Last Hours in Beirut

I am down to 3 hours in Beirut--or at least in Beirut outside of the airport--and I am spending them by catching up on emails and facebook and surveys and listening to music, soon I will embark upon finishing my copy of Palahniuk's Pygmy (so I can put it in my checked bag instead of carry-on... damn hardcover books!). The roommates are all out at the Pussycat Dolls concert and, though I'm definitely not a fan, I probably would've gone had I not been worried that I'd miss my driver to the airport. As Alyssa put it, "i think that would be a fun concert to go to if you were deaf. you know? just standin there watching the skanky ladies skank around."

Anyway, school ended very well today. I have completed the SINARC Summer 2009 program AND GOT A B+ ON MY FINAL EXAM IN FOUSHA!!! I'm ecstatic! And I was told that I did well in 3amiyya, so I am sooo happy!

I have had a wonderful time living with Kirsten again after 2 years and meeting so many new people. We really had a blast, and I absolutely love this city.

Honestly, sitting right here, reflecting, about to read, is really one of the best ways to end my stay here. No drinking, no being crazy, just a relaxing expression of love to the city while I soak up my last hours of the Lebanon in which I have been living for the past 6 weeks. I honestly, honestly love it here. I will return, inshallah.

Those time zones are gonna fucking suck. Oh well. I have lots of books from Aarthi to keep me happy :)

I am ready to return to the US, though. So many things to get worked out, so much to enjoy.

And I'm ready to be where I belong, if only for a short time.

PS, I bought all 3 of those Ghada Samman books today. I'm happy. :)

OH, and by the way, of COURSE the Flaming Lips are coming to Columbus on Sept. 18, when I have FUCKING OWL-C SHIT TO DO! I've been waiting for over FOUR FUCKING YEARS! UGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! >.<

Exams? Bad. Day? GOOD!

Holy shit. (Do you notice that I start out posts like that a lot?)

ANYWAY!

Today has been epic--and it's only 5pm!

So, this morning were the dreaded final exams.

Fousha (classical/written) Arabic wasn't great... but none of my weekly exams are either, so whatever. I'm hoping for a B in that class, though I would be happy with a C+ or B-. I was really behind at the beginning and never really caught up, though not for lack of trying.

3amiyya (dialect), on the other hand, went rather well. I'm not worried about my grade in that one.

Now nearly all of our responsibilities are over and we can really enjoy our last days in Beirut, guilt-free.

Today, we had an adventure.

Anoush and Kirsten had been wanting to go to the archeological museum at AUB and to check out the campus, so I decided to go along (by the way, if and when I return to Lebanon, I am studying there. No questions asked. Fucking amazing).

Then we stopped at McDonald's. Mc-Fucking-Donald's. In Lebanon.

I continued my "ice cream every day" vow, which Anoush broke yesterday, by having an Oreo McFlurry. It was so funny being in such an American place in the middle of the Middle East. And when I say American, I mean American. They played Shakira. No joke.

As we walked back, there was this little bookshop that caught our eye. So we went in. I'd been wanting to buy the book كوابيس بيروت by غادة السمان while I was here, but didn't know where to go/was really nervous about asking about it. I don't know, I have a strange shyness that comes out at random times, even in the US. But this shop was so small and had so much character and was so cluttered that I didn't think he'd know if he had the book (I mean, the Cosmo on the rack was from January), but when we asked him about it (uhhh I mean when Kir asked >.<) he walked over and picked it up and said "Ghada's a family friend." I was so thrilled! He also had ليلة المايار so I may buy that one, too. I asked him about بيروت 75 but he couldn't remember if he had it, so I'm going to back tomorrow by myself after he checks for it to just sit and talk with him for awhile. He asked what state I was from in America and when I told him Ohio, he told me that his brother was married to the daughter of the head of the Lebanese community in Toledo (though he has since passed away), so I'm hoping to go chill with this guy tomorrow and see what kind of information I can get (plus discount? haha). This is the kind of thing I should've been doing all along. The people here are so nice. I hope I get the chance to come back. I love it here.

Then we stopped at the liquor store so I could buy a bottle of Arak to share with Christian and his sister Jessie and her boyfriend Mason. Upon telling Sam the liquor man, with whom we have forged quite a friendship, that my friends had used my playing cards for drinking games and had completely saturated them with alcohol, he gave me a brand new set of cards for free! I'm pumped, haha.

On a more serious note, I keep noticing things about myself (besides the fact that I'm legitimately gaining weight and have a gruesomely distorted body image).

