From Columbus to Hudson

Really, it doesn't make much sense.

Since getting back I haven't slept well, I haven't been sociable, I haven't been happy.
I've noticed that I have not felt even the most minuscule bit of depression over the past few months until I came back "home".

The funny thing is, I don't consider this place home. This dumb, stupid, bubble city. There is nothing here... unless you believe that one Chipotle gives a city purpose.

I didn't know why I was so depressed until the high school's "Alumni Day" when all last year's seniors go visit. I realized that I was looking forward to seeing my old teachers, specifically JRo & McGowan, but, more than anything, I didn't want to see the people, that group, that used to be my friends.

I do admit, the way I think is very unorthodox. It completely goes against the whole "Best Friends Forever! ^_^" mindset that seems to be unfortunately perpetuated throughout childhood. Maybe it's wishful thinking. Perhaps the parents always wanted to have a basic group of friends, a clan, that would grow with them, so they lay that burden upon their children.

Have you ever noticed that oftentimes the worst thing for a child is their parent?

Well, the way I think is that friends are good. Not a crucial part of survival or a necessary force, but good. Or at least they should be. My particular philosophy is that, one does not need a group of friends, because people tend to be callous and corrupt, instinctively. They tend to adhere to a single person for a certain reason, perhaps because they are rich, perhaps because they find that you are the person they wish to cling to, perhaps because they want to be popular and make everyone happy. I have never thought that was good. I have always thought that having a single person in whom you can place all of your trust is better than being part of a large group in which you can tell certain things to certain people, and to whom you are the same way. It is not so much ungratifying as it is hurtful.

No matter how hard a member of the group tries, they will never to be able to please everyone. There are going to be times when a member of the group desperately needs another member but that needed member is with another member who needs them.

There are other things, like talking amongst the group about other members of the group who are not present. Who to invite to parties. Who to call when you only have so many places for people.

That's what I couldn't stand. So I left the group.

I started focusing my friendship efforts on one or two people at a time.
And of course, people started talking.

But I have been group-less for two full years, and happier.

My issue was, why should I force myself to go to certain get-togethers and be with certain people just so I could be with the people I REALLY wanted to be with?

Sometimes it's not shallow to give up a friendship because it's hard work.
Sometimes maintaining a certain friendship is too taxing and too damn hurtful for it to be worthwhile.
Sometimes the friendships are nothing but drama. There is nothing else but drama, and when that's the case, what kind of friendship is that?


I know it's difficult to understand.
I know it's not the norm.
But it's me.
And it's how I've chosen to live.

Believe it or not, no matter