A Turn for the FANTASTIC!!!

Holy shit! The past 15 hours have been the most fantastic 15 hours that could come in rapid succession--and I was asleep for 7 of them!

For one, Ben made a fantastic dinner. Our last homemade meal in Beirut :(

Another is that Christian jogged 2 miles to get a place where he could get internet, so I got to chat with him online. That was great, of course.

The big thing, though, is that I feel like my life is finally starting to take on a shape of its own.

You see, I was talking to my cousin-in-law online yesterday about everything, about my parents, what I'm planning on doing, my ideas. I've been considering declaring myself an independent, I've been thinking about living with my adopted family across town, I've been thinking about moving to Columbus altogether. I'm thinking definite no on declaring myself an independent because I need insurance and I'll only have insurance through OSU during the school year. And the main other reason I haven't done anything else is that I rely on my parents for transportation, both to and from school as well as when home so I can get to work, see friends, etc.

While talking, he said, "I wish there were a way to get my 97 Civic DX to you." BOOM! PERFECT OPPORTUNITY!

I asked him how much he wanted for it, and he said "Well, you take some time to think about it and name a price, and we'll go from there."

So, Christian spent all of his time online searching for prices of the car with that mileage and getting auto insurance quotes. He really is the most fantastic man I've ever met. When I have a little idea, he pushes me to look into it and not just brush it off and call it impossible. He takes his own time to do some of the busywork to get me to really see that it's not a stupid idea and that I really am capable of improving my life. He is amazing, and I love him madly.

Anyway, the plan would be to fly out to California sometime before my cousins move from LA to London (we'll miss a few days of school but oh well) and spend a couple days with my cousins, then drive back to Ohio from California.

We were hoping to go to London during spring break to see them, but this is well worth missing it. There will be other years we can go to London to visit. Then during spring break, we can drive down to Florida to visit my grandparents then spend the rest of it in NC with his dad! I am so excited by life and its opportunities. :)

The main problem is that OSU stopped their transportation to the off-campus OSU library where I work.... So I may not be able to keep my job there....

But I have time. They're not moving for awhile, so I can get back to school in September and see how things work out.

Gas won't be too bad because I probably won't use it unless I'm driving home or to see Christian. So that's good.

If I do this, I will officially be broke as fuck, but in the long-run, it'll probably be a good thing.

And then something else happened today.... YAY!!!!! xD

I am so happy I absolutely cannot contain myself. So thrilled. Things are finally moving forward!

Now, I just need to harvest my happiness and energy to study for these intense final exams I have tomorrow... EIHH!!!

Miles from LA to Ohio: 2,356

Days left in Beirut: 2.5

Beirut*Love

First Final Monday

So, last night was interesting.

I dunno. I don't really have much to say besides I still hate who I am when I'm drunk and wish that certain things never occurred, such as that creeper sitting down to talk to me while trying to convince me to fuck him and I somehow gave him my phone number? so Anoush is going to be answering my phone in Armenian because I saved his number as "Creepy Guy Ick" so I know not to answer/respond, among other things.

I didn't do anything stupid, I just hate who I am when drinking heavily.

Ugh I dunno. What a night.

And apparently I sent some drunktexts to Christian that really worried him, then apparently called him while I was drunk and about to go to bed (with Anoush overseeing and helping me get it all to work), and I honestly don't remember what I said to him or if he even picked up, but Anoush told me that I pretty much said "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over again and cried and didn't really say anything else coherent. Soo... yeahh... so much for making him not worried about me. Gah I dunno.

I never sleep when I'm drunk. Totally opposite from most people, I know, but I just laid in bed awake all night. Fucking horrible. It was a good thing I went home from class yesterday and did nothing but sleep until we got ready to leave for the Hard Rock Café. But I have a huge final exam on Thursday that is going to be killer and an Arabic narration to memorize plus I want to enjoy my last week in Beirut. So frustrating. Exhausted and knowing there's nothing left is difficult. (But to do something worthwhile, Anoush and I have decided to get ice cream at least once a day during our last week.) I dunno. So difficult. So frustrating.

I'm ready to go home, honestly. I'm ready to go to PA to see Christian. I'm ready to start to make money again. I'm ready to study on my own time for a bit. I'm ready to see my friends, especially my sissy and my 'lyssa. I'm ready to have non-shitty internet. I'm ready to be able to text my friends and not find out about all the shit that has happened at one time. I'm ready to be rid of all this drama. I'm ready, and that is that. I love Lebanon and Beirut, but it's time to go.

Programs like this make me really happy I don't get emotionally attached to people easily.

Also. I found out I'm allergic to Kahlua. Awesome. NOT. >.<

The Final Week

It's hard to believe that 1 week from right now, I will be back in the US.

I have had such a fantastic time here, and I love Lebanon so much.

I must admit I'm ready to go home, but mostly because I miss my friends, especially Christian and my Alyssa, but I know that once I'm home, I'll hate it because it's the same old situation. But at least I won't be so out of the loop! So much has happened to my friends while I've been gone. Not being able to communicate with them has been really tough.

