Idiocy

I don't know why I thought it was a good idea.
I don't know what the fuck made me think I could handle it.

I went home this weekend, and it was one of the worst mistakes I've made in awhile.
I really went back to go to the Children's Play, which I enjoyed immensely! Well done!!!
But the weekend as a whole killed me.

I had a ton of fun! I brough Molly & Luke with me.
I spent some crazy awesome time with some of my dearest friends.
I got along really well with my family (living apart has been wonderful for both my mom and myself)
But being there was hard as hell.
Fucking impossible.

What the hell was I thinking?
How did I think that going back to a place in which nearly every single memory I have is tainted by his presence?
What the fuck did I think would happen?

I hadn't been able to figure out what I was feeling for a month.
I had no idea what I was doing, what I wanted.
Then last week, I finally got it straight.
I figured it out, I came to a conclusion.
Then I went home.
What the fuck was I thinking?

That city and every memory I come across while in it is poison.
This past year has created far too many.
It is lethal.

If I hadn't had Molly & Luke there, I don't know what I would've done.
The entire time I was there I wanted to do something destructive.
My feelings were so immensely painful that I needed to do something drastic just to appease my emotions.

The entire time I felt like I couldn't believe I was back there like that.
And all I wanted to do was either go to bed in peace or never return.
It was horrible.
Absolute hell.

I thought it was supposed to get easier.
I'm tired of being lied to.