I have never felt so lost in my life.

And The Moment Will Come When Composure Returns

Unfortunately, that moment is not now.

I'm having a really hard time.
I don't know what to do.
I'm so overwhelmed.
With friends.
With school.
With fear.
With depression.
I want more.
I want it to be right.
Anything.
Everything is crumbling.

My wonderful 'lyssa has made the offer to come take me away from it all, but I don't know whether or not I should take it.
I feel like, if I go home this weekend, I should go see Christian to try to straighten things out.
Plus, I have a midterm Monday.
But I know I won't study for it until Sunday night.
So really? Does it matter?
Or am I looking elsewhere for help when I should be isolating myself?
Is it a situation where, unless I deal with this on my own, no progress will be made?
I really don't know.

I should stay home and deal with things... But I don't really have any reason to stay besides this midterm, do I?
I don't have that much homework, really.
Not any homework I'm planning on doing, anyway.
I'll probably just sleep or mope or waste my weekend away if I stay here...
I really don't know.

I wish I had a magic 8 ball. I need someone to make a decision for me.
I need a to-do list, at the very least.
The only plan I have for the weekend is going to the Skull Session Saturday morning. But that's not set in stone.

And I need sleep.
But the only way I can feel not-depressed and slightly motivated is if I use chemicals: caffeine or alcohol.
And if I do that, I don't sleep.
Fuck.

What do I do?
Please, my few loyal and not-so-loyal blog readers, help me.

Sleep the Clock Around
Belle & Sebastian

Color My Life with the Chaos of Trouble...

...'Cause anything's better than posh isolation.

Things are good today.

I did well on my globalization midterm.

Today in poli sci was a review for our midterm, which will take place on Monday.

Still hate my Arabic class.

Saw my therapist.

I hope he realizes that I'm sacrificing me feeling better for us.

I hope he appreciates that I'm putting "us" before "me".

I really hope he grasps the significance.

Starting to see another doctor on Friday.

I hope this works.

The copays are killing me.

Talked to him on the phone for a good hour and a half today.

Things seem to be progressing.

We're committed to trying.

We're not going to give up without a long, hard fight.

This is not one of those.

He is not one of those.

Finally, one who really cares.

Finally, one who's willing to work hard.

Finally, one who will sacrifice much.

Finally, one who truly loves.

Finally.

I now have music again!

Though I'm really sad that The Pirate Bay is down.

Somehow, while transferring all my music, all my Caribou got deleted.

Totally pissed.

Work tomorrow.

Gotta go to bed.

Gotta be up at 7am.

I am in love.

I am secure.

We are making plans.

For today.

For tomorrow.

For as long as we can.

And hoping we get there.

But if not,

We tried.

And enjoyed the ride.

That's all we can ask.

Of each other.

Of ourselves.

Of love.

The Boy with the Arab Strap.

Belle & Sebastian.

Breakable

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?

Things today have literally fallen to pieces.

Almost couldn't get myself out of bed to go to work.

Horrible things occurred while at work.

I'm left terrified and fearing a repeat of before.

And utterly dejected.

Fuck this.

We are breakable girls and boys.

Ingrid Michaelson

Too Tired for a Real Update

Sooo yeah. The title was pretty self-explanatory.

I have a globalization midterm tomorrow, for which I didn't start studying until about 6 hours ago.

This weekend was very good.

I went home. And surprised my Ishy xD

I miss her so much <3

Thursday night, Al came to visit. We saw the midnight showing of Where the Wild Things Are. It was fucking fantastic.

Then we drove home, making an obligatory Waffle House stop on the way.

I got home to Hudson around 5am.

Did a load of laundry.

Went to bed around 5:30.

My sister had no idea I was coming home. Mom did, she didn't.

I got up around 11:30am, and stood across the room behind my sister, while my mom said something to make her turn around.

Her response, her face; there are no words to describe.

Very long, loving hugging followed.

Then we went college food replenish shopping. Lots of tea.

Went to the football game that night to watch my sissy cheer. My uncle came, too! (Dad was still in Thailand).

After the game (and a post-cheering Wendy's run), I drove up to BW.

Got there around midnight.

Christian was in the shower, so his roommate had to let me in, haha. So funny. He's so chill.

Had an interesting evening, but a nice night. It's always amazing to just lie in bed with him. Sleeping in the same bed as someone I love is my favorite thing in the world. So simple, so innocent, so loving. I absolutely adore it.

Slept late. Went home.

Was depressed--it's one of those things were it's normal to be sad, but not normal to be so dehabilitatingly depressed. It almost makes me wonder if these 12 hour visits are really worth the stress. I know he'd understand. I dunno. I hope it's something that can be improved upon.

Went to see Whip It! with Ishy and Al Saturday night.

Slept.

Had breakfast with the Momma and Ishy Sunday morning.

Chilled.

Chilled with Mom.

Chilled with Mom and Ishy and her boyfriend Jeremy.

A friend brought me back to OSU, where I didn't study until I absolutely had to, due to slight depression caused by leaving my family.

I really missed them. I hadn't realized how much until they came to visit with my grandparents and uncle a few weeks ago.

