I've gone over it, over and over.
I have pulled the events apart and examined the patterns.
I have unfolded every occurrence, every step, every detail.
These looping themes, these reoccurring episodes--
They appear to be inescapable.
In the end, the only things left are the questions.
Maybe they're just part of the pattern.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Contemplated, Premeditated, Significant
My emotions are so tumultuous and unpredictable that I like other things to be predictable.
I like planning, even though I know they're likely to be revised or cancelled.
I want everything to be carefully contemplated and placed just so.
I want nothing I carry to be meaningless. Everything needs to have a meaning, even if just to me.
I want everything in my bag to be premeditated. I want it to be significant.
The moment it's an accident is the moment I lose myself.
I do that enough, as it is.
I like planning, even though I know they're likely to be revised or cancelled.
I want everything to be carefully contemplated and placed just so.
I want nothing I carry to be meaningless. Everything needs to have a meaning, even if just to me.
I want everything in my bag to be premeditated. I want it to be significant.
The moment it's an accident is the moment I lose myself.
I do that enough, as it is.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Death
A lot of people are afraid to die. It's only natural.
Most people ask: "Will it hurt? What happens after you die?"
I ask: "Will I be alone when I die?"
Most people ask: "Will it hurt? What happens after you die?"
I ask: "Will I be alone when I die?"
Monday, April 9, 2012
Home for Easter Weekend
This holiday weekend was great. Spent lots of time with my family.
Thursday: I got off work at 7pm, parents ready and rearing to go. Ate at Dirty Frank's, then trekked to Akron. After chatting and helping Mommom grade papers the whole way home, I was pooped. I was in bed by midnight (what an old lady I am!). I heard my sister get home around 1. How did I know it was my sister? The footsteps went no further than the kitchen, and I heard the refrigerator door open. Oh, my sister. So I got up to say hi, then went back to bed.
Friday: Shopping, Day 1! I sent a fax, then did some adult banking. I felt so happy. Then Mom and Ishy and I went to Chipotle, the library, bought my cousin a gift card for her birthday, then to Village Discount. Thrifting with my family is HILARIOUS. My sister got stuck in yet another piece of clothing. I bought some things I needed, like work clothes, and yes, another pair of shoes. We made dinner that night: mashed potatoes! I need to make them more often. Ishy and I sneaked out before dinner to buy Mom a bouquet of tulips. Since all her spring flowers came up so early, so thought it would be nice to have a blooming flower for Easter. She loved them.
Saturday: Shopping, Day 2! Ishy and Mom and I went to Mr. Bulky's (bulk candy and spice store!) and the mall. I go to the candy/spice store every time I'm home! This time, I bought lots of spices, whole wheat flour, and a bit of candy. At the mall, I hit the jackpot. Huge jewelry clearance at JCPenny's, so I bought myself the small string of chocolate pearls I'd been watching for the past year. $30, including a 2-year service plan! Woohoo! I also got--SURPRISE!--a pair of shoes. Bright red, baby! And some adult work clothes. We had coffee, then went to Youngstown for a family gathering. 5 birthdays in March, 2 of which are on March 24! What a crazy family. So cake and ice cream and junk food. It was splendid!
Sunday: I didn't go to church (surprise, surprise!). I cuddled with the doggie, who is becoming more docile with age. Then my family went to a Chinese buffet for lunch--because that's how we celebrate Easter, apparently. It was de-lish! Then home for Easter baskets and an Easter egg hunt my sister and I had convinced my mom to do. We are all such children. Then back to Columbus. AND NO FIGHTS WITH MOM! Then watched Princess Mononoke with Tim and ate snickerdoodles. What a great weekend!
Today, I work at 12:45, so I made a doc appt nice and early so I'd be up. I've been SUPER productive today! Ate breakfast, made tea (generic English Breakfast tea with some spearmint leaves and a touch of sugar), made some curried lentils and rice (with my new spices WOO the simple things!), cut up some fruit for a snack, and packed my bag for work. The only thing left is to finish eating and put away laundry. WOO TODAY! ^_^
Things seem to be going well for me. I hope they are going equally well for all of you--if not better! <3
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Life After College
It's official! I am a college graduate. Hopefully my B.A. in Arabic & Psychology will come in handy someday.
Until then, it's just a fancy piece of paper....that I have yet to pick up. (I skipped the graduation ceremony so I could visit my sister in Pittsburgh)
I'm excited to have actually made it through university. I almost didn't make it. Truly.
Mental illness almost forced me to drop out.
