MOLLY, LOOK! A Non Mopey, Cryptic, Shit-stained Post

So, per the request of Molly, I am updating again.

I know I haven't written much lately. I've been very emotionally agitated of late.

I hope to change that. When I'm extremely upset, I tend to write in my personal journal, because it helps me sort things out and is a very valuable outlet to me. That's what's been going on, but I believe I feel the winds changing.

This weekend was absolutely spectacular!

Molly and Aarthi were amazing enough to drive me up to BW to see Christian. And it was a fucking epic trip! Saturday, WE WENT TO THE FUCKING CLEVELAND ZOO THEN SAW ZOMBIELAND THEN WENT TO DENNY'S FOR BRINNER! Between the three of us, Christian, and Hiram, we completely demolished 5 Grand Slams. It was glorious. Incredibly fun, and I got the chance to spend time with my Love and to talk to him about some important things.

Needless to say, after being manic since Tuesday, I was fucking down in the shit today after returning. But Jacob really helped me out, and helped me distract myself. Although the hardest part for me is about to come--going to bed alone. But I will conquer it. I will push myself to get through the tough parts and, if absolutely necessary, use external stimuli (chocolate, caffeine, potatoes, friends, etc.) to continue on. I can do this. I know I can.

We're working things out.

I've come to realize that my emotional instability and intense mood swings are the main threats to our relationship. I'm working on that. I'm working on being less of a control freak. I'm working on articulating what I can figure out from my confusing and frustrating feelings. He's working on making time to talk to me more. We're doing our best, and I think it's working--I just needed to give it some time. Things are definitely improving and may continue to do so. I love him so completely.

I see my therapist for the first time Tuesday. And my shrink again Thursday. I think I'm going to ask him to refer me to the Integrative Medicine center instead of seeing him. I don't really trust him, and I'm not particularly sure I'm really ok with the psychiatric medication he thinks I should try. We'll see what he says, but I do believe that meditation--not medication--would be more useful in treating my anxiety. I'm not overly fond of taking a potentially dependence-causing sedative to fix that problem. And I'm still debating the medication for my mood disorders. We'll see. Things are going to happen, and I'm not going to give up. It interferes with my life too much for me to give up. And I have too many people supporting me for me to even consider throwing in the towel. I can do it, and they can help.

I'm hoping to go home this upcoming weekend.

I saw that it's parents' weekend at OSU, and I got really sad. I've been talking to my mom a lot more, lately. I think the distance was the best thing for our relationship. We've been actually getting along! And I have felt the need to call her when depressed. In fact, I want to call her now, but I know it's too late, being 2am. And I miss my sister. My dad's in Thailand, at the moment, and I don't know when he'll be back, but I would love to see my sister cheer on Friday, and my favorite uncle's coming to the game to see her, so I would love to see him, as well! Then I might try to go to BW for Saturday night, spend the night, then leave Sunday morning so I can meet my family for lunch after church. Then spend Sunday with them. I also have to study for my globalization midterm, which is on Monday, but I will have time.

I can do this. I am confident. I need to push through the depression.

I have my Love, my friends, my family, and myself.

I can do this.

My love to you all, though I may not know you.

Everyone deserves to be loved, if only by a stranger. <3

When I'm left with questions unasked and unanswered

Things are better.

Or at least on the way to getting better.

Hopefully this is real progress.

I don't know how much longer I can take it if it's not.

We'll see what happens.

Right now, there's homework to do.

Fuck. I need sleep.

Water to Wine.

Saintseneca.

But if God cries tears then drown me in them.

I had a dream about you last night. And your brother. I wish we could eat in Wendy's like we used to after church.

In other news, everything is continuing to fall apart.

And no progress is really happening to stop it.

No surprise there.

Saintseneca. God Bones.

The Fountain

All these years, all these memories, there's been you.

You pull me through time.

Cease to Begin

School's been on for a few weeks now.

Arabic is kicking my ass.

My other two classes are.... I have no fucking idea.

The new library is pretty, though.

A lot of depression.

A lot of mood swings.

A lot of cigarettes.

And now a lot of alcohol.

I thought I was done with that.

I though I'd learned my lesson.

Turns out, when shit doesn't get fixed, it gets worse.

Nothing actually resolves itself.

I feel like nothing ever gets resolved unless I do it myself.

That's how I feel right now.

That's why I'm so sad.

That's why I feel like it's falling apart.

I want to trust, but nothing gets done.

I can't handle nothing getting done.

I need more than that.

I don't know.

Band of Horses.

Cease to Begin.

Job Update

So... Apparently I need to re-apply for the library job... The job to which I never applied in the first place... And I probably won't get it back AND the bus doesn't go to that library anymore, so it's not really worth it? Fuck.

Well... Hopefully I get the job at the Student Wellness Center?