I am excited to really use every moment of this upcoming week and hold it to its highest possibility. I'm going to take advantage of every opportunity with which I am presented. I am so optimistic, and it's mostly because I know that this week is going to go so fast that I won't have time to miss Christian so much that it's disruptive, so I'm all excited. Because I know the week will go fucking fast and that I will soon be in his arms where I belong.

I fucking love Beirut. And all the people I've met here.

This has been a fantastic opportunity and I'm so grateful that I had the chance and means to take advantage of it.

With my love <3

The Hazards of Love

Every time I listen to the Decemberists' album The Hazards of Love, I cry.

It's much different from their previous records, I hadn't noticed the true beauty of it until I saw them perform it live in Columbus on June 1, 2009.

Ever since then, I am openly weeping by the end.

The story is wonderful, the way it is presented is even more so.

And when you have it playing in headphones, you can hear all the intricacies of each song (my favorite for this being An Interlude).

Holy Shit.

2 Weeks Left :'-(

Holy shit.

I feel like I just hit the half-way mark.

Where the hell has the last week gone?!

I'm so torn about my time in Beirut coming to a close.

I absolutely love it here. Beirut is so amazing. And studying Arabic and also being in a place where I can practice it (despite the fact that everyone here speaks English) is great.

But I'm ready to get back to making money, not just spending it.

I'm ready to be done with school for awhile.

I'm ready to see Christian and Alyssa again.

What stinks is that I know I'll be going home to my family and having to deal with all that. I miss my sister, but I'm not fond of it.

It's so internally conflicting.

It's nice that I don't have to make a decision, that I'm for certain returning to the US on August 1st, but it doesn't help that I love it here so much and hate it there so much that it'll be so difficult. Not just to adjust to being in the States again, but to being with my family again.

I must admit, I am absolutely thrilled to be able to go spend nearly a week in PA with Christian as soon as I get home, then return home to cart Al around for his booze-filled 21st bday, but still. The rest of the situation is hard.

I am really worried that I won't have enough time.

I'm hoping it's like when I was home for a week before leaving for Lebanon, where I had a list of people I needed to see and didn't expect to see them all, yet somehow managed to do so.

But once I get home, I'll be working again.

Trying to get as many hours as possible.

Seeing lots of movies, and by lots I mean Transformers 2, Public Enemies, and Harry Potter (AS MANY TIMES AS POSSIBLE!), not to mention those people who are going to want me to take them to see them so they can get in for free...

I have people I need to see like Craig, who just got back from Japan, Trudgen, Al, and Emily, Christian, and of course, my 'lyssa.

Oh, right. And my family.

And since I don't start school until September, I'm hoping to go spend every free weekend moment with Christian and Trudgen at BW.

ALL being balanced around my work schedule!

I hope it all works out.

I have a feeling I'll be getting even less sleep than I do during the school year, but at least my brain will get a chance to rest, right?

Oh wait. I need to study Arabic so I can use this program to skip some classes and take a placement test as soon as I get back to OSU. Shit.

Oh well. I'll live. I can do it! I know I can. And even if I fail, I will have enjoyed it immensely. :)

Fuck, this upcoming school year is going to be a bitch. I need to get another job, especially since I want to visit my cousin in London during spring break and will be paying for gas to go visit Christian during the school year.

Bye bye piercings and tattoos. I really wanted that one in Latin. :-\

But I'm going to keep my chin up!

There are so many good shows coming around:

-->Perhaps mewithoutYou in Akron on August 17

-->Modest Mouse August 24 in Columbus with Christian

-->Show-hopping in Coventry on September 13 with Christian (the day before I move to Columbus)

-->Arctic Monkeys on September 28 at the Newport

-->Dinosaur Jr. October 10 at the Newport with James

-->Lewis Black October 17 in Philidelphia with Christian and Trudge (hopefully)

Plus whatever I get to see when in the UK in March!

C'est la vie :)

Good Day!

I am having such a fantastic day, today!

I don't know if it's a manic mood or just wonderful in comparison to yesterday, but I'm going with it!

Took a test in Arabic class today. Didn't go too horribly! I'm happy! (Though I may think it went well beacuse I had 2 cups of coffee beforehand.... CAFFINE!)

Though I drank for 9 hours straight yesterday, I got 2/3 of a project done--and done well! I'm so excited! I'm oddly productive when I drink alone.... yeahhhhhhh.

So pumped about life right now!

Gonna go get some studying done.

Chillin' and such tonight.

Heading off to Tripoli tomorrow.

Then the Cedars for some hiking on Sunday.

Had a lot of fun talking about tentative plans to go to London during spring break.... I really hope it works out!

HOLY SHIT I ONLY HAVE 2 WEEKS LEFT IN LEBANON!

HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN?! ;;

Wellll time to make the most of it! ;)

Unstable Day

Today is one of those days, one of those days where I'm sad and upset for no reason whatsoever.