BUT! I have actually graduated from DBT! I've completed therapy. And honestly, it's a therapy that I think everyone should go through. There are so many fantastic coping mechanism and skills, even for people who don't have issues with emotion regulation and the like. (www.dbtselfhelp.com is a nice little website that lists some of these skills). I'm so proud of completing it. I feel so much more confident in handling my emotions and regulating my responses to them. So, so thankful for the program. Marsha Linehan saved my life.
Anyway, today was my first day at a new job. I am now working at a tea salon. It's pretty much my dream part time job, what, with my love for tea and culture. It's also my first take at serving, and oh dear, is it challenging. But I am enjoying it nonetheless.
The weirdest part of being out of school [for now]? My nightmares have changed to encompass an entirely different genre. Instead of dreaming that I sleep through exams, I'm dreaming about sins. I had a weird dream where I was given a glowing, sparkling pill and got super high. When I woke up, my first action was to laugh aloud at the state of my nightmares. They have moved from school to seven deadly sins! How hilarious!
It's really cool to finally get to read books and have free time. I watched 4 movies in 2 weeks! WOO!
Nevertheless, free time is scarce this week and next, as I have 2 40-hour weeks of training--plus work at the office, which is supposed to be 30 hours a week. But things will calm down after that. It's only disappointing because this week is my spring break week, and I won't have much time to see Tim before school starts back up again. But c'est la vie! I will live.
I'm starting to get excited about the future. But most of all, I'm relieved that I will be able to make rent! I could've done it with just the office job, but the second job is allowing me to save money--and to also have money to spend time with friends, since I finally have the time to do so.
In closing, I love you. All of you.
Always remember that somebody does.
Until then, it's just a fancy piece of paper....that I have yet to pick up. (I skipped the graduation ceremony so I could visit my sister in Pittsburgh)
I'm excited to have actually made it through university. I almost didn't make it. Truly.
Mental illness almost forced me to drop out.
BUT! I have actually graduated from DBT! I've completed therapy. And honestly, it's a therapy that I think everyone should go through. There are so many fantastic coping mechanism and skills, even for people who don't have issues with emotion regulation and the like. (www.dbtselfhelp.com is a nice little website that lists some of these skills). I'm so proud of completing it. I feel so much more confident in handling my emotions and regulating my responses to them. So, so thankful for the program. Marsha Linehan saved my life.
Anyway, today was my first day at a new job. I am now working at a tea salon. It's pretty much my dream part time job, what, with my love for tea and culture. It's also my first take at serving, and oh dear, is it challenging. But I am enjoying it nonetheless.
The weirdest part of being out of school [for now]? My nightmares have changed to encompass an entirely different genre. Instead of dreaming that I sleep through exams, I'm dreaming about sins. I had a weird dream where I was given a glowing, sparkling pill and got super high. When I woke up, my first action was to laugh aloud at the state of my nightmares. They have moved from school to seven deadly sins! How hilarious!
It's really cool to finally get to read books and have free time. I watched 4 movies in 2 weeks! WOO!
Nevertheless, free time is scarce this week and next, as I have 2 40-hour weeks of training--plus work at the office, which is supposed to be 30 hours a week. But things will calm down after that. It's only disappointing because this week is my spring break week, and I won't have much time to see Tim before school starts back up again. But c'est la vie! I will live.
I'm starting to get excited about the future. But most of all, I'm relieved that I will be able to make rent! I could've done it with just the office job, but the second job is allowing me to save money--and to also have money to spend time with friends, since I finally have the time to do so.
In closing, I love you. All of you.
Always remember that somebody does.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Rough Realizations
Things are rough. But I'll leave that alone.
I was doing a lot of thinking today. And I am slowly coming to the suspicion that I fall on the low end of the autism spectrum. For my whole life, I've thought it was a result of the various mental issues, but now I'm starting to see it a little differently.
Why do I think this?
The biggest thing is that I have major difficulty with social things. I don't maintain many social relationships. And I don't enjoy interacting in social situations. Because I have no idea how to act. I thought I was just antisocial until I realized that I spend the entirety of social situations trying to figure out how I am supposed to behave, what is normal. I expend so much energy trying to see how other people are acting and act in the same way. And after all these years I still don't get it. I still hate socializing. I don't know how to speak in turn. I don't know how to make small talk. I still hate large groups of people. I can't do much of anything except be afraid if I am in a crowd. I find it impossible to interact with regular people, let alone when they are in different states of mind.
