All Over the Place

My mood is all over the place.
Perhaps it's because I haven't taken my pills for days now.
Oh, that reminds me. I've gotta remember to pack those. Well, damn.

I mean, I'm really not looking horribly forward to this vacation, but I talked to my mom on the phone today, and she simply reassured me that she and Amanda and I are all on the same boat. I said something about not knowing how many books to bring, and she was like "Amanda and I were just trying to figure that out, too!"

So yes. That's making me feel much better.

I'm just going to try to look at the "vacation" as an adventure and some quality time with my sister. And with Beckie Cousin and Matt! That'll be swell! :)


I've had a pretty good day. Last night was tough, but today has been better. I've baked 2 cakes in 4 days, so I'm certainly gaining weight. But I figure once the novelty of cooking and actually having a kitchen wears off (and my Easter candy finally runs out!), I'll resume my typical eating habits. :-P

It's so nice to have Molly here. She's an absolute joy and hilarious to live with.

Like I said, today has been fantastic. We just finished watching Boogie Nights, which followed a couple hours of Scrubs and baking/eating a Funfetti cake with chocolate fudge frosting! And before that, Chipotle! (for the first time in QUITE awhile!) And before that, we watched Jesus camp (naturally a beer was necessary to get us through it.) And during the Scrubs episodes, I sewed 2 belts! I just have 1 to go!

So why don't I stop confusing you by going backwards, shall I?

Anyway, I've had a very productive and enjoyable day. Haven't had a chance to touch my guitar or flute yet, but I hope to in July. And I haven't finished the book I'm currently reading, which I wanted to finish before going home Monday, but I probably won't. I'll just be sure to finish it before I leave for Italy.

Tomorrow (today?), I need to pack, tidy up the apartment a little bit, and THE NEW PORNOGRAPHERS SHOW IN THE EVENING!!!!
I will probably make myself mac n cheese for breakfast, haha. Love it!

Anyway, I need to go wash my feet, get ready for bed, and do some reading. Hopefully kitten cuddles will follow.

Goodnight, my dear (and few) readers! <3

So What Happened To Bulletproof Weeks in Your Arms?

This week is definitely going better than last.
Which is good, because it has turned out to be hell week for a lot of other people, so I'm glad I'm stable and able to help them.

I think really the only bad part about the week has been yesterday, finding out that I don't actually have a ride back to Columbus after going to Berea to spend the weekend with Christian.
So, I spent about 2 or 3 hours at work yesterday, panicking, writing on so many different people's facebooks, emailing people, texting people, crying and feeling so sad, because if I couldn't find a ride home, there's no way I could go at all, the one weekend we'd been planning to spend together since September, and also my birthday weekend. Yes, uberfail.
BUT, the wonderful and fantastic Chris saved my ass. He's going home tp Mentor for the weekend, and agreed to pick me up from BW and take me back with him Sunday night. I am SO RELIEVED! And SO HAPPY!

Oddly enough, despite all that stress, the resolution of the problem made me in a really good mood for Arabic! I am doing fine in class, nothing like at the beginning, though the 10 page final paper (written in Arabic) is gonna be a huuuge bitch, but I still dread going. Oh well. I just push myself, and it's never as bad as I expect. Dunno why I can't just convince myself that I work hard enough that it's not horrible. Oh well.

Anyway, it's an exciting week. I've been in a good mood since Sunday. Talking really helped clear things up, and make me feel better. Hopefully it made us both feel better. I mean... Yeah, we've had out 5-minute squabbles that end in me crying and feeling bad for being a bitch, but hey, nothing's gonna get better instantaneously. It's progress, and that's all we're aiming for at the moment. We are going to spend a lot of time together this weekend (though I suspect much of that will be exhaustedly sleeping from the late nights we'll be spending watching movies and going to costume parties). But yes. I'm hopeful. Not dejected as before. And that's a huge improvement for me.

Since I'm in such a good mood, I'm feeling motivated! I've actually gotten all my homework for this week done. I'm going to do some reading for Monday's globalization class tonight. And might actually go to Dems! Haha I've been skipping so many because of the mounds of homework I had to deal with, which was actually a result of the lack of motivation. And tonight's a costume contest. Dunno if I should really participate, since my costume is a slutty Alice in Wonderland... But we'll see. Perhaps I'll throw on some shitty sunglasses and a mismatched shoe and go as "Indie-Hipster." What I'm wearing today already works. :-P

I have an Arabic report due next Thursday, a regular assignment which is due every two weeks. Perhaps I'll feel motivated to work on it tonight? I could just start writing when I think of something. Or I could write it next week and talk about everything that happened this weekend. That would work, too. We'll see. But I know I should do it now that I'm motivated, since I probably will be pretty depressed Monday and Tuesday, due to leaving Christian. But there's a chance that he might come to OSU next weekend, so hopefully I won't be *too* down.