Today I noticed that I shy away from conflict a lot more than I used to.

And it's not because I'm really shy or something of the sort. It's because I see no point in making things more difficult for myself, because I know calling most people out will cause them to behave differently or be assholes and make my life difficult and not act the same way towards me. I'm not like that. I am civil no matter what. But that's how I am. If I know I'm in a situation where I can't avoid people who I know will behave in that way, I keep things bottled up, no matter how much I despise those people, until the time of close proximity is over or at least drawing to a close. This happened with a roommate last year at OSU, and it happened here with someone in my classes, and a more calm version is also occuring with someone else in my classes here. Oh well. I mean, I bottle up and explode. I have great self-control in most situations and am not nearly as confrontational as I used to be, but I do get to a point where certain types of people annoy me to a certain extent where I completely can't handle how they are treating other people anymore, not just me. I dunno. Just an observation.

Anyway, still thinking about that car thing. Also thinking that paying $700+ to have it shipped over to Ohio in a trailer is a much better idea than going over and driving back. I was looking at other used cars online, too, but I'll get a good deal from my cousin and I'll know that he took care of the car, as opposed to getting a shitty used car from some sleeze. But I'm kinda worried about having enough money to go study abroad or pay for school if I get that car. I can pay for it in full (most of the rest of my savings) and have gotten insurance quotes online and know I can pay those, but I'm still not sure. Ugh I dunno. Any comments and/or suggestions are more than welcome.

Well, I'm leaving very soon. I'm ready to go, though I do think it was just the program getting to me and not the city or country.

There's a lot of family shit I'm getting back into, though. I don't get along with my mom, so that's always a challenge, though I've been making much more of an effort. My dad's currently in Thailand and was supposed to get back tomorrow, but isn't anymore. Then he's being sent back out to Indonesia at the end of September, so that's really messing with my mom. And, to top that off, my sister's going to be on a church camping trip when I get back and doesn't get back until Sunday night... So I have all Sunday that's just Mom and me. Hopefully nothing bad happens... The night I get back, though, my plane lands at 7:15pm and I won't have slept for 2 days, so My Alyssa is coming over to watch Girl, Interrupted (since I had her read the book) to keep me awake until a good time to go to sleep, haha. I can't wait. Then Monday, I leave to go to PA until Friday, when I come back to DD Al around for his 21st birthday, then Saturday's family day (Dad should be back?), then Sunday, I start work again. I'm hoping I'm not scheduled morning so I can go to church to see Mary, then chilling with Christen to celebrate her birthday and do some epic catching up.

Haha random text I got from my mom today that I found funny: FyI we will b having dinner with Uncle Pat nonni poppi & Warrenon Sept 5. CHRISTIAN is welcome 2 come. Amanda wont b there.

Ok, well, we have a bottle of Malibu coconut rum, a partial bottle of Skyy Vodka, and a few shots of tequila left, so peace out!

Feel free to text my email before 5 or 6pm your time to get some crazy drunktexts back :-P

Hours left in Beirut: 32

A Turn for the FANTASTIC!!!

Holy shit! The past 15 hours have been the most fantastic 15 hours that could come in rapid succession--and I was asleep for 7 of them!

For one, Ben made a fantastic dinner. Our last homemade meal in Beirut :(

Another is that Christian jogged 2 miles to get a place where he could get internet, so I got to chat with him online. That was great, of course.

The big thing, though, is that I feel like my life is finally starting to take on a shape of its own.

You see, I was talking to my cousin-in-law online yesterday about everything, about my parents, what I'm planning on doing, my ideas. I've been considering declaring myself an independent, I've been thinking about living with my adopted family across town, I've been thinking about moving to Columbus altogether. I'm thinking definite no on declaring myself an independent because I need insurance and I'll only have insurance through OSU during the school year. And the main other reason I haven't done anything else is that I rely on my parents for transportation, both to and from school as well as when home so I can get to work, see friends, etc.

While talking, he said, "I wish there were a way to get my 97 Civic DX to you." BOOM! PERFECT OPPORTUNITY!

I asked him how much he wanted for it, and he said "Well, you take some time to think about it and name a price, and we'll go from there."

So, Christian spent all of his time online searching for prices of the car with that mileage and getting auto insurance quotes. He really is the most fantastic man I've ever met. When I have a little idea, he pushes me to look into it and not just brush it off and call it impossible. He takes his own time to do some of the busywork to get me to really see that it's not a stupid idea and that I really am capable of improving my life. He is amazing, and I love him madly.

