MOLLY, LOOK! A Non Mopey, Cryptic, Shit-stained Post

So, per the request of Molly, I am updating again.

I know I haven't written much lately. I've been very emotionally agitated of late.

I hope to change that. When I'm extremely upset, I tend to write in my personal journal, because it helps me sort things out and is a very valuable outlet to me. That's what's been going on, but I believe I feel the winds changing.

This weekend was absolutely spectacular!

Molly and Aarthi were amazing enough to drive me up to BW to see Christian. And it was a fucking epic trip! Saturday, WE WENT TO THE FUCKING CLEVELAND ZOO THEN SAW ZOMBIELAND THEN WENT TO DENNY'S FOR BRINNER! Between the three of us, Christian, and Hiram, we completely demolished 5 Grand Slams. It was glorious. Incredibly fun, and I got the chance to spend time with my Love and to talk to him about some important things.

Needless to say, after being manic since Tuesday, I was fucking down in the shit today after returning. But Jacob really helped me out, and helped me distract myself. Although the hardest part for me is about to come--going to bed alone. But I will conquer it. I will push myself to get through the tough parts and, if absolutely necessary, use external stimuli (chocolate, caffeine, potatoes, friends, etc.) to continue on. I can do this. I know I can.

We're working things out.

I've come to realize that my emotional instability and intense mood swings are the main threats to our relationship. I'm working on that. I'm working on being less of a control freak. I'm working on articulating what I can figure out from my confusing and frustrating feelings. He's working on making time to talk to me more. We're doing our best, and I think it's working--I just needed to give it some time. Things are definitely improving and may continue to do so. I love him so completely.

I see my therapist for the first time Tuesday. And my shrink again Thursday. I think I'm going to ask him to refer me to the Integrative Medicine center instead of seeing him. I don't really trust him, and I'm not particularly sure I'm really ok with the psychiatric medication he thinks I should try. We'll see what he says, but I do believe that meditation--not medication--would be more useful in treating my anxiety. I'm not overly fond of taking a potentially dependence-causing sedative to fix that problem. And I'm still debating the medication for my mood disorders. We'll see. Things are going to happen, and I'm not going to give up. It interferes with my life too much for me to give up. And I have too many people supporting me for me to even consider throwing in the towel. I can do it, and they can help.

I'm hoping to go home this upcoming weekend.

I saw that it's parents' weekend at OSU, and I got really sad. I've been talking to my mom a lot more, lately. I think the distance was the best thing for our relationship. We've been actually getting along! And I have felt the need to call her when depressed. In fact, I want to call her now, but I know it's too late, being 2am. And I miss my sister. My dad's in Thailand, at the moment, and I don't know when he'll be back, but I would love to see my sister cheer on Friday, and my favorite uncle's coming to the game to see her, so I would love to see him, as well! Then I might try to go to BW for Saturday night, spend the night, then leave Sunday morning so I can meet my family for lunch after church. Then spend Sunday with them. I also have to study for my globalization midterm, which is on Monday, but I will have time.

I can do this. I am confident. I need to push through the depression.

I have my Love, my friends, my family, and myself.

I can do this.

My love to you all, though I may not know you.

Everyone deserves to be loved, if only by a stranger. <3