Invisible Monsters

"This is the biggest mistake I could think would save me. I wanted to give up the idea I had any control. Shake things up. To be saved by chaos. To see see if I could cope, I wanted to force myself to grow again. To explode my comfort zone."

It happens...

Wow.

What a day.

The good news is...

• I didn't have class
• I didn't go to work
• I slept in until 1:30pm
• I talked to Patrick, whom I miss dearly, on the phone
• I texted my sissy, whom I also miss dearly
• I listened to my entire music library on shuffle for a loooong time
• I completed my physics on time
• I got today's assignment in before the deadline
• I ate a whole pint of ice cream
• I got to see some live music with an awesome new friend
• I got to watch a fantastic movie called Waking Life, which is all about dreams and existentialism
• I received a hilarious drunk text from Emily: "Hashashdfshgasvb vfy oi druynk"
• I got to make a bulleted list!

The bad news is...

• I was/am entirely alone tonight--all 3 roommates are gone for the weekend (I miss Aarthi madly)
• Interesting things happened tonight that left me feeling a bit dejected
• All of my friends were either too tired or unavailable to spend time with me when I got home at 10
• Didn't get a chance to eat today and when I went to the food place it was closed because of Zombie Jesus Day
• I ate a whole pint of ice cream
• Ross and I got into an argument 
• I woke up so late that I'm not tired AND not motivated
• I am behind in my Arabic
• I found out that the annual flute competition/festival I participated in 4 years ago is next Saturday and if I had looked it up a month earlier I could've entered because I'd already studied the required pieces
• My hair tie got stuck in my hair so I had to cut it out
• I still need to take a shower
• I am lonely as fuck

I'm sad, so I'm going to make more lists--they  make me happy!!!!

Tomorrow:

• Physics prelab
• Physics reading
• Physics practice problems
• Microeconomics reading
• Arabic chapter 15 homework drills
• Arabic chapter 16 vocabulary
• Arabic chapter 16 homework drills
• Arabic lit reading
• Arabic lit research

I want:

• More piercings
• To color my hair like I used to
• Money
• An orgasm
• My passport back from the Lebanese Consulate
• A cuddle buddy
  
• Any form of physical reassurance
• To have that one true friend to whom I can I go for anything and everything
• Absolute contentedness

Oh well. All done. 

Time to take a shower and go to sleep. 

Hopefully I'll get up at a decent hour tomorrow and not be so fucking lonely.

"People are fragile things--you should know by now. Be careful what you put them through."

-The Editors

Geeks

It's weird.
But I just realized why I go for the geeky-ish guys.

Although I am very logical, I am extremely social. I remember numbers easily, but I don't rely on them.
Being a Humanities major, I usually get along best with people who are studying physics, math, or econ, or other similar things.
It's the way that the mind works--and how I can relate on the most important levels but have my own completely different personality.
And even better are the ones who study one of those and also enjoy stuff that is artistic, i.e. music (playing/appreciating), photography, xkcd (ok, hardly artsy...but fucking hilarious).
Just a generalization. There are many exceptions. No one is as cookie-cutter as my statement, which is also not concrete, hahahaha.

I was just thinking about what I want in a guy.
Tehe, silly realizations are fun.
Especially since every single one of my boyfriends and crushes fit in that generalization in some way or another, even if only partially.


And I've discovered that although I am exhausted, staying out late doing things that I love and working towards a common social goal, not only homework, is very fulfilling and makes me feel whole. Despite the epic lack of sleep. Ah, I love life today.

"Finally there is clarity--

This tiny life is making sense."

-Death Cab for Cutie

Life.

Life sucks sometimes. A lot of times.

That's what it's the little things.

And now that I have made up my mind, it's a little easier to deal with.

"Wait like the dawn

how it aches to meet the day."

-Iron & Wine

Abortion

WARNING!
OFFENSIVE MATERIAL!!!

If you are reading this, you know that I have very out-there ideas.
But hopefully you also know that I compromise really well.

That being said, enjoy my musings.