Other things include my extreme antisocial tendencies as a kid (I think I went to recess maybe ten times total thoroughout my childhood), my early intellectual aptitude, especially for math (I knew my multiplication tables by the end of 1st grade), the adult novels I read as early as elementary school, and the perplexing nature that was the other neighborhood kids. I never wanted to play with them, and dreaded when they would come over and knock on my door.
I also think of my need to formulate speech. Language is typically one of those things that people with autism tend to struggle with. I have grown out of math and into language. I look at it as its own formula: Which parts must one add up to result in expressing the exact thought, the precise feeling. There are so many subtleties. Word choice, word order, tone. All these things have implications. All these things are parts of the formula. The combinations are infinite. And although most people don't perceive it this way, I am still careful.
One big reason I may be running on a tangent with this idea is because I am extremely sensitive to emotion. Oversensitive. Most of it is in perception of others' speech and body language. I am very aware of the emotional implications of things, even if they aren't true implications. Sometimes I read too much into it. Most of the time, honestly. I perceive things that others aren't trying to convey. So I make a lot of mistakes. And even after perceiving these intricacies, I don't usually know very much about how to respond to them.
I briefly looked into whether autism has significant comorbidity with my mental illness. And one peer-reviewed paper says "Absence of substance abuse and pronounced negative self-image should lead to a clinical suspicion that Autism spectrum disorder might be present." And another states that it is common for Autism spectrum disorders to be accompanied by personality disorders.
Who knows. Maybe I'm thinking too much. But all this extra time to think can't just be resulting in prattle, can it?
Edit: Another reason I feel I may fall on the Autism spectrum: I am much more capable to maintain relationships via non-present methods, such as text messaging or twitter, than I am in real life, physically-present situations. Chronically.
I was doing a lot of thinking today. And I am slowly coming to the suspicion that I fall on the low end of the autism spectrum. For my whole life, I've thought it was a result of the various mental issues, but now I'm starting to see it a little differently.
Why do I think this?
The biggest thing is that I have major difficulty with social things. I don't maintain many social relationships. And I don't enjoy interacting in social situations. Because I have no idea how to act. I thought I was just antisocial until I realized that I spend the entirety of social situations trying to figure out how I am supposed to behave, what is normal. I expend so much energy trying to see how other people are acting and act in the same way. And after all these years I still don't get it. I still hate socializing. I don't know how to speak in turn. I don't know how to make small talk. I still hate large groups of people. I can't do much of anything except be afraid if I am in a crowd. I find it impossible to interact with regular people, let alone when they are in different states of mind.
Other things include my extreme antisocial tendencies as a kid (I think I went to recess maybe ten times total thoroughout my childhood), my early intellectual aptitude, especially for math (I knew my multiplication tables by the end of 1st grade), the adult novels I read as early as elementary school, and the perplexing nature that was the other neighborhood kids. I never wanted to play with them, and dreaded when they would come over and knock on my door.
I also think of my need to formulate speech. Language is typically one of those things that people with autism tend to struggle with. I have grown out of math and into language. I look at it as its own formula: Which parts must one add up to result in expressing the exact thought, the precise feeling. There are so many subtleties. Word choice, word order, tone. All these things have implications. All these things are parts of the formula. The combinations are infinite. And although most people don't perceive it this way, I am still careful.
One big reason I may be running on a tangent with this idea is because I am extremely sensitive to emotion. Oversensitive. Most of it is in perception of others' speech and body language. I am very aware of the emotional implications of things, even if they aren't true implications. Sometimes I read too much into it. Most of the time, honestly. I perceive things that others aren't trying to convey. So I make a lot of mistakes. And even after perceiving these intricacies, I don't usually know very much about how to respond to them.
I briefly looked into whether autism has significant comorbidity with my mental illness. And one peer-reviewed paper says "Absence of substance abuse and pronounced negative self-image should lead to a clinical suspicion that Autism spectrum disorder might be present." And another states that it is common for Autism spectrum disorders to be accompanied by personality disorders.
Who knows. Maybe I'm thinking too much. But all this extra time to think can't just be resulting in prattle, can it?
Edit: Another reason I feel I may fall on the Autism spectrum: I am much more capable to maintain relationships via non-present methods, such as text messaging or twitter, than I am in real life, physically-present situations. Chronically.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
And So Begins Autumn Quarter
Today was the first day of school. I only had one class today. And it was with Aarthi! Both of us got up this morning and said "do you really want to go to class today?" We are like minds.
I went to class. Psychology of Learning. Doesn't seem too bad. It'll be pretty interesting, I think.
I'm feeling pretty good about it, actually. And it looks like it'll be mildly entertaining.
