to go back and edit it. It's due tomorrow, so I'll do some editing later tonight.

But that is my only paper for the whole quarter! Just exams and homework!

I'm a bit worried to see how I do on that paper. It's worth over 1/3 of the course's grade. But I worked hard on it and, unlike most of my other papers, I'm going to be legitimately revising it later tonight, once Jenni finishes reading it over first.

I'm doing really well with the breakup. Looking back, he wasn't that great. He wasn't interesting. I realized that everything funny he said was from either The Chappelle Show or How I Met Your Mother or recalling something he said while drunk or high as a kite. So what if he liked the same music as me and not only had seen The Fountain but LIKED it, he was a boring motherfucker.

I do feel like the reason I finally came to this realization was because he said he really wanted to stay friends then wouldn't answer phone calls or respond to messages. But hey, if he can't be honest with me, then I don't want him as a friend at all.

It's weird because I'd always get angry at him for something-or-other, then when he finally picked up or called back, I'd realize I was being a bitch and angry for no reason. Well, the last contact I received from him proved me otherwise, and I was only looking for an excuse to really be done with him.

I've missed him and wish he were still my friend, but I do think I'm past that.

I had so many fantastic memories with him.

It's a pity, though. He could've been such a great person.

I hope he becomes it some day.

Anyway, I'm starting to try to delve into things that make me happy, or at least keep telling myself they do.

I'm having a lot of trouble finding things that aren't just making me externally happy. Because those things are all just shallow, in my eyes. I want internal happiness. Hopefully I'll get there. Eventually. If not, I hope I enjoy my journey. That's all I could ever hope.

In other news, my research position is great! I work with some fantastic people.

Naturally, I'm afraid to talk to people I don't know, but I'm getting there. At least I can make casual conversation with the guy whose little office I share. I wish I could be better at it, though. Fucking hate my anxiety. >.<

La la la, so, yeah. Nothing much to do. I actually finished all my schoolwork for today [EGADS!] so I took some time out to do this. :)

Oh, Project Runway, here I come. I hate working Thursday nights. I always miss it.

Soonish off to get food and read for awhile. I like my alone time.

*sigh* It's been a peaceful day, despite the severe lack of sleep I've been getting.

Much love to all of you, my few readers. <3

13 Realizations and Self-Discovery, or the Lack Thereof

I am going to reveal myself publicly, so I have no choice but to own up to it and move forward.

And this post took me over 2 hours to write and went through many revisions, so please, if you choose to read it, take it seriously.

So, it's been a difficult couple of days.

I've finally calmed down and recovered enough from the breakup to be able to progress on my own problems.

Er... Not so much progress, but identify.

Ever since the breakup, I've felt so insecure.

It's so strange, since I feel so much better about myself when I'm not in a relationship. That's how I end up in another.

Then it ends up tearing me down. Somehow.

In all honesty, I hate sharing things about myself. But I also feel like it's a necessity. I hide too much. Yes, I'm open and loud and opinionated about lots of things, like sex, my disdain of organized religion, how my family doesn't provide what I need to be emotionally healthy, but nothing like this. So please understand that this isn't easy, and I'm doing this more for myself than for any of you, my few readers.

My 14 Realizations

Realization 1: I'm truly me when I'm single.

Each breakup leads to a time of reflection and self-[re-]discovery.

For example, I met Christian about 5 months after an extremely painful breakup last year, one which I have characterized as a betrayal of the most intimate kind, after which I used my location of Rock Bottom to build myself up again, completely explicating my thoughts and reconstructing myself as the woman I wanted to be. No thought was left unexplored, and I worked hard to improve upon my faults, though I [regrettably] did not fix the most prominent flaw I possessed, and was completely comfortable in my shoes and proud of who I was when I met him, and he was in a similar comfortability with himself. That is why we got along, why we felt such an intense connection, why we decided to brave the constant distance. I had never met anyone with whom I felt a truly spiritual connection upon first meeting. And I regret, more than anything, that I allowed myself and my anxieties to sever that bond and drive him away.

For me, my relationships with other people, not exclusively those of a romantic nature, are my source of joy in life. I find that closeness and intimacy are the most beautiful things in existence, but betrayal/loss of such causes the most pain, psychically, and that is the pain which cuts your soul to the quick. People are virtually guaranteed to let you down, due to their precocious emotional nature and lack of divine qualities, thus pain, in some capacity, is the single thing that can be ensured from such a relationship.

It is through the reflection of the relationship, the horribly painful recollection of good and bad times which plagues the broken-hearted, that I grow. After each ended relationship, I see my mistakes, see what their effects were, and choose the most destructive behaviors and do my damnedest to correct them. Not because I want to get said boyfriend back, not because I want to be "more desirable" for another relationship, but because they are behaviors which are prevalent--and cause harm--in each and every aspect of my life.

I am in no way saying this is easy, and that I don't occasionally entertain the thought Hey, maybe he'll see that I've changed and want me back. Honestly, I have no idea if I would even want to try again with him, for various reasons. But it doesn't mean that I don't want more than anything, at times, to call him and hear his voice. The desire to speak to him is so strong at times that I have to call Alyssa or hide my phone battery (and give my mom or sister the home phone so I don't use that, since I have the damn number memorized). At those low points, during those desires to pursue any hope of a restoration of that original bond, I wonder if he thinks about how hard it is for me to not contact him, my inability of which being such a huge problem during our relationship. It has been over two weeks since I have heard from him at all. I don't know if I ever will. And it absolutely kills me. But I know he needs his space. And I respect him.