Anyway, the plan would be to fly out to California sometime before my cousins move from LA to London (we'll miss a few days of school but oh well) and spend a couple days with my cousins, then drive back to Ohio from California.

We were hoping to go to London during spring break to see them, but this is well worth missing it. There will be other years we can go to London to visit. Then during spring break, we can drive down to Florida to visit my grandparents then spend the rest of it in NC with his dad! I am so excited by life and its opportunities. :)

The main problem is that OSU stopped their transportation to the off-campus OSU library where I work.... So I may not be able to keep my job there....

But I have time. They're not moving for awhile, so I can get back to school in September and see how things work out.

Gas won't be too bad because I probably won't use it unless I'm driving home or to see Christian. So that's good.

If I do this, I will officially be broke as fuck, but in the long-run, it'll probably be a good thing.

And then something else happened today.... YAY!!!!! xD

I am so happy I absolutely cannot contain myself. So thrilled. Things are finally moving forward!

Now, I just need to harvest my happiness and energy to study for these intense final exams I have tomorrow... EIHH!!!

Miles from LA to Ohio: 2,356

Days left in Beirut: 2.5

Beirut*Love

First Final Monday

So, last night was interesting.

I dunno. I don't really have much to say besides I still hate who I am when I'm drunk and wish that certain things never occurred, such as that creeper sitting down to talk to me while trying to convince me to fuck him and I somehow gave him my phone number? so Anoush is going to be answering my phone in Armenian because I saved his number as "Creepy Guy Ick" so I know not to answer/respond, among other things.

I didn't do anything stupid, I just hate who I am when drinking heavily.

Ugh I dunno. What a night.

And apparently I sent some drunktexts to Christian that really worried him, then apparently called him while I was drunk and about to go to bed (with Anoush overseeing and helping me get it all to work), and I honestly don't remember what I said to him or if he even picked up, but Anoush told me that I pretty much said "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over again and cried and didn't really say anything else coherent. Soo... yeahh... so much for making him not worried about me. Gah I dunno.

I never sleep when I'm drunk. Totally opposite from most people, I know, but I just laid in bed awake all night. Fucking horrible. It was a good thing I went home from class yesterday and did nothing but sleep until we got ready to leave for the Hard Rock Café. But I have a huge final exam on Thursday that is going to be killer and an Arabic narration to memorize plus I want to enjoy my last week in Beirut. So frustrating. Exhausted and knowing there's nothing left is difficult. (But to do something worthwhile, Anoush and I have decided to get ice cream at least once a day during our last week.) I dunno. So difficult. So frustrating.

I'm ready to go home, honestly. I'm ready to go to PA to see Christian. I'm ready to start to make money again. I'm ready to study on my own time for a bit. I'm ready to see my friends, especially my sissy and my 'lyssa. I'm ready to have non-shitty internet. I'm ready to be able to text my friends and not find out about all the shit that has happened at one time. I'm ready to be rid of all this drama. I'm ready, and that is that. I love Lebanon and Beirut, but it's time to go.

Programs like this make me really happy I don't get emotionally attached to people easily.

Also. I found out I'm allergic to Kahlua. Awesome. NOT. >.<

The Final Week

It's hard to believe that 1 week from right now, I will be back in the US.

I have had such a fantastic time here, and I love Lebanon so much.

I must admit I'm ready to go home, but mostly because I miss my friends, especially Christian and my Alyssa, but I know that once I'm home, I'll hate it because it's the same old situation. But at least I won't be so out of the loop! So much has happened to my friends while I've been gone. Not being able to communicate with them has been really tough.

I am excited to really use every moment of this upcoming week and hold it to its highest possibility. I'm going to take advantage of every opportunity with which I am presented. I am so optimistic, and it's mostly because I know that this week is going to go so fast that I won't have time to miss Christian so much that it's disruptive, so I'm all excited. Because I know the week will go fucking fast and that I will soon be in his arms where I belong.

I fucking love Beirut. And all the people I've met here.

This has been a fantastic opportunity and I'm so grateful that I had the chance and means to take advantage of it.

With my love <3

2 Weeks Left :'-(

Holy shit.

I feel like I just hit the half-way mark.

Where the hell has the last week gone?!

I'm so torn about my time in Beirut coming to a close.

I absolutely love it here. Beirut is so amazing. And studying Arabic and also being in a place where I can practice it (despite the fact that everyone here speaks English) is great.

But I'm ready to get back to making money, not just spending it.

I'm ready to be done with school for awhile.

I'm ready to see Christian and Alyssa again.