And I'm getting along much better with my mother. I'm so glad.

This week:

Intro to Globalization midterm tomorrow

2 paid research studies

Arabic report

Poli Sci reading

Lots of Arabic to catch up on

Therapist appointment

I hope this helps.

In other news, I got my replacement portable hard drive! They really did come through. And instead of a refurbished one, they legit gave me a brand new one! I haven't had time to transfer anything yet, but yeah!

Anyway, off to bed. Fucking exhausted and have to be up at 7am for work.

My love is overflowing; it hurts a little.

MOLLY, LOOK! A Non Mopey, Cryptic, Shit-stained Post

So, per the request of Molly, I am updating again.

I know I haven't written much lately. I've been very emotionally agitated of late.

I hope to change that. When I'm extremely upset, I tend to write in my personal journal, because it helps me sort things out and is a very valuable outlet to me. That's what's been going on, but I believe I feel the winds changing.

This weekend was absolutely spectacular!

Molly and Aarthi were amazing enough to drive me up to BW to see Christian. And it was a fucking epic trip! Saturday, WE WENT TO THE FUCKING CLEVELAND ZOO THEN SAW ZOMBIELAND THEN WENT TO DENNY'S FOR BRINNER! Between the three of us, Christian, and Hiram, we completely demolished 5 Grand Slams. It was glorious. Incredibly fun, and I got the chance to spend time with my Love and to talk to him about some important things.

Needless to say, after being manic since Tuesday, I was fucking down in the shit today after returning. But Jacob really helped me out, and helped me distract myself. Although the hardest part for me is about to come--going to bed alone. But I will conquer it. I will push myself to get through the tough parts and, if absolutely necessary, use external stimuli (chocolate, caffeine, potatoes, friends, etc.) to continue on. I can do this. I know I can.

We're working things out.

I've come to realize that my emotional instability and intense mood swings are the main threats to our relationship. I'm working on that. I'm working on being less of a control freak. I'm working on articulating what I can figure out from my confusing and frustrating feelings. He's working on making time to talk to me more. We're doing our best, and I think it's working--I just needed to give it some time. Things are definitely improving and may continue to do so. I love him so completely.

I see my therapist for the first time Tuesday. And my shrink again Thursday. I think I'm going to ask him to refer me to the Integrative Medicine center instead of seeing him. I don't really trust him, and I'm not particularly sure I'm really ok with the psychiatric medication he thinks I should try. We'll see what he says, but I do believe that meditation--not medication--would be more useful in treating my anxiety. I'm not overly fond of taking a potentially dependence-causing sedative to fix that problem. And I'm still debating the medication for my mood disorders. We'll see. Things are going to happen, and I'm not going to give up. It interferes with my life too much for me to give up. And I have too many people supporting me for me to even consider throwing in the towel. I can do it, and they can help.

I'm hoping to go home this upcoming weekend.

I saw that it's parents' weekend at OSU, and I got really sad. I've been talking to my mom a lot more, lately. I think the distance was the best thing for our relationship. We've been actually getting along! And I have felt the need to call her when depressed. In fact, I want to call her now, but I know it's too late, being 2am. And I miss my sister. My dad's in Thailand, at the moment, and I don't know when he'll be back, but I would love to see my sister cheer on Friday, and my favorite uncle's coming to the game to see her, so I would love to see him, as well! Then I might try to go to BW for Saturday night, spend the night, then leave Sunday morning so I can meet my family for lunch after church. Then spend Sunday with them. I also have to study for my globalization midterm, which is on Monday, but I will have time.

I can do this. I am confident. I need to push through the depression.

I have my Love, my friends, my family, and myself.

I can do this.

My love to you all, though I may not know you.

Everyone deserves to be loved, if only by a stranger. <3

When I'm left with questions unasked and unanswered

Things are better.

Or at least on the way to getting better.

Hopefully this is real progress.

I don't know how much longer I can take it if it's not.

We'll see what happens.

Right now, there's homework to do.

Fuck. I need sleep.

Water to Wine.

Saintseneca.

But if God cries tears then drown me in them.

I had a dream about you last night. And your brother. I wish we could eat in Wendy's like we used to after church.

In other news, everything is continuing to fall apart.

And no progress is really happening to stop it.

No surprise there.

Saintseneca. God Bones.

The Fountain

All these years, all these memories, there's been you.

You pull me through time.

Cease to Begin

School's been on for a few weeks now.

Arabic is kicking my ass.

My other two classes are.... I have no fucking idea.

The new library is pretty, though.

A lot of depression.

A lot of mood swings.

A lot of cigarettes.

And now a lot of alcohol.

I thought I was done with that.

I though I'd learned my lesson.

Turns out, when shit doesn't get fixed, it gets worse.

Nothing actually resolves itself.

I feel like nothing ever gets resolved unless I do it myself.

That's how I feel right now.

That's why I'm so sad.

That's why I feel like it's falling apart.

I want to trust, but nothing gets done.

I can't handle nothing getting done.

I need more than that.

I don't know.

Band of Horses.

Cease to Begin.