Patience & Fear

This is something very stupid to say, and you'll just sit there and say DUH! but I'm scared. Very scared.

It's not necessarily the same fear as before--similar, but not the same.
I've never known a fear like this before, and I never thought I'd be in a situation where I would have to.

I'm moving to the crazy, most likely stupid fears, the ones I shouldn't be worrying about--at least that's what the outside would say.
I feel otherwise, nonetheless.
No matter what reassurance I get/will get, I will be like this for awhile. I will be paranoid.

I'm afraid to say or do something seemingly insignificant to fuck things up again. I'm very conscientious, but I'm still afraid that I will say or do something that I don't realize is a big deal at all, and I don't read well into text message responses, probably because I know I can't read into them, so there's that fear. When something happens, even if it isn't anyone's fault, I'm afraid. And when I don't get a reassuring text back after I explain what happened, I panic.

I wish I could say that I can't justify this fear, but I can. Monday showed that to me, although it was hardly insignificant, but I did not expect anything concerning Monday to have happened. And when it did, I didn't expect it to be taken the way it was. I don't know how to predict reactions anymore. People are so far removed and distracted and pushed to the edge that I don't know how they will respond to anything.

I am in dire need of constant reassurance.
It seems pathetic, and I would never have chosen myself to be this way, but I see it as a temporary condition.
It will alleviate itself gradually as the situation improves.

So I'm scared in a way that I thought I would never be because surely I would get out of the situation before it came to this.
But I'm here.
And just the fact that I'm willing to stay here should say something.
I hope it does.

What I need to be is patient.
That is the most important thing, right now.
That is what this situation calls for.
That is what I am being called on to be.
That is what I must do.
Unfortunately, it's not my strongsuit.

I am very considerate and logical and conscientious, but patient? No.
I'm trying really hard to be very accepting, right now.
Things are tough. For everybody. More so for others than myself.
I understand that.
Now I need to put that understanding into actions.
There are some things that bug me, that really bug me, that I will need changed eventually, but I know that right now is not the time to bring it up.
There are more important tasks at hand.
I am frustrated by some actions.
I am unsettled.
But it is not the time for resolving this.
They are minor things, mere annoyances and personal instabilities.
But others have enough to worry about right now.
I will suck it up and deal with these meager instabilities for awhile, for as long as is needed.
I am being very careful to not restrict anything to a time frame.
I'm allowing as much time as is possibly needed.

Nevertheless, I am scared.
I am afraid of the sudden changes of mind.
Nay, I am terrified.

I am opening myself up to be hurt again, making myself completely vulnerable.
And rather than fearing the pain, I fear the consequences.
I fear losing it.
I fear losing him.