Those craaaazy pro-life displays of aborted babies, claiming that it is genocide (which makes me giggle quite a bit), has prompted me to release how I think the perfect world should operate regarding this topic.

Obviously, morals not included nor given a shit about.


I always start out the discussion by letting everyone know I'm pro-abortion. It gets some fun looks.
Besides, if people weren't so set on abstinence-only education, there would be far fewer abortions.

Anyway, I think people should have to apply to have children. Just like they do to get married.
If the person/couple does not have a household income above a certain level, the absolute minimum possible to care for themselves and a child, then their application to have a child would be denied.

And if they intentionally break the rule and are caught, if it's still a pre-natal situation, forced abortion. I haven't worked out what happens if it's after that. I'm not going to advocate killing children, although every time I'm in a movie theatre I seriously consider it...

Of course, abortions would be cheaper and easier to get, in the case of an accident. Basically, if you are pregnant and go to them, they will help you, no questions asked, for a very small cost (compared to usual). If you don't, they'll catch you, scoop out the fetus, and charge you for it.

But those women who break the rules 3 times or more (and are caught), they will be sterilized.
Fear is the most powerful tool.

See, if you put that fear in someone, they are much less likely to break the rule and more likely to work to be able to achieve their goal of having a child without worrying about watching that dream go down the drain. Literally.

Or I suppose if sterilization's too far, we could make it required for every woman belonging to a household below the floor income to have children to get those implants in their arms. Although the down side is more casual sex and STDs.

I see the children that households with an income too low to properly support them as a disadvantage to the economy and the country as a whole.

Overpopulation is an easy one.
Though true that having children cause people to spend more, I can't the children born into low-income families are helping much since they only have so much money and are most likely spending it all already. No significant increase in overall spending, economically speaking.
And if they are born into a low-income situation, they most likely won't be raised properly, oftentimes dropping out of school, thus increasing the population and decreasing labor capital.

And no abstinence only bullshit education.
In a perfect world....


Well, that's my schpeal. Feel free to comment and tell me how horrible of a person I am--I find it a nice ego boost and funny as hell--but I won't be replying to them (maybe).

I leave you with one last statement:
If those pro-life posters on campus are true and abortion is genocide, then I've been a racist most of my life.

Stuck.

"Will you say to me when I'm gone

'Your face has faded but lingers on

Cause light strikes a deal with each coming night....' "

2:45am

It's 2:45 in the morning

And I'm putting myself on warning

For waking up in an unknown place

With a recollection you've half erased.

-Elliott Smith

Oh, how I love Elliott Smith. What a fantastic yet troubled musician. Most of the greats are. He is missed.

I remember when I heard my first Elliott Smith song.

It was midnight. I had just turned 16. 

And I was ridiculously depressed. A result of my mother, I'm sure.

That's what happens when you are the person on whom someone else takes out all their frustration. 

And the closed-mindedness that lets you be okay with taking your own anger out on them.

And I have since realized that every single fucking thing wrong with me is a result of how she treated me. Every. Single. Fucking. Thing.

Anyway, I had called Patrick. Or spoken to him online. Or something.

And he played Satellite for me.

On his acoustic, over the phone.

I remember going outside, no shoes, no socks, no coat. And being November, that was not a smart idea. But I'm used to it. I love the winter. And being barefoot in the snow (*The Fountain flashback*)

I remember crying into the phone. And the song didn't carry well, so Patrick played it for me twice.

Then he sent the actual song to me over the internet.

I fell in love with it that night. And it remains my favorite Elliott Smith song to this day.

I have no idea how I remembered that.

My memory is so fucked up.

As a result of my childhood (and then some), I have developed this coping mechanism.

My memory tends to prevent me from retrieving things voluntarily, especially if the memories I wish to retrieve were bad. They are automatically suppressed.

But sometimes they sneak up on me. They surprise me. Startle me.

This was one of those times. I think it was the song I thought of when I looked at the time.

The other memory to which this song directly corresponds is actually quite awesome to be remembering now.

Was it two years ago? But one year, when I was in Florida with my family for spring break, I listened to the same Elliott Smith mix every night while falling asleep. Yes, it must've been 2 years ago.