This process of repairing myself is often daunted by circumstances. First it was final exams, then it was my family's inability to display any bit of sympathy, empathy, desire to help. That first weekend, the one before exams, my mother was a great help, but now it's as if she's telling me "Oh, get over it already." The most sincere feelings are those that continue; they don't seem to understand that I'm still hurting and to fucking give me a hug every god damn once in awhile or tell me they love me or ask why I hadn't moved from the couch for 12 hours or hung out with any of my friends. My own grief is such a hindrance in and of itself, and it's only being prolonged by the lack of displayed care by those around me. And now the holidays are here, which means stressed parents and so many things to do in preparation and so little time in which to complete them. Then will quickly follow a brand new quarter and more loneliness and reclusive behavior.

Well, the last time this happened, which is two weeks shy of one year ago, I managed to find myself despite school-related responsibilities. Though my own thoughts regarding my studies are different, I need to trust that I will be able to accomplish it, once again. And this time, I have a couple extra resources and forms of support. I have been talking to my mom more often, I am seeing a therapist on a weekly basis (which has been helping a ton already), I am seeing a psychoanalyst, and I am taking fish oil regularly, which is a natural antidepressant and has been helping clarify my thoughts immensely.

I can do this. I just need to find the strength in my low times to remind myself.

And once I complete this major reconstruction, though I know it will never be truly finished, I will find someone and make a stronger, more sincere bond with them and embark upon a new relationship.

Realization 2: The only times I want to hurt myself is when I hurt other people.

The times in the past 6 months I have felt depressed were when I treated Christian like shit.

I abhorred my behavior so much that the knowledge of my mistreatment of him drove me into the depths of depression. I had not felt feelings so dark for years. I felt the need to punish myself for hurting the person I loved most.

Each time, I felt the necessity to change, but I was so consumed by the depression and emotional disturbance that I couldn't make progress. It was so alarming that I had to treat the symptoms before I could treat the problem. That's when I started seeing 3 experts: my therapist, my psychoanalyst, and my shrink (who told me in a visit just before break that he does not need to see me anymore--finally, progress!). A couple of times, I even considered checking myself into a hospital. I told Christian time and time again that we should end it, that I am treating him like shit and that he doesn't deserve it, and that I should focus on becoming healthy without dragging him down with me. The conversation happened probably ten times. He would never have it.

Eventually, I started making progress, but it was after the point at which our bond was severed, though the relationship had not yet been ended, so he did not see my progress. Communication was virtually nonexistent, and I have nothing but myself to blame for that, though I know that the blame of not discussing possible solutions/compromises lies upon him.

I tend to blame myself for everything; it's hard to cite a cause over which I have no control. But I'm doing my best work not to allow myself to do that. I am forcing myself to be logical and reasonably look back over these past 6 months and see what actions were taken and, piece by piece, assess the resulting damage.

I loved him deeply, and I still do, but I believe he made the best choice.

I believe ending this potentially-abusive relationship was the right thing to do.

I think, all along, I knew it would come to this.

And I hoped with all my heart that it wouldn't happen.

But I'm glad he put me in my place.

To Christian and everyone who has been affected by what I did, and to those caught in the middle, I am truly, inexplicably sorry.

And I don't expect to be forgiven.

Realization 3: I don't want an intellectual; I want someone who makes me feel alive.

I've seriously dated men on both sides of the spectrum, and I choose vivacity.

I know I'm high-strung, but I don't want to be bored. I don't want a work-related convention to be the most exciting thing that happens to me. I want to be pushed out of my comfort zone, to live.

I know it has the potential to frustrate me and will test my anxieties and fears, but I want to be pushed, because, simply, if you're never challenged, you'll never grow.

Realization 4: I don't want to be alone.

I need affection, be it from a person or a pet.

I need a lot of attention. I admit that. I need to be wanted and loved. I need to be cuddled.

I am very emotional, but I also know that simple, childish need, could be fulfilled by a furry little cat or dog.

I don't see the necessity of marriage, other than for tax purposes and wedding presents, but I would like to have someone for an extended period of time. I would love someone who is fun enough to convince me to actually retire and explore and misbehave together. I want someone with whom to grow old, so that the part of life which I fear the most isn't boring and pointless.

I know I don't need someone, but I would like to have someone.

Or at least a damn pet. I fucking love dogs and cats. Love them.

Realization 5: I need to feel needed.

I want not only to be loved, but to be an irreplaceable part of someone's life.

I'm not saying I want to be "everything" to them, or that I want them to say that they'd die without me, but I want them to believe that I, as an individual, emotional creature, supply a characteristic to their life which cannot be fulfilled by any other person.

And for them to tell me that.

Realization 6: I feel weak crying about my needs because I hate how weak I feel it is to be affected so profoundly by other people.

I don't cry in front of most people, especially not about the things that mean the most to me.

I feel like crying in itself is not a weakness, but due to my mood/emotional disorder, my emotions are so intense that they are uncontrollable, so I try to suppress them. Once I let them loose, I cannot control, stop, hinder, or act upon them in any substantial way. So I have come to only let myself truly express my complete emotions, without censorship, to certain people. My 'lyssa is currently the only person with whom I am completely unreserved. Christian was, up until a few weeks ago. JP was, up until about a year ago.

It takes complete trust. Because I know how weak I am when it comes to controlling myself once I let the tears pour and the emotions free.

And with complete trust comes the acknowledgement that they have the ability to hurt me in the deepest parts of my heart.

A 14-year-long friendship ending certainly did that.