After Class: Work, Meeting, Errands, Cooking Dinner.
It'll be a great night.
I GET A BIG KID'S BED TOMORROW! WOOOO!!! :D
I went to class. Psychology of Learning. Doesn't seem too bad. It'll be pretty interesting, I think.
I'm feeling pretty good about it, actually. And it looks like it'll be mildly entertaining.
After Class: Work, Meeting, Errands, Cooking Dinner.
It'll be a great night.
I GET A BIG KID'S BED TOMORROW! WOOOO!!! :D
Friday, September 16, 2011
The End of Summer. For Real!
These 3 weeks of summer have been AMAZING.
Last week, Tim and I went to visit one of my dearest friends in Pittsburgh. I meant to write every couple of days, but I didn't. Which is a pity. It was an amazing near-week-long trip. So exciting, so comfortable. Tim and Patrick got on very well. We also visited my sister! She is doing so well. And her roommate rocks. I am very happy.
Notable places in Pittsburgh included: the Strip, 21st Street Coffee, Smithfield Diner, DeLuca's Diner, Presto George Coffee and Tea Shop, FANTASTIC sushi at Penn Avenue Fish Company, tapas and caipirinha at Seviche, beer at Sharp Edge, terrible food and decent beer at Hofbräuhaus, ice cream at The Milk Shake Factory, among many other things. Tim and I I can honestly say I had the time of my life.
Then I got home and had to catch up with a lot of things at work. No problem. Busy, but not too stressful.
Why is this weekend going to rock?
BECAUSE:
+ Went grocery shopping last night
+ Tonight, Tim and I are going to see World on a Wire, thanks to the wonderful Wexner Center of the Arts
+ Tomorrow, we are going to the Short North Microbrew Festival
+ A good friend just got back from her 6 months in Maine. Reunion will include drink and company
+ Sunday has the potential to include drunk brunch and/or playtime. Though I have a lot of sewing I want to get done.
My second job starts Monday, school starts Wednesday.
Once I get my planner I will be ready to tackle it all. :)
Currently Listening: Little Birds by Neutral Milk Hotel
Currently Readin: The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera
Last week, Tim and I went to visit one of my dearest friends in Pittsburgh. I meant to write every couple of days, but I didn't. Which is a pity. It was an amazing near-week-long trip. So exciting, so comfortable. Tim and Patrick got on very well. We also visited my sister! She is doing so well. And her roommate rocks. I am very happy.
Notable places in Pittsburgh included: the Strip, 21st Street Coffee, Smithfield Diner, DeLuca's Diner, Presto George Coffee and Tea Shop, FANTASTIC sushi at Penn Avenue Fish Company, tapas and caipirinha at Seviche, beer at Sharp Edge, terrible food and decent beer at Hofbräuhaus, ice cream at The Milk Shake Factory, among many other things. Tim and I I can honestly say I had the time of my life.
Then I got home and had to catch up with a lot of things at work. No problem. Busy, but not too stressful.
Why is this weekend going to rock?
BECAUSE:
+ Went grocery shopping last night
+ Tonight, Tim and I are going to see World on a Wire, thanks to the wonderful Wexner Center of the Arts
+ Tomorrow, we are going to the Short North Microbrew Festival
+ A good friend just got back from her 6 months in Maine. Reunion will include drink and company
+ Sunday has the potential to include drunk brunch and/or playtime. Though I have a lot of sewing I want to get done.
My second job starts Monday, school starts Wednesday.
Once I get my planner I will be ready to tackle it all. :)
Currently Listening: Little Birds by Neutral Milk Hotel
Currently Readin: The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Summer Ending?
I love this sense of life I experience as others express their disappointment with the ending summer.
I love how my [albeit brief] summer just started.
I love that I prefer autumn to summer.
I love that winter is my favorite season - the only downside being difficult to ride a bike/more intense upkeep.
I love that I got so much done last night. And half a bottle of wine gone.
And I am absolutely excited for eating so much good food and beer this weekend. I have tentative plans to grab food from Ali Baba then head out to Bob's Bar for a few hours. Then home to my growler of Rogue Dead Guy Ale. YEAH!
I love how my [albeit brief] summer just started.
I love that I prefer autumn to summer.
I love that winter is my favorite season - the only downside being difficult to ride a bike/more intense upkeep.
I love that I got so much done last night. And half a bottle of wine gone.
And I am absolutely excited for eating so much good food and beer this weekend. I have tentative plans to grab food from Ali Baba then head out to Bob's Bar for a few hours. Then home to my growler of Rogue Dead Guy Ale. YEAH!
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