And I'll be in that same bed in a week and a half! I can't wait! Time to relax... AFTER AN AWESOME 20hr CAR RIDE WITH ISHY!!!! And a Scrubs marathon. The car ride there is my favorite part ^_^

My dad's in Indonesia right now and doesn't get back until shortly before he needs to come pick me up from school... Which is shortly before we leave for Florida... So, unfortunately, I'm probably going to be driving at some point. I hate driving. I told my parents I'll only drive the late night/early morning shift.  So I'll be driving in...... The Carolinas? 

Then nothing but studying Arabic, reading French poetry, and reading, reading, reading the many books I am bringing with me, including a large selection of Joseph Campbell books. Ahhh, I can't wait. And I'll finally have time to play my flute! Gah, I miss it so.

Wow. I'm just rambling.

I'm very happy and content and excited about life.

I had another interview for an internship I want. I was basically told that I'm nearly guaranteed a spot--he's just trying to figure out which spot. I hope I get to translate French!

I got another nose stud today. A nice little one. I like it lots.

Milk & Cookies was awesome. Even given the technical difficulties at the end.

I made it 50 minutes into the movie without crying! New record!

And I didn't sob uncontrollably at the end... Mostly because of the aforementioned technical difficulties....

Jesus. I'm listening to Pandora. And I have everything on shuffle.

Iron & Wine: Passing Afternoon.

One of my most favorite songs ever.

I cry. Every time.

I was sad during winter break, and was watching a House marathon, and this song was used in an episode.

Season 4, Episode 16: Wilson's Heart [season 4 finale]

I fucking bawled.

I couldn't listen to this song for a long time.

It was a song that already touched me every time it graced my ears.

Then House had to add one of my greatest fears to the mix.

Jesus. It was heartwrenching.

Then the song kept coming up on shuffle at work right after the breakup.

Fuck. This song has been with me so long, through so much.

And I love it no less.

It's amazing how music can influence people.

For me, it's one of the main things that recall memories.

Actually, THE main thing.

I used to hate listening to old music.

I used to lose my favorite artists after I left a certain part of my life.

Middle School destroyed the White Stripes for me.

High School lost Elliott Smith and Nirvana for me.

I didn't want to recall those memories.

But since winter break, I have been able to love them again.

I have gotten them back.

Thanks to Anthony.

It's amazing how difficult it is for me to get emotionally attached to people.

But once I do... It makes me feel human again. [OMG BEAUTY AND THE BEAST MOMENT!!!!]

It makes me feel strong. Like everything my mother has done to me no longer matters.

And that everything she is still doing is nothing but an obstacle I can overcome.

hahahaha I sound so moody.

It's just the nighttime.

It does that.

No worries, though.

I am a content moody.

I'm just remembering.

Remembering.

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da...

I WANT TO LEARN ANOTHER LANGUAGE!!!!

randommm :)

This is all just me rambling crazy early in the morning!

Fuuck it's long.

If you made it this far, let me know! You deserve a cookie!

82 DAYS UNTIL THE DECEMBERISTS CONCERT!

I love the little dress I bought for it. It makes me feel cute >.<

Hugs

Hugs mean everything.

You can tell everything through hugs.

That's what gets me through.

They mean everything to me.

To Myself: Give it Time

I miss the cuteness.

It's what could help me most of all, right now.

And the closeness.

Anything.

Nothing that can be helped

It's disheartening.

I'm afraid that things are never going to get back to how they were.

And I feel like it's my fault.

I'm afraid things will never progress.

I know it's early, and I know there hasn't been enough time for healing, but I'm still afraid.

And it's unbelievably disheartening.

It's the great fear that I'm losing something I want more than nearly all else accompanied by that nagging fear that I'm wasting still more of my time and that it's going to be harder to recover from this one.

I kinda wish I hadn't cancelled my appointment for Thursday and moved it to next Thursday.

Even the little things that I put so much emphasis on, the little victories, can't help push this feeling away.

I can't get my heart to listen to what my head is telling it.