And I hate that the main thing I feel-yet-never-reveal is that my relationships with others are what affect me the most profoundly. I feel like I should be an island, or at least have a god damn drawbridge, so I can retreat to the fortress of Me when I need some stability, but I don't have that. I feel like I'm not completely self-reliant. And to me, that is weakness.

Realization 7: My anxiety disorder has the most influence on my life.

I fear everything, and those fears control my life.

I suffer from a severe anxiety disorder, the treatment of which is the focus of my psychoanalyst.

He is training me to use meditation and relaxation techniques to treat the anxiety, and eventually we will hopefully progress to self-hypnosis.

My shrink wanted to give me a mild sedative to take when extremely anxious, but I saw that as only treating the symptoms, not the cause. Anyway, the anxiety is constant, and I am high-strung and hate taking any sort of medication, so I would never take the "as needed" medication, so there it would sit, unused.

This anxiety makes me a slave to schedules; planning and scheduling provide me with a feeling of security and stability--the "what ifs" are all accounted for and included as footnotes in the overall plan.

I need to have control.

It has driven away two very important people in my life.

It has destroyed two very important, serious relationships.

It was the one thing I should've fixed after things went sour with Ross.

I was a coward.

I am so intensely afraid of an impossible number of small things that they are included in every aspect of life and the absence of a plan or structure drives me insane, making me incapable of functioning. I am completely hung up on the little things that could go wrong. So I never do anything. I'm too careful.

As a result of the constant planning, I value efficiency over nearly everything else.

If it's not the most efficient way of doing things, it's wrong.

Especially when it comes down to money.

I am so careful with my money.

It's ridiculous.

This is the main focus of all my doctors, of all my personal energy.

I need to force myself to let go of structure.

I need to find security in myself and the knowledge that I will be able to overcome anything that is in my way, rather than fear it so much that I either make the fear a reality or not live at all.

That's what happened. I was so afraid of losing him that I smothered him.

Realization 8: I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

I am just going through the motions.

I knew that once Christian and I broke up that this would come to the forefront.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

I have no objectives.

I have no goals.

I used to want to be an Arabic Interpreter for the United Nations.

Spending my summer in Lebanon showed me that I don't have an ear for Arabic.

I have an eye for it. I love the grammar and the literary intricacies, but not an ear.

So there goes that.

I had been planning--and looking forward to--going to grad school, perhaps through PhD.

Now, I have no desire to do so.

I'm keeping my mind open to it as an option, but I have no idea what I want to do after undergrad.

I don't know if I should even keep my majors.

I can't think of a single career which I would like to do.

But everything else I enjoy studying also yields a career which does not particularly interest me.

My Arabic advisor told me that, at my level of Arabic, it's normal to have a major/career panic.

Hopefully that's all this is.

In all honesty, I don't even want to be in college right now.

I feel like I have so little direction that it's just a waste of time.

But I don't have much time before it's too late to change my major, if that's something I want to do again. (I just changed my second major from International Studies to Political Science, due to the amazing Poli Sci department and outstanding faculty)

And my scholarship is only good for 12 quarters, that is 4 years minus summers. And if I take time off, I will lose it.

I can't persuade myself to get out of bed most days.

Not even for class anymore.

The only thing that gets me off my ass is work, because then I know I'll do something useful and make a little money as well.

I guess that's why I'm constantly searching for jobs and already have 2.

Productivity in someone else's life is enough to keep me functioning in mine for now.

Realization 9: I hate that my emotions are irrational and completely out of my control.

I feel things that don't make sense, but I can't use my logic to stop them from occurring.

My emotions are stupid. They don't line up with logic. I can feel something and say "Hey, this doesn't make sense."

For example, some days I'll just feel depressed as shit. I stop and say to myself, "Emily, what the fuck? Why are you down? It's a beautiful day, it's true nothing spectacular has happened, yet nothing bad has happened, either." But the logic doesn't change the fact that I'm depressed that day. The next day could be completely different.

And the mood swings. Fuck, man. Those have definitely decreased since the antidepressant qualities of the fish oil have started working, but they do still happen sometimes.

I consider that a major improvement.

My moods have stabilized, but my emotions still trend at the irrational side.

So I guess my next step is to learn how to respond to these illogical feelings.

Progress. Finally.

Hope.

Realization 10: I am torn between wanting to see people as pawns or as a valuable part of life.

Especially in times like these, I want to become emotionally cold, a shell of a soul.

I struggle with the natural inclination to never feel pain again.

My anxiety heightens it, to the point where I just want to be the embodiment of bitterness.

Since people are bound to let you down, I struggle with the idea of wanting people and my relationships with them to be an integral part of my life or to use people as pawns to get done what needs to be done and nothing else.

I fear pain, though I know, when faced with it, I have resources and means with which to overcome it.

But the fear is so greatly intensified that I fear the fear.

And every time someone lets me down, I feel betrayed, I feel that they were dishonest, though I know that logically, nobody is perfect, and that they weren't necessarily dishonest or untrue--it's just how I feel about it.

That is just one of my many irrational emotions.

Realization 11: One's identity is determined by one's most important relationships.

A relationship is part of your life, not an event within it.

People always warn others not to define themselves by their relationships.

I believe that is absolute bullshit.

By the act of being in a relationship, you are making it part of your definition as a person, or at least you should be.

A true relationship should be a part of your daily life. In thought, if not in action.

The way you think, the way you behave, the things you think about, they are different depending upon your current relationships, if they are true, sincere, and mature, even despite a lack of physical or communicative contact.

