Hey guess what! THINGS DON'T SUCK RIGHT NOW!

My summer is FINALLY beginning! Well, ignoring the GRE I'm retaking next week. But I'm not worried. I've done most of the studying anyway.

I've been doing really well lately. Summer classes were/are nice and chill, and I greatly prefer doing everything in 5 weeks instead of 10. I would absolutely die if I took classes on a semester schedule. I'm kicking ass in all of my classes, which is good because spring quarter was pretty fucking awful, grade-wise.

My Ishy moved in at uni last night. I wasn't able to be there with her, but we've been texting. Her roommate is baller, and she really likes her digs. She starts classes next week. And so will begin her 3 + 2 program in Occupational Therapy. In the Honors college. With a decent scholarship. I am so proud of her.

I have done all my assignments for the last week of class, so all I have to do is pretty much go to class for the next week. So I have TONS of free time. I ordered a new sewing machine, so I'm hoping I get that today. I have a bunch of patterns and fabric ready to go! I had started a new dress from scratch a couple months ago, but my machine broke, so I couldn't finish it. SOON! :D

I've been doing well mentally, too. It's really nice. Starting up some intense therapy. It'll be yet another thing in my schedule, but it'll definitely be worth it. I'm ready.

I've finalized both of my majors as well as both of my minors. And after this next round of honors contract revisions, I will be sending in my application to graduate. March 2012. Hell. Fucking. Yes.

Anyway, that's about it. [I can't believe I've never done this] But if any of you however few readers have any questions about my life or anything, feel free to ask it in a comment. :)

Playlist Poetry

Take me anywhere, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care
Give me one good reason not to do it--(Because I love you)
You once talked to me about love, and you painted pictures of a Never Never Land
I would say 'I love you', but saying it out loud is hard, so I won't say it at all
You are the life I needed all along
There are things we can't recall, blind as night that finds us all
A baby sleeps in all our bones, so scared to be alone
In the morning when you finally go and the nurse runs in with her head hung low, and the cardinal hits the window
In the morning, in the winter shade, on the first of March, on the holiday, I thought I saw you breathing
The most important thing about you standing in my doorway is that it's you, and that you're standing in the doorway
And you smile as you ease the gun from my hand, and I'm frozen with joy right where I stand
There used to be a tree where we took our pretty things
I'm afraid to forget you; I am remembering you: You were spakling
Does his hand in your hair feel a lot like a thing you believe in?
In the morning I'll be with you, but it'll be a different kind
I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
Haven't laughed this hard in a long time; I'd better stop now before I start crying
If I leave before you, darling, don't you waste me in the ground
Let the poets cry themselves to sleep, and all their tearful words would turn back into steam
You're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for
But with this long last rush of air, let's speak our vows in starry whisper
I'd give my body to be back again, in the rest of the room
Some had crawled their way into your heart to rend your ventricles apart
A burned out world you know, staying up all night.

[the music]

Rant: Young Marriage

Just saw on facebook that a "friend" of mine is getting married. He has been dating his girlfriend since January. OMG 5 MONTHS WE ARE SO IN LOVE OBVIOUSLY GETTING MARRIED AND MOVING TO CHINA IN A MONTH ARE A GREAT IDEA!

He's pulled stupid shit like this before. He has abused her in the past. I don't fucking understand people. I called him out on his fb. I don't give a damn anymore. I'm done sitting around. Personally, I think he's rude and inappropriate and a douchebag. But apparently he's moving back to China in June so I will never have to worry about it again!

TL;DR: MARRIAGE IS STUPID DON'T BOTHER. UNLESS YOU, FOR SOME ANTIQUATED REASON, BELIEVE THAT SEX IS BAD IN WHICH CASE YES LET'S BASE THE REASON FOR GETTING MARRIED OFF THE DESIRE TO BONE.

Anyway, I haven't done any homework and feel entirely useless. Cue depression.

Many, Many Things

I've been feeling alright for the past couple weeks. Those 2 huge meltdowns seemed to be the end of it [for now].