And I'm missing the on-campus Job Fair because it runs 11-3 on a day during which I have class 11:30-3:18. Awesome.

Bought a 48" blacklight today.

Also bought 28 Days Later and Shoot 'Em Up. $10 total.

All with Aarthi :)

Going to see 9 tonight. Pumped.

I need money.

And a job.

Badly.

Last Week in Hudson

FINALLY!

I can't wait to get out of here!

This past weekend was rather awesome, though.

Christian did remarkably well meeting both sides of the family.

We watched 5 movies this weekend. Oh my god. 5 fucking movies, 1 of which was a scary movie, with which I do not do well at all. But it was 28 Days Later, and it was absolutely FANTASTIC! Danny Boyle doesn't get enough credit for that film.

I see Christian next weekend, when I am dragging him to a square dance so I don't have to get stuck with a 60-year-old man as a partner again, then hopefully going back to BW that night then hanging most of the next day. Then bye until Halloween.

He's fantastic, and patient, and understanding, and wonderful, so we'll be fine.

We will persevere.

Since it's the last week, I'm finally getting into my Arabic stuff. Hahaha, about time, I know.

I'm also ordering my textbooks for the quarter. Getting some great deals, too.

Listening to the new Arctic Monkeys album, since I'm considering keeping the ticket and going to the show anyway, because I do have a way to keep my library job. Hopefully I can pick up another job or two once I'm there.

I've got an appointment with my academic advisor to start working on my Honors Contract.

And I've got an advisor (the one I wanted!) for my Honors Thesis.

Things are working out really well, right now, despite the difficulties.

It's the big picture.

I want to read books and watch movies. But I sleep so much. I should get on that.

Today, I reallllly miss Beirut and speaking Arabic :(

8 Days

Taking It All In Stride

Alright. Today's been pretty hard. But it's ok. I'm making it up as I go along.

So, today I woke up at noon, spent an hour and a half on the phone, then got up at 1:30 and spent my entire day cooking: dinner and this weekend's dessert. I actually fucked up both. Ugh.

Then this evening, I went shopping with Christen! And gave her a birthday bottle of wine, since it was August 9th and I'd missed it. We had soo much fun!

First, we went to Mr. Fun's. Tried some sweet wigs and costumes on. Put two different costumes on hold for when Aarthi and Christian and I go back on Saturday. Then we went to Maurice's. I bought this adorable pair of Black Oxford boots. Looove them! Perfect for my costume (I'm not telling what I put on hold yet)! Then to Kohl's. Nothing there. Then to Target. Christen bought Sobe LifeWater. It was awesome. Then we talked in my driveway for awhile. It was wonderful. So fun.

I watched the Hudson High School Swing Marching Band rehearsal last night. Pumped to see them at the game tomorrow!

I dyed my hair last night. More blue! Yay! I love it!

Tomorrow is going to be another busy day. I love being busy! Too bad I'm not doing what I need to be doing.... No Arabic, scholarship apps, or whatever. But ugh. It'll work out.

BUT! I'm going grocery shopping tomorrow, vacuuming the house, then eventually picking up Christian to spend the long weekend with my family!

This weekend is going to be crazy. The poor guy has to meet both sides of my family this weekend AND go to my parents' church. Oh, poor man. He's fantastic, though, so he'll take it all in stride. :)

Oh shit. I've got to shower tonight. I'M OUT!

CAFFEINE!

I feel so awesome today!

I have been sooo preductive--and all thanks to caffeine!

• Woke up at 6:30am
• Went out to breakfast with my whole family!!!
• Drove Ishy to school
• **Sidenote: school is such a weird word... Look at how it's spelled!**
• Cleaned both bathrooms... Without wearing clothes... I'm odd...
• Uninstalled Firefox
• Did laundry
• Tried on clothes so I could decide whether to keep them or donate them
• Febreze®'d EVERYTHING!
• Submitted my request for a replacement external hard drive
• Called the Starbucks where I want to work and asked about jobs and the manager
• Spent the rest of the day looking for Halloween costumes and matching shoes on eBay! YAY ME!

And later...

• Going to watch the marching band practice
• Chilling with my 'lyssa, which will consist of best friend love, a bonfire, s'mores, hair dyeing, ice cream, and cigarettes, then a midnight trip to the hills.

*All plans provided I can stay awake >.<

Life

I really don't know what to do.

Things are so fucked up.

It's so... typical.

Life, even the simple fucking things, is never what you plan.

Nothing horrible. Just another snag in the fabric. Another impossible change of plans.

Once again, in addition, I have plans to hang out with someone I haven't seen since September, but feel no desire to go anywhere or do anything.

I'm just depressed and want to go to bed. That's that.

And I have videos I need to return to the video store.

What the fuck.

I still feel like shit.

I feel horrible for continuously cancelling.

I feel like such a bitch.