If it's not, then you are not ready for a serious relationship.

I think that's why breakups hurt me so badly. I have to completely adjust my way of life. Things I had associated with the now-ex-boyfriend must be psychically disassociated so that I can live. I have to completely change everything. I can't just think about him anymore, because it is now painful rather than a joy. It has become a wound.

I'm not looking for a husband. I don't care about that. I give my complete devotion and loyalty to each and every relationship, because though it may not be a part of the rest of my life, it is a part of my life at that point in time. That's why it breaks me so completely. It's not a dependency, it's a devotion. Each broken relationship is the death of intimacy. And intimacy is the single thing in the world which I both love and desire the most.

Personally, I think that was the problem.

I don't think he was really ready.

But some day, I will find someone who is.

Realization 12: I believe relationships are meant to end. REVISION: Or at the very least, not be easy.

You only grow through trials.

I don't really know that I buy the "till death do us part" romanticism.

I feel like you need multiple life partners to be able to grow, otherwise you risk becoming too comfortable and stopping growth altogether.

Though I guess I do suppose that problems within the relationship could take the place of a complete change in relationship.

The jury's still out on that one. Just a thought I had while talking to Alyssa on the phone.

Anyway...

Pain is the best motivator.

If you don't believe me or need proof, think about your own experiences.

Without the bad, the good does not exist, cannot be appreciated.

Realization 13: I am going through an identity crisis.

I feel like I'm not sure who I am, who I even want to be.

I'm sure my personal insecurities have made themselves painstakingly evident throughout this lengthy post, so I will not dawdle.

I believe that my lack of current life objective lends itself as a cause to this.

I feel compelled to change my hair color, style, makeup, similar to Clementine from Michel Gondry's masterpiece film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, thus the fruity nickname of mine, but I know that it will render itself useless.

Obviously, an outward change in image doesn't impose a similar change of a sincere, personal nature.

The only thing I like about myself is my body. I fucking love my body. But that's the least important aspect of me.

I need to find out who I am.

Then I will be beautiful and happy again.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate your devotion in that you completed reading this whole post.

-Emily

Winter Break

I started this blog a year ago this December.
A lot can happen in a year.
A lot can happen in 6 months.
A lot can happen in 2 weeks.
A lot can happen. Period.

I'm still having a lot of trouble. But I'm determined not to contact him until January.
I truly doubt he'll even care to call or IM or contact me in any way. I dunno.

Now I'm home. For 3 weeks.
Holy shit. What the hell am I gonna do?
This is going to be so damn boring.

On the drive home, I was already getting down.
I was supposed to be in his arms right now.
This whole next week was supposed to be perfect.
Instead, I'm home alone while my sister and mom are still in school.
Fuck. This.

I find myself beginning to turn to bitterness and anger because it makes things easier, but I know once I do that, I can't go back.

This is fucking hard.
I don't know what he's thinking or feeling.
I'm not entirely sure he knows either.
I still feel like I never got a real explanation.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

This is going to be a long break.

You could be happy, and I won't know. But you weren't happy the day I watched you go.

He broke up with me on Thursday.

I still can't keep food down.

And no, I don't want to talk about it.

Drowning in Sleeplessness

I don't quite know what to do anymore.
I haven't been able to sleep well for weeks, now.
I can nap, during which I sleep deeply, and I am constantly exhausted and completing my tasks with the aim of going to sleep, but once I lie down in bed, my body no longer yearns for sleep.
While I'm up, all I want to do is go to bed and sleep. But once I lie down... It's over.
The only was I've been able to sleep well has been because I was with Christian or because of NyQuil.
This is unhealthy.

I don't understand.
I set aside 7-8 hours in which to sleep nearly every night.
And I lay in bed awake during most of them.
I just don't understand.
So now I've taken to just not going to bed.
Fuck, I hate insomnia.
Especially the kind where you're still exhausted constantly.

One of my doctors recommended Tryptophan or 5-HTP or Melatonin, and unfortunately, constrained by price once again, the one which I feel less alright with taking is the one I will be purchasing, because it's the cheapest.
BUT at least it's natural. And hopefully it will help.



This weekend was wonderful.
I got to go to the fall play then spend the weekend with Christian in Berea.
I'm so in love. I hope things don't fall apart this time.
And I'm still really fucked up from Ross.
Thanks for the trust issues, asshole.
My therapist says rather than allowing the fear of this happening again and stifling the relationship I should just remind myself that I've gotten through it before, so if it happens again, I'll be okay.

I'm trying.
I'm trying really hard.
You have absolutely no idea.


The quarter's almost over.
I'm on the right track with my work.
Now, if only I could sleep.

So What Happened To Bulletproof Weeks in Your Arms?

This week is definitely going better than last.
Which is good, because it has turned out to be hell week for a lot of other people, so I'm glad I'm stable and able to help them.

I think really the only bad part about the week has been yesterday, finding out that I don't actually have a ride back to Columbus after going to Berea to spend the weekend with Christian.
So, I spent about 2 or 3 hours at work yesterday, panicking, writing on so many different people's facebooks, emailing people, texting people, crying and feeling so sad, because if I couldn't find a ride home, there's no way I could go at all, the one weekend we'd been planning to spend together since September, and also my birthday weekend. Yes, uberfail.
BUT, the wonderful and fantastic Chris saved my ass. He's going home tp Mentor for the weekend, and agreed to pick me up from BW and take me back with him Sunday night. I am SO RELIEVED! And SO HAPPY!