These past weeks have been super stressful. Unfortunately I had 2 midterms during the week between the 2 meltdowns. So I was on therapist-mandated bedrest for the week before my exams and ended up super behind in everything. Aaaand my exam grades definitely show it. They threw me into the beginning of another downward spiral, as I was still unstable and recovering from the previous one. After much anxiety and convincing from Tim, I talked to two of my professors, which helped restore a little bit of confidence in myself. Knowing that I am not for sure fucked and probably not going to lose my scholarship this quarter is a really nice thing. So for now, increased medication, more frequent therapist visits, and doing my best to cope until a DBT individual/group slot opens up.

It's pretty fucking frustrating. These last 2 meltdowns were the most severe I've ever had. I hadn't felt anywhere close to that way since middle school. It was extremely scary. I don't really know what mindset I need to take in order to continue. They changed everything. How I'm thinking about this, how I think I should go about coping, everything. And I'm now getting desperate. I hope I have a good amount of time to recover before the next one, because I honestly don't know what things will change this next time.

Anyway, today my anxiety has been through the roof. Three anxiety attacks within the course of an hour. Completely biological, this time. Tremors, trouble breathing. Usually it's primarily the psychological symptoms. I'm not used to having these symptoms to this extent; I don't know how to cope. And I had just increased my meds. What the fuck? Maybe I need to get my hands on something new. I'll talk to my shrink about it.

AND SO MUCH HOMEWORK THIS WEEKEND FUCKING SHIT ON A CUNT.
Arabic professor assigned an unprecedented amount of homework and, seeing as it usually takes me 15+ hours to complete it, I am not happy.
Two 10-page papers due next week. I'm doing very well on both of them, but I still need to do lots of editing.
All on top of my regular reading and reviewing and other assignments. Seriously?

But no worries! I have plans to go out Thursday, in celebration of essentially completing the quarter that almost destroyed me. I almost had to drop out due to mental illness; somehow I made it. Who cares that I have to be at work at 8am on Friday, I am going to the gay bar with a bunch of friends, or maybe very few friends--I DON'T CARE! So if anyone wants to join me for $3 long islands and $4 tokyo teas on Thursday, you know where to find me. :)

And something amazing happened last week. He's back. I don't get it. I still don't know what happened. But he's back.
It made me realize that I should probably pay more attention to my dissociation tendencies. HAHA what an impossible task!

I am sooo excited for finals week. I know that doesn't make sense, but it's because I am going to three shows: She Wants Revenge, Bright Eyes, and Neon Indian. Then Cotton Jones the Sunday after that!!!! Plus, a couple wonderful friends will be visiting for the Bright Eyes show. There will be cooking, exploring, and drunk Scrabble galore! Ok, so most of our plans involve eating. OH WELL. WE FUCKING DESERVE IT. And then my Ishy will be visiting me the week after that! Our plans also mostly involve eating. YESSSSSSSSSS.

Obsessed with this album at the moment. Once you get past the odd voice, it is so endearing and raw: http://grooveshark.com/album/Huggable+Dust/1100773?src=5

Feel Better, I Beg of You

Things haven't been going well at all.
The mental illness, combined with college, is really getting to me, destroying me.
I should have dropped out last year, like I suggested.
I've had two complete breakdowns in two weeks.
My therapist is worried about me.
My shrink won't refill my prescriptions on time.
The DBT lab has a 30-person wait list. Every other place is an hour away by bus.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.
All I want is to feel better.
All I want is to stop feeling like this monster whose main guilt is putting people through this.
I am ashamed and embarrassed of this stupid biological/genetic/environmental/whatever issue that I have.
I hadn't used these coping mechanisms in almost 10 years.
I haven't been this bad at any point in my entire memory.
A relapse past the beginning.
I don't know what else to do.
I am getting desperate.
This is getting dangerous.

FBI Material. NOT.

The most interesting thing that has happened today:

That guy I went to high school with messaged me on facebook last week saying he got a new phone and needed my number again, because he had something he needed to tell me. I didn’t respond, trying to decide whether to give it to him or not. I finally did. 