[I can't remember if I already wrote this, but...] I got a second job. It's at a food place on campus. And even next year, though it closes late, I will be able to catch a bus that goes close to home. And Aarthi's getting me pepper spray for my birthday, so I'll be set! (Molly apparently ordered my gift today... I'm afraid.) But yes. I'm relieved to have another job. On campus is really the way to go. I also applied for a bartending position yesterday, but that's a longshot. Only time will tell. :)

Tomorrow night, Aarthi, Al, and I are going to see a live production of Rocky Horror at our favorite gay club. And we are ALL dressing up. Yes, even Aarthi! I am pumped! After the show, Al and I are going to drive back north. He'll drop me off at BW and I'll be with my L. I am very excited.

Speaking of Christian, I had a dream about him last night. FINALLY a good dream. I've had nightmares for far too long.

Ok, that was written in one of the breaks which is necessary in order to not go insane while doing nothing but cataloging for countless hours. Back to work!

My Love goes out to you all <3

Bulletproof Weeks.
Matt Nathanson.

MOLLY, LOOK! A Non Mopey, Cryptic, Shit-stained Post

So, per the request of Molly, I am updating again.

I know I haven't written much lately. I've been very emotionally agitated of late.

I hope to change that. When I'm extremely upset, I tend to write in my personal journal, because it helps me sort things out and is a very valuable outlet to me. That's what's been going on, but I believe I feel the winds changing.

This weekend was absolutely spectacular!

Molly and Aarthi were amazing enough to drive me up to BW to see Christian. And it was a fucking epic trip! Saturday, WE WENT TO THE FUCKING CLEVELAND ZOO THEN SAW ZOMBIELAND THEN WENT TO DENNY'S FOR BRINNER! Between the three of us, Christian, and Hiram, we completely demolished 5 Grand Slams. It was glorious. Incredibly fun, and I got the chance to spend time with my Love and to talk to him about some important things.

Needless to say, after being manic since Tuesday, I was fucking down in the shit today after returning. But Jacob really helped me out, and helped me distract myself. Although the hardest part for me is about to come--going to bed alone. But I will conquer it. I will push myself to get through the tough parts and, if absolutely necessary, use external stimuli (chocolate, caffeine, potatoes, friends, etc.) to continue on. I can do this. I know I can.

We're working things out.

I've come to realize that my emotional instability and intense mood swings are the main threats to our relationship. I'm working on that. I'm working on being less of a control freak. I'm working on articulating what I can figure out from my confusing and frustrating feelings. He's working on making time to talk to me more. We're doing our best, and I think it's working--I just needed to give it some time. Things are definitely improving and may continue to do so. I love him so completely.

I see my therapist for the first time Tuesday. And my shrink again Thursday. I think I'm going to ask him to refer me to the Integrative Medicine center instead of seeing him. I don't really trust him, and I'm not particularly sure I'm really ok with the psychiatric medication he thinks I should try. We'll see what he says, but I do believe that meditation--not medication--would be more useful in treating my anxiety. I'm not overly fond of taking a potentially dependence-causing sedative to fix that problem. And I'm still debating the medication for my mood disorders. We'll see. Things are going to happen, and I'm not going to give up. It interferes with my life too much for me to give up. And I have too many people supporting me for me to even consider throwing in the towel. I can do it, and they can help.

I'm hoping to go home this upcoming weekend.

I saw that it's parents' weekend at OSU, and I got really sad. I've been talking to my mom a lot more, lately. I think the distance was the best thing for our relationship. We've been actually getting along! And I have felt the need to call her when depressed. In fact, I want to call her now, but I know it's too late, being 2am. And I miss my sister. My dad's in Thailand, at the moment, and I don't know when he'll be back, but I would love to see my sister cheer on Friday, and my favorite uncle's coming to the game to see her, so I would love to see him, as well! Then I might try to go to BW for Saturday night, spend the night, then leave Sunday morning so I can meet my family for lunch after church. Then spend Sunday with them. I also have to study for my globalization midterm, which is on Monday, but I will have time.

I can do this. I am confident. I need to push through the depression.

I have my Love, my friends, my family, and myself.

I can do this.

My love to you all, though I may not know you.

Everyone deserves to be loved, if only by a stranger. <3