Oddly enough, despite all that stress, the resolution of the problem made me in a really good mood for Arabic! I am doing fine in class, nothing like at the beginning, though the 10 page final paper (written in Arabic) is gonna be a huuuge bitch, but I still dread going. Oh well. I just push myself, and it's never as bad as I expect. Dunno why I can't just convince myself that I work hard enough that it's not horrible. Oh well.

Anyway, it's an exciting week. I've been in a good mood since Sunday. Talking really helped clear things up, and make me feel better. Hopefully it made us both feel better. I mean... Yeah, we've had out 5-minute squabbles that end in me crying and feeling bad for being a bitch, but hey, nothing's gonna get better instantaneously. It's progress, and that's all we're aiming for at the moment. We are going to spend a lot of time together this weekend (though I suspect much of that will be exhaustedly sleeping from the late nights we'll be spending watching movies and going to costume parties). But yes. I'm hopeful. Not dejected as before. And that's a huge improvement for me.

Since I'm in such a good mood, I'm feeling motivated! I've actually gotten all my homework for this week done. I'm going to do some reading for Monday's globalization class tonight. And might actually go to Dems! Haha I've been skipping so many because of the mounds of homework I had to deal with, which was actually a result of the lack of motivation. And tonight's a costume contest. Dunno if I should really participate, since my costume is a slutty Alice in Wonderland... But we'll see. Perhaps I'll throw on some shitty sunglasses and a mismatched shoe and go as "Indie-Hipster." What I'm wearing today already works. :-P

I have an Arabic report due next Thursday, a regular assignment which is due every two weeks. Perhaps I'll feel motivated to work on it tonight? I could just start writing when I think of something. Or I could write it next week and talk about everything that happened this weekend. That would work, too. We'll see. But I know I should do it now that I'm motivated, since I probably will be pretty depressed Monday and Tuesday, due to leaving Christian. But there's a chance that he might come to OSU next weekend, so hopefully I won't be *too* down.

[I can't remember if I already wrote this, but...] I got a second job. It's at a food place on campus. And even next year, though it closes late, I will be able to catch a bus that goes close to home. And Aarthi's getting me pepper spray for my birthday, so I'll be set! (Molly apparently ordered my gift today... I'm afraid.) But yes. I'm relieved to have another job. On campus is really the way to go. I also applied for a bartending position yesterday, but that's a longshot. Only time will tell. :)

Tomorrow night, Aarthi, Al, and I are going to see a live production of Rocky Horror at our favorite gay club. And we are ALL dressing up. Yes, even Aarthi! I am pumped! After the show, Al and I are going to drive back north. He'll drop me off at BW and I'll be with my L. I am very excited.

Speaking of Christian, I had a dream about him last night. FINALLY a good dream. I've had nightmares for far too long.

Ok, that was written in one of the breaks which is necessary in order to not go insane while doing nothing but cataloging for countless hours. Back to work!

My Love goes out to you all <3

Bulletproof Weeks.
Matt Nathanson.

Color My Life with the Chaos of Trouble...

...'Cause anything's better than posh isolation.

Things are good today.

I did well on my globalization midterm.

Today in poli sci was a review for our midterm, which will take place on Monday.

Still hate my Arabic class.

Saw my therapist.

I hope he realizes that I'm sacrificing me feeling better for us.

I hope he appreciates that I'm putting "us" before "me".

I really hope he grasps the significance.

Starting to see another doctor on Friday.

I hope this works.

The copays are killing me.

Talked to him on the phone for a good hour and a half today.

Things seem to be progressing.

We're committed to trying.

We're not going to give up without a long, hard fight.

This is not one of those.

He is not one of those.

Finally, one who really cares.

Finally, one who's willing to work hard.

Finally, one who will sacrifice much.

Finally, one who truly loves.

Finally.

I now have music again!

Though I'm really sad that The Pirate Bay is down.

Somehow, while transferring all my music, all my Caribou got deleted.

Totally pissed.

Work tomorrow.

Gotta go to bed.

Gotta be up at 7am.

I am in love.

I am secure.

We are making plans.

For today.

For tomorrow.

For as long as we can.

And hoping we get there.

But if not,

We tried.

And enjoyed the ride.

That's all we can ask.

Of each other.

Of ourselves.

Of love.

The Boy with the Arab Strap.

Belle & Sebastian.

Breakable

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?

Things today have literally fallen to pieces.

Almost couldn't get myself out of bed to go to work.

Horrible things occurred while at work.

I'm left terrified and fearing a repeat of before.

And utterly dejected.

Fuck this.

We are breakable girls and boys.

Ingrid Michaelson

Too Tired for a Real Update

Sooo yeah. The title was pretty self-explanatory.

I have a globalization midterm tomorrow, for which I didn't start studying until about 6 hours ago.

This weekend was very good.

I went home. And surprised my Ishy xD

I miss her so much <3

Thursday night, Al came to visit. We saw the midnight showing of Where the Wild Things Are. It was fucking fantastic.

Then we drove home, making an obligatory Waffle House stop on the way.

I got home to Hudson around 5am.

Did a load of laundry.

Went to bed around 5:30.

My sister had no idea I was coming home. Mom did, she didn't.

I got up around 11:30am, and stood across the room behind my sister, while my mom said something to make her turn around.

Her response, her face; there are no words to describe.

Very long, loving hugging followed.

Then we went college food replenish shopping. Lots of tea.

Went to the football game that night to watch my sissy cheer. My uncle came, too! (Dad was still in Thailand).