Well, he texted me today. Told me he was just sworn into the Coast Guard. I said “Cool! Why did you decide to join?” he said because it will look good on his resume. HIS RESUME. Why the fuck would you join the military because of your RESUME. He has always pissed me off. He is a upper-middle class white male who has NO FUCKING IDEA what real life is like. He thinks joining the Coast Guard will get him into the FBI. This is the guy who won’t kiss a girl unless he’s married to her, by the way. Because that’s how God wants it to be.

So I eventually just said something about how it was stupid and I can’t believe he would be so closedminded and idiotic about his life plan and the course of action to achieve his life goals. I told him that I almost didn’t give him my number and that next time I won’t. 

Him: “Fine, because obviously i have the wrong number.”

Then I said: “Every time I ride a bus, I think about how you complained about public transportation because it won’t let YOU go as fast as you want in your CAR. I’m sorry that not everyone is a white male with the money for their own transportation or even health care. You’ve creeped on me for 2 years now, sending me winkies and saying weird things even though I’ve told you repeatedly that I have a boyfriend. Find your own friends who will bitch about things you feel entitled to while I can’t even afford my fucking medication and leave me alone.”

The funny thing? I feel totally fine today. I didn’t just go off on him. I felt fine before, and I feel fine now. No symptoms of my mental illness today. No depression or anxiety or frustration at all. And I feel no regret. I tried for years to teach him that most people need more help than he does, that they need public transportation and health care and things like that. I’ve tried to be patient. I’ve put up with bullshit Baptist shit he’s done/said/whatever. I tried to teach him. But he won’t learn. He refuses. He won’t read a single book except his precious Bible. And you know what? That is EXACTLY what will prevent him from getting into the FBI. He is not well-rounded. He cannot put himself into other people’s shoes. He will NEVER be able to think like anything he does not already think like. 

I sincerely hope the FBI calls me as a reference some day. Because if someone like him, Mister “my father makes over $100k a year and I have never had to do anything I’ve not wanted to do ever in my life. btw Jesus is the only reason to live!”, gets into the FBI, I will have lost all hope in this country.

Mid-Quarter Frustration

You know what's frustrating?
Thinking you're about to finish all the papers assigned this quarter to have a professor just whip a 20-page research paper, complete with footnotes and shittons of references out of his ass. And no, it wasn't on the syllabus.

I think it's just sinking in, as I finish the paper that I *thought* was going to be the last one of the quarter. I was so excited to be able to catch up on sleep, focus on myself and my mental health, and have some time to be social, to read, to take and edit photographs for the next 4 weeks. I am starting to mourn the loss of me-time that just slipped from my grasp.

I'm disappointed, but not depressed.
I'm hoping I can keep my chin up and stay motivated long enough to complete the research and drafting of this horrendous paper.
So any well-wishes are very, very welcome.

In closing: Arabic sucks.

I was wrong to be optimistic.

Exhaustedly Optimistic

I'm feeling stressed and exhausted, but rather optimistic about things.

I've been doing pretty well lately, with not too many outbursts or breakdowns. I'm not feeling quite as emotionally exhausted as usual.

Oh right. Midterms were fine. At least the 2 of 4 that I have taken. Soooo yeah. School is...whatever. It'll be nice, though, because I have just this weekend of heavy homework, then I will have completed all the papers and things that are due this quarter. All I will have left is typical weekly reading and reflecting. Maybe I will eventually have a social life.

This quarter isn't too bad, academically, so I feel like I should be dedicating extra time to my emotional issues. What a great time to realize this, half-way through the quarter, eh? But oh well. At least I noticed it. So no more skipping therapist appointments and no more ignoring my pills.

Speaking of which, it's bedtime.
nini! :3

May I Say...

...Being Sick Sucks.
Yeah, Tim was sick earlier this week, and now I am. But our symptoms are exactly opposite. How strange.

Anyway, It has been a pretty difficult 48 hours. Lots of stuff going on, most of which I do not want to/cannot talk about.
Apart from that, it hasn't been too bad. My courses this quarter are nearly all a joke. I find a couple of them enjoyable, but the others are a waste of time. Hopefully it will be a nice GPA boost. Next quarter is gonna be rough. I'll need it.
I have 2 midterms next week. Funny. I haven't heard anything about either. Hmmm...

In other news, Reddit controls my life. Werd.