What stinks is that I know I'll be going home to my family and having to deal with all that. I miss my sister, but I'm not fond of it.

It's so internally conflicting.

It's nice that I don't have to make a decision, that I'm for certain returning to the US on August 1st, but it doesn't help that I love it here so much and hate it there so much that it'll be so difficult. Not just to adjust to being in the States again, but to being with my family again.

I must admit, I am absolutely thrilled to be able to go spend nearly a week in PA with Christian as soon as I get home, then return home to cart Al around for his booze-filled 21st bday, but still. The rest of the situation is hard.

I am really worried that I won't have enough time.

I'm hoping it's like when I was home for a week before leaving for Lebanon, where I had a list of people I needed to see and didn't expect to see them all, yet somehow managed to do so.

But once I get home, I'll be working again.

Trying to get as many hours as possible.

Seeing lots of movies, and by lots I mean Transformers 2, Public Enemies, and Harry Potter (AS MANY TIMES AS POSSIBLE!), not to mention those people who are going to want me to take them to see them so they can get in for free...

I have people I need to see like Craig, who just got back from Japan, Trudgen, Al, and Emily, Christian, and of course, my 'lyssa.

Oh, right. And my family.

And since I don't start school until September, I'm hoping to go spend every free weekend moment with Christian and Trudgen at BW.

ALL being balanced around my work schedule!

I hope it all works out.

I have a feeling I'll be getting even less sleep than I do during the school year, but at least my brain will get a chance to rest, right?

Oh wait. I need to study Arabic so I can use this program to skip some classes and take a placement test as soon as I get back to OSU. Shit.

Oh well. I'll live. I can do it! I know I can. And even if I fail, I will have enjoyed it immensely. :)

Fuck, this upcoming school year is going to be a bitch. I need to get another job, especially since I want to visit my cousin in London during spring break and will be paying for gas to go visit Christian during the school year.

Bye bye piercings and tattoos. I really wanted that one in Latin. :-\

But I'm going to keep my chin up!

There are so many good shows coming around:

-->Perhaps mewithoutYou in Akron on August 17

-->Modest Mouse August 24 in Columbus with Christian

-->Show-hopping in Coventry on September 13 with Christian (the day before I move to Columbus)

-->Arctic Monkeys on September 28 at the Newport

-->Dinosaur Jr. October 10 at the Newport with James

-->Lewis Black October 17 in Philidelphia with Christian and Trudge (hopefully)

Plus whatever I get to see when in the UK in March!

C'est la vie :)

Good Day!

I am having such a fantastic day, today!

I don't know if it's a manic mood or just wonderful in comparison to yesterday, but I'm going with it!

Took a test in Arabic class today. Didn't go too horribly! I'm happy! (Though I may think it went well beacuse I had 2 cups of coffee beforehand.... CAFFINE!)

Though I drank for 9 hours straight yesterday, I got 2/3 of a project done--and done well! I'm so excited! I'm oddly productive when I drink alone.... yeahhhhhhh.

So pumped about life right now!

Gonna go get some studying done.

Chillin' and such tonight.

Heading off to Tripoli tomorrow.

Then the Cedars for some hiking on Sunday.

Had a lot of fun talking about tentative plans to go to London during spring break.... I really hope it works out!

HOLY SHIT I ONLY HAVE 2 WEEKS LEFT IN LEBANON!

HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN?! ;;

Wellll time to make the most of it! ;)

Instability

The thing I hate most about mental and emotional instability is that, even though I'm always honest, people don't believe me when I say I don't know/remember what they're talking about, but when I really, truly do remember something significant, they call me a liar.

Fact: I am manipulative

The problem is, I don't mean to be.

I know how to be very manipulative and have been in the past, occasionally revisiting it, but it has been brought to my attention that I still manipulate people--and I'm not meaning to.

While here in Beirut, after toning down my behavior and personality much more than I intended, it has been pointed out that I am being manipulative. The worst part is, I honestly don't know what I did, what I'm doing. So all I can do now is be careful and watch what I'm saying and the actions I'm perfoming. I'm going to do my best, but that means nothing coming from me because I haven't been able to figure it out for 7 years. That doesn't mean I'll sure as hell try.

And now I wonder: is that exactly what I did that caused me to lose my best friend of 14 years?

I'm sorry.

I never would've thought it would come to this.

بيروت

I love Beirut more with each passing day.

I've fallen in love with this city and country.

I don't want to return home.

I don't ever want to leave.

Greetings from Beirut!

It's Monday, the day of further information and placements.