After the game (and a post-cheering Wendy's run), I drove up to BW.

Got there around midnight.

Christian was in the shower, so his roommate had to let me in, haha. So funny. He's so chill.

Had an interesting evening, but a nice night. It's always amazing to just lie in bed with him. Sleeping in the same bed as someone I love is my favorite thing in the world. So simple, so innocent, so loving. I absolutely adore it.

Slept late. Went home.

Was depressed--it's one of those things were it's normal to be sad, but not normal to be so dehabilitatingly depressed. It almost makes me wonder if these 12 hour visits are really worth the stress. I know he'd understand. I dunno. I hope it's something that can be improved upon.

Went to see Whip It! with Ishy and Al Saturday night.

Slept.

Had breakfast with the Momma and Ishy Sunday morning.

Chilled.

Chilled with Mom.

Chilled with Mom and Ishy and her boyfriend Jeremy.

A friend brought me back to OSU, where I didn't study until I absolutely had to, due to slight depression caused by leaving my family.

I really missed them. I hadn't realized how much until they came to visit with my grandparents and uncle a few weeks ago.

And I'm getting along much better with my mother. I'm so glad.

This week:

Intro to Globalization midterm tomorrow

2 paid research studies

Arabic report

Poli Sci reading

Lots of Arabic to catch up on

Therapist appointment

I hope this helps.

In other news, I got my replacement portable hard drive! They really did come through. And instead of a refurbished one, they legit gave me a brand new one! I haven't had time to transfer anything yet, but yeah!

Anyway, off to bed. Fucking exhausted and have to be up at 7am for work.

My love is overflowing; it hurts a little.

MOLLY, LOOK! A Non Mopey, Cryptic, Shit-stained Post

So, per the request of Molly, I am updating again.

I know I haven't written much lately. I've been very emotionally agitated of late.

I hope to change that. When I'm extremely upset, I tend to write in my personal journal, because it helps me sort things out and is a very valuable outlet to me. That's what's been going on, but I believe I feel the winds changing.

This weekend was absolutely spectacular!

Molly and Aarthi were amazing enough to drive me up to BW to see Christian. And it was a fucking epic trip! Saturday, WE WENT TO THE FUCKING CLEVELAND ZOO THEN SAW ZOMBIELAND THEN WENT TO DENNY'S FOR BRINNER! Between the three of us, Christian, and Hiram, we completely demolished 5 Grand Slams. It was glorious. Incredibly fun, and I got the chance to spend time with my Love and to talk to him about some important things.

Needless to say, after being manic since Tuesday, I was fucking down in the shit today after returning. But Jacob really helped me out, and helped me distract myself. Although the hardest part for me is about to come--going to bed alone. But I will conquer it. I will push myself to get through the tough parts and, if absolutely necessary, use external stimuli (chocolate, caffeine, potatoes, friends, etc.) to continue on. I can do this. I know I can.

We're working things out.

I've come to realize that my emotional instability and intense mood swings are the main threats to our relationship. I'm working on that. I'm working on being less of a control freak. I'm working on articulating what I can figure out from my confusing and frustrating feelings. He's working on making time to talk to me more. We're doing our best, and I think it's working--I just needed to give it some time. Things are definitely improving and may continue to do so. I love him so completely.

I see my therapist for the first time Tuesday. And my shrink again Thursday. I think I'm going to ask him to refer me to the Integrative Medicine center instead of seeing him. I don't really trust him, and I'm not particularly sure I'm really ok with the psychiatric medication he thinks I should try. We'll see what he says, but I do believe that meditation--not medication--would be more useful in treating my anxiety. I'm not overly fond of taking a potentially dependence-causing sedative to fix that problem. And I'm still debating the medication for my mood disorders. We'll see. Things are going to happen, and I'm not going to give up. It interferes with my life too much for me to give up. And I have too many people supporting me for me to even consider throwing in the towel. I can do it, and they can help.

I'm hoping to go home this upcoming weekend.

I saw that it's parents' weekend at OSU, and I got really sad. I've been talking to my mom a lot more, lately. I think the distance was the best thing for our relationship. We've been actually getting along! And I have felt the need to call her when depressed. In fact, I want to call her now, but I know it's too late, being 2am. And I miss my sister. My dad's in Thailand, at the moment, and I don't know when he'll be back, but I would love to see my sister cheer on Friday, and my favorite uncle's coming to the game to see her, so I would love to see him, as well! Then I might try to go to BW for Saturday night, spend the night, then leave Sunday morning so I can meet my family for lunch after church. Then spend Sunday with them. I also have to study for my globalization midterm, which is on Monday, but I will have time.

I can do this. I am confident. I need to push through the depression.

I have my Love, my friends, my family, and myself.

I can do this.

My love to you all, though I may not know you.

Everyone deserves to be loved, if only by a stranger. <3

When I'm left with questions unasked and unanswered

Things are better.

Or at least on the way to getting better.

Hopefully this is real progress.

I don't know how much longer I can take it if it's not.

We'll see what happens.

Right now, there's homework to do.

Fuck. I need sleep.

Water to Wine.

Saintseneca.

But if God cries tears then drown me in them.

I had a dream about you last night. And your brother. I wish we could eat in Wendy's like we used to after church.

In other news, everything is continuing to fall apart.

And no progress is really happening to stop it.

No surprise there.

Saintseneca. God Bones.

Cease to Begin

School's been on for a few weeks now.

Arabic is kicking my ass.

My other two classes are.... I have no fucking idea.

The new library is pretty, though.