Today is one of those days that I hope to see lessen in number once I get some help.

I woke up a little crabbier than normal, which I suppose might've been an indication that it wasn't a good day, but I never let that bug me. I'm very much so not a morning person.

In class, I was extremely sad. Didn't know why. Very not content, and for me, contentedness is what I strive for. I kept going, hoping it was just the morning and that it would go away, but it didn't.

The more and more I sat in class, the more and more I thought, the more and more upset I became. I am on emotional overload. I keep thinking about everything, all at once. And I can't get any of it out of my mind. So I've had a drink in my hand since 3pm.

This happens all the time, for no apparent reason. I'm always trying to see if there was something that acted as a catalyst. Perhaps because I got to talk to Christian yesterday and had a wonderful conversation, made some plans, got excited about the future? Perhaps because I spoke to my mother and got permission to visit him in PA? Perhaps because I got to talk to my sissy? I have absolutely no idea. Those are the only things that differed from my norm, here.

Even last night, though, I should've seen it coming.

The freak out.

The one that caused me to call Christian for the second time that day, completely panicked and worried.

The one that had me talking to my friend Amanda online, asking all these questions about careers that I could use my Arabic major towards.

That one.

This instability, these emotional mood swings become more and more debilitating.

I've learned to push myself through them and to be as productive as possible during them, but they are still the most physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting things that I have ever had to deal with and are persistant. I have been dealing with this for years and am quickly approaching my breaking point.

Once I'm back in Columbus in September, everything will start to even out.

I will be going to the psychiatrist.

I will be continuing with my counselor.

I will hopefully be started on some meds because I'm convinced that this is a chemical imbalance. I've already done everything in my power to combat it within my own mind, and failed. It took me 7 years to reach the point where I admit that I can't do this myself and really need meds, even if just at the beginning. I am very much so looking forward to being rid of this curse.

But today, I am not.

It's not even 5pm.

I'm on my second drink.

Things are not going well.

Best Day!

Ohhh mannn I am having such a fantastic day!

Let's see.

So, this past weekend, we went to Syria. It was fucking amazing.

(Photos here & here -- a lot of them are bad angles of me, so just know that I'm not that chunky, haha)

Let me tell you, being stuck at the borders for 6-8 hours wasn't my choice of activities, but it was quite an experience.

And, after getting so little sleep it was like finals week at university, all my roomies and I skipped class yesterday. We went out to brunch instead. It was amazing. Then I called Christian and talked for 2 hours. It was fantastic. So wonderful to hear his voice again. I love Skype! It only cost me $2!!!! :D

Right now, I am done with class for the day (it's about 2:45pm here), feeling really happy, actually WANTING to study my Arabic (which is great because I did nothing yesterday!), about to go play guitar and have Brandon teach me a few new things (I miss mine so badly >.<), in such an emotionally happy and stable place because I got to talk to Christian and, though I miss him terribly and barely ever get to see him, I feel happy just thinking about the times we have gotten to spend together and how wonderful they have all been, I'm writing a lot, I'm stable at the moment, will be seeing a doctor as soon as I return to Columbus in September (hopefully things will start to help me cope soon), excited to make the most of my last 3 weeks in Beirut, excited to go home and be able to text my friends again (the lack of crazy texts from Jacob and Mollywobbles are making me sad), head out to PA to see my man, then return to Ohio to chauffeur Al around on his 21st birthday! Then back to work, but I WILL SEE TRANSFORMERS AND HARRY POTTER AS MANY TIMES AS I WANT FOR FREEEEE!!! I am finally getting excited about life. I am inconceivably happy to be happy, right now--I'm usually wonderfully grateful to be content! Oh, what a wonderful day. I hope it lasts!

Oh, and I will be ending out the day with my good friends Nutella and Bacardi. Mmm mmmm!

On another note, I keep having dreams about a certain person whom I will hereafter refer to as my "old friend." I don't know why. I keep dreaming about his family and all the times I'd spent with them and wishing the friendship hadn't ended the way it did and that I wish I knew how that ending came about. I don't know if it's a result of my memory issues or my instability in that I was being manipulative or passive-agressive or did something significant which has subsequently been suppressed by my memory. Or if it wasn't my fault at all and it was something he did or assumed or a misunderstanding altogether. I wish I knew. It pains me terribly, but hopefully I'll learn how to deal with it soon.

Anyway, I'm going to go play guitar! I am so excited! Then on to homework! I want ice cream >.<

It's been a long time, long time now

Since I've seen you smile

And I'll gamble away my fright

And I'll gamble away my time

And in a year, a year or so

This will slip into the sea

Well it's been a long time, long time now

Since I've seen you smile

The Only Thing

You are the only thing that has ever made me want to drink myself into oblivion.

Just thinking...

Sometimes I miss you so much it kills me.

I wish I knew what had happened.

I wish I knew what I did.

Or somehow make amends.

I feel like all those years have been wasted.

And all that comes from them is pain.