I have been in Beirut for 48 hours, and I love it. It doesn't quite feel like home yet, nor am I completely comfortable going out and about, but a feigned sense of confidence goes a long way, although I must admit that the constant honking of the taxis trying to get us to take rides in them is very annoying. But I can already tell that it will feel like home very quickly.

When I first got here, the drive through the city from the airport was phenomenal. It was so cool to see everything, all the marketing they have. Everything is in Arabic and French and English. So what I don't know in Arabic, which is a lot, I can devise from the other two languages.

Upon arrival, I was taken from the airport to the apartment building by a driver. We were originally going to be staying in the Lebanese American University dorms, but there are twice as many students this year as last year (110 as compared to about 60) and school at the university has not concluded for the year (final exams are this week), so we are in a building with flats about a 5 minute walk from LAU. Some students are on campus and the overflows are in two different apartment complexes near the university campus. My building is right next to the Commodore Hotel (where the reporters were housed during the war), so if I ever get lost, I can find my way home easily!

I got my room assignment, and went up to my room at about 11:30pm. I found out that Kirsten and I were not living together, and my dispair was inconceivable. I met one of the roommates, who is very nice, then found out what room Kir was living in. Luckily, she was in the same building AND my next door neighbor, so I wrote a post-it note and put it in her room telling her that I'm next door and to come wake me up when she arrives at 4am, which she did, what a lovely girl! The next morning, I asked the landlord, who is the most fantastic older man EVER!, if I could switch rooms and he told me to do it quietly, hahaha. So now I'm living with Kirsten!!!!

That first night, though. I was really despondent. I unpacked and got to bed, and the other two girls in the room had gone out to the club district, and I just laid there and cried. I was so weary and sad. I didn't feel overwhelmed, and didn't really feel like I was so far from home, but I was really, very sad to have left Christian. It was a lot harder than I'd thought it would be to leave him. I wasn't homesick at all, nor was I missing my family far too much, but I was so emotional and wished I could be back with Christian. But I knew that, no matter where I was, I would be missing him the same and in the same emotional state, so I didn't think on it too much nor let it ruin my first night in Lebanon, though it was a lonely one.

The next morning, though, Sunday morning, before I moved into Kir's room, I woke up and my roommates left me alone in the room, and I was extremely lonely, wondering what I'd be doing all day. Kirsten had left, poor dear had her suitcase lost at JFK airport in New York, and so I went back home until she returned, then I moved in! But it was such a bad morning, but I was proud at how I didn't let it get me down and just decided to make do, despite my loneliness.

My roommates in Kir's room are FANTASTIC! Especially this adorable girl from England named Zena. She's only 16, but she fits in just like a college kid! Most of the students in this program are late undergrad graduate students. Kir and I feel pretty young, but Zena's even younger! She, Kirsten, and I get along wonderfully, and are already picking up each other's accents despite the short amount of time we've been living together already.

The food here is great, and the shops and nightlife are spectacular! I don't know where the post office is, nor have I seen any postcards, so I think I'm not going to send any... Sorry!!!

We didn't get internet until now because the apartment complexes are brand new, but it is a great place. I have felt so disconnected from everybody. All I want to do is connect with everyone. I sent a brief email to Mom, Dad, and Christian the night I got in with the landlord's computer (he's such a sweetie!) but other than that, I have been completely cut off. I've been keeping busy exploring with my friends, however, and keeping a journal on my comptuer, writing little notes, and uploading photos. I am not taking nearly as many photos as I'd expected. I think it's because I don't want to seem like a tourist and blend in more on the streets, but whatever. I carry my camera with me everywhere, but rarely use it.

Souvenirs are an interesting thing. I don't have much room in my luggage for any, so I don't believe I'll be bringing much back. My apologies to everyone.

Today we took our placement test to see which level of Arabic I'll be placed in, and I think it went well, and I think there is a decent chance that Kir and I will be in the same class. I also had my Lebanese dialect class assessment, and will be starting in Level 2 dialect, because Level 1 is mostly for those completely new to the language. I got into Advanced Arabic I! Wow! It's going to be tough, but oh well.

Wellll I just found out that we're NOT getting internet... UGH I have stuff to do for OSU and would like to be in connection with everybody! So frustrating!

But at least I got all my placement tests done! Classes start tomorrow, and Kirsten, my friend Ben, and I are going to the Christian district of Beirut to see the neighborhood and all the buildings half-destroyed from the war.

Okie dokie! Time to go explore more!

I hope all is as well as it is here!