A lot of depression.

A lot of mood swings.

A lot of cigarettes.

And now a lot of alcohol.

I thought I was done with that.

I though I'd learned my lesson.

Turns out, when shit doesn't get fixed, it gets worse.

Nothing actually resolves itself.

I feel like nothing ever gets resolved unless I do it myself.

That's how I feel right now.

That's why I'm so sad.

That's why I feel like it's falling apart.

I want to trust, but nothing gets done.

I can't handle nothing getting done.

I need more than that.

I don't know.

Band of Horses.

Cease to Begin.

Last Week in Hudson

FINALLY!

I can't wait to get out of here!

This past weekend was rather awesome, though.

Christian did remarkably well meeting both sides of the family.

We watched 5 movies this weekend. Oh my god. 5 fucking movies, 1 of which was a scary movie, with which I do not do well at all. But it was 28 Days Later, and it was absolutely FANTASTIC! Danny Boyle doesn't get enough credit for that film.

I see Christian next weekend, when I am dragging him to a square dance so I don't have to get stuck with a 60-year-old man as a partner again, then hopefully going back to BW that night then hanging most of the next day. Then bye until Halloween.

He's fantastic, and patient, and understanding, and wonderful, so we'll be fine.

We will persevere.

Since it's the last week, I'm finally getting into my Arabic stuff. Hahaha, about time, I know.

I'm also ordering my textbooks for the quarter. Getting some great deals, too.

Listening to the new Arctic Monkeys album, since I'm considering keeping the ticket and going to the show anyway, because I do have a way to keep my library job. Hopefully I can pick up another job or two once I'm there.

I've got an appointment with my academic advisor to start working on my Honors Contract.

And I've got an advisor (the one I wanted!) for my Honors Thesis.

Things are working out really well, right now, despite the difficulties.

It's the big picture.

I want to read books and watch movies. But I sleep so much. I should get on that.

Today, I reallllly miss Beirut and speaking Arabic :(

8 Days

Last Hours in Beirut

I am down to 3 hours in Beirut--or at least in Beirut outside of the airport--and I am spending them by catching up on emails and facebook and surveys and listening to music, soon I will embark upon finishing my copy of Palahniuk's Pygmy (so I can put it in my checked bag instead of carry-on... damn hardcover books!). The roommates are all out at the Pussycat Dolls concert and, though I'm definitely not a fan, I probably would've gone had I not been worried that I'd miss my driver to the airport. As Alyssa put it, "i think that would be a fun concert to go to if you were deaf. you know? just standin there watching the skanky ladies skank around."

Anyway, school ended very well today. I have completed the SINARC Summer 2009 program AND GOT A B+ ON MY FINAL EXAM IN FOUSHA!!! I'm ecstatic! And I was told that I did well in 3amiyya, so I am sooo happy!

I have had a wonderful time living with Kirsten again after 2 years and meeting so many new people. We really had a blast, and I absolutely love this city.

Honestly, sitting right here, reflecting, about to read, is really one of the best ways to end my stay here. No drinking, no being crazy, just a relaxing expression of love to the city while I soak up my last hours of the Lebanon in which I have been living for the past 6 weeks. I honestly, honestly love it here. I will return, inshallah.

Those time zones are gonna fucking suck. Oh well. I have lots of books from Aarthi to keep me happy :)

I am ready to return to the US, though. So many things to get worked out, so much to enjoy.

And I'm ready to be where I belong, if only for a short time.

PS, I bought all 3 of those Ghada Samman books today. I'm happy. :)

OH, and by the way, of COURSE the Flaming Lips are coming to Columbus on Sept. 18, when I have FUCKING OWL-C SHIT TO DO! I've been waiting for over FOUR FUCKING YEARS! UGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! >.<

A Turn for the FANTASTIC!!!

Holy shit! The past 15 hours have been the most fantastic 15 hours that could come in rapid succession--and I was asleep for 7 of them!

For one, Ben made a fantastic dinner. Our last homemade meal in Beirut :(

Another is that Christian jogged 2 miles to get a place where he could get internet, so I got to chat with him online. That was great, of course.

The big thing, though, is that I feel like my life is finally starting to take on a shape of its own.

You see, I was talking to my cousin-in-law online yesterday about everything, about my parents, what I'm planning on doing, my ideas. I've been considering declaring myself an independent, I've been thinking about living with my adopted family across town, I've been thinking about moving to Columbus altogether. I'm thinking definite no on declaring myself an independent because I need insurance and I'll only have insurance through OSU during the school year. And the main other reason I haven't done anything else is that I rely on my parents for transportation, both to and from school as well as when home so I can get to work, see friends, etc.

While talking, he said, "I wish there were a way to get my 97 Civic DX to you." BOOM! PERFECT OPPORTUNITY!

I asked him how much he wanted for it, and he said "Well, you take some time to think about it and name a price, and we'll go from there."

So, Christian spent all of his time online searching for prices of the car with that mileage and getting auto insurance quotes. He really is the most fantastic man I've ever met. When I have a little idea, he pushes me to look into it and not just brush it off and call it impossible. He takes his own time to do some of the busywork to get me to really see that it's not a stupid idea and that I really am capable of improving my life. He is amazing, and I love him madly.

Anyway, the plan would be to fly out to California sometime before my cousins move from LA to London (we'll miss a few days of school but oh well) and spend a couple days with my cousins, then drive back to Ohio from California.

We were hoping to go to London during spring break to see them, but this is well worth missing it. There will be other years we can go to London to visit. Then during spring break, we can drive down to Florida to visit my grandparents then spend the rest of it in NC with his dad! I am so excited by life and its opportunities. :)

The main problem is that OSU stopped their transportation to the off-campus OSU library where I work.... So I may not be able to keep my job there....

But I have time. They're not moving for awhile, so I can get back to school in September and see how things work out.

Gas won't be too bad because I probably won't use it unless I'm driving home or to see Christian. So that's good.

If I do this, I will officially be broke as fuck, but in the long-run, it'll probably be a good thing.

And then something else happened today.... YAY!!!!! xD

I am so happy I absolutely cannot contain myself. So thrilled. Things are finally moving forward!

Now, I just need to harvest my happiness and energy to study for these intense final exams I have tomorrow... EIHH!!!

Miles from LA to Ohio: 2,356

Days left in Beirut: 2.5

Beirut*Love

2 Weeks Left :'-(

Holy shit.

I feel like I just hit the half-way mark.

Where the hell has the last week gone?!

I'm so torn about my time in Beirut coming to a close.

I absolutely love it here. Beirut is so amazing. And studying Arabic and also being in a place where I can practice it (despite the fact that everyone here speaks English) is great.

But I'm ready to get back to making money, not just spending it.

I'm ready to be done with school for awhile.

I'm ready to see Christian and Alyssa again.

What stinks is that I know I'll be going home to my family and having to deal with all that. I miss my sister, but I'm not fond of it.

It's so internally conflicting.

It's nice that I don't have to make a decision, that I'm for certain returning to the US on August 1st, but it doesn't help that I love it here so much and hate it there so much that it'll be so difficult. Not just to adjust to being in the States again, but to being with my family again.

I must admit, I am absolutely thrilled to be able to go spend nearly a week in PA with Christian as soon as I get home, then return home to cart Al around for his booze-filled 21st bday, but still. The rest of the situation is hard.

I am really worried that I won't have enough time.

I'm hoping it's like when I was home for a week before leaving for Lebanon, where I had a list of people I needed to see and didn't expect to see them all, yet somehow managed to do so.

But once I get home, I'll be working again.

Trying to get as many hours as possible.

Seeing lots of movies, and by lots I mean Transformers 2, Public Enemies, and Harry Potter (AS MANY TIMES AS POSSIBLE!), not to mention those people who are going to want me to take them to see them so they can get in for free...

I have people I need to see like Craig, who just got back from Japan, Trudgen, Al, and Emily, Christian, and of course, my 'lyssa.

Oh, right. And my family.

And since I don't start school until September, I'm hoping to go spend every free weekend moment with Christian and Trudgen at BW.

ALL being balanced around my work schedule!

I hope it all works out.

I have a feeling I'll be getting even less sleep than I do during the school year, but at least my brain will get a chance to rest, right?

Oh wait. I need to study Arabic so I can use this program to skip some classes and take a placement test as soon as I get back to OSU. Shit.

Oh well. I'll live. I can do it! I know I can. And even if I fail, I will have enjoyed it immensely. :)

Fuck, this upcoming school year is going to be a bitch. I need to get another job, especially since I want to visit my cousin in London during spring break and will be paying for gas to go visit Christian during the school year.

Bye bye piercings and tattoos. I really wanted that one in Latin. :-\

But I'm going to keep my chin up!

There are so many good shows coming around:

-->Perhaps mewithoutYou in Akron on August 17

-->Modest Mouse August 24 in Columbus with Christian

-->Show-hopping in Coventry on September 13 with Christian (the day before I move to Columbus)

-->Arctic Monkeys on September 28 at the Newport

-->Dinosaur Jr. October 10 at the Newport with James

-->Lewis Black October 17 in Philidelphia with Christian and Trudge (hopefully)

Plus whatever I get to see when in the UK in March!

C'est la vie :)

Life Should Be Speechless

I find that words are absolutely useless when it comes to the most important things in life.

Language has no way to adequately communication the most precious thing that human beings possess: emotion.

I am so wonderfully, happily in love that I cannot find the words to express it, even to the one who has given me the gift of true joy.

I have found a man whose face, however oftentimes absent, brings me the utmost bliss whenever I think about it, and whose voice stirs up both the most tender and sensual feelings when I hear it.

It is entirely impossible for me to portray how deeply my love flows. But I feel compelled to try, because I know that even the sweetest, most beautiful words and meter are but a mere taste of the honey that is our love.

I never thought I would know such a love nor be known through the same love.

En route to Beirut

So, I left yesterday for Lebanon.

I hopped a plane from Cleveland to Dulles in DC, then to London, where I am currently in the business lounge, and will be departing for Beirut after a 5 hour layover.

Happily, my father used his frequent flier miles to secure my tickets, so I get first class and business class nearly the entire way. It's wonderful! Great food and BIG sleeping space! Yess!

I must admit that leaving was much more difficult than I had ever expected.

You see, Christian came to spend a week with me. He came Monday evening on a Greyhound from Pittsburgh to Akron, where My 'lyssa and I picked him up, and stayed until seeing me off at the airport.

It was horribly difficult leaving him, which I did not expect at all. I think it has something to do with us perhaps not being able to talk during the entire month of July. But he bought me a webcam so that we can chat (and so I can talk to Alyssa :-P ).

I am extremely excited to be going to Lebanon, though!

I am so ready to start studying Arabic again, for real.

And intensive Lebanese dialect courses! Hell yes!

I am so full of emotion.

So much emotion.

Many kinds.

I'm splitting at the seams.

I truly am.