Summer. Well, fuck.

My hardcover journal and fountain pen are still packed away from the recent move, so you all get to read my rant on here.

Yes, so, remember that happy post about summer?

Well, here is the updated version.

I was so excited. I was going to have time to do stuff, finally getting time to myself, to read, to watch movies, etc.

WELL JUST KIDDING.

[P.S. I can hear the person who lives above us. He is currently snoring. What the fuck.]

So. This is what my summer looks like.

• Work, 30 hrs/wk
• Internship, 2-3 hrs/day, 5 days a week---> 10-15 hrs/wk
• Online class at CSCC
• Class to get credit for the internship, which in and of it self includes 2 weekly assignments, an interview assignment, and two 5 page papers
• Volunteering
• 3 week family time/vacation, which will put me behind on everything before I even start!

I am ridiculously frustrated.

I have been hating college more than little else, because I have absolutely zero time for myself.

I really wanted to read some books. I really wanted to watch movies this summer. I really wanted to be able to go have alone-time. I really wanted to play some music, get back into my flute, learn some more guitar, sing.

WELL TOO BAD!

What's the point of life if you can't enjoy it?

I already have low self-esteem.

I always feel guilty.

I have a lot of OCD tendencies.

I am obsessed with being efficient.

I am a workaholic.

I've been unhappy for years, especially because of school.

Things are going on that I don't want to talk about/feel like I can't talk about with anyone, including my therapist.

I am depressed.

I am too depressed to even allow myself to drink.

I can't remember to take my pills.

I am addicted to sugar.

I am tired of school engulfing my life.

I am tired of being forced into being sociable.

I want time for myself. I want to be alone sometimes. And it just doesn't happen.

I am torn between making myself happy and making others happy.

I am torn between wanting stability and wanting to explore.

I am torn between needing companions and needing to be alone.

I can never find a suitable middle ground.

Fuck you, life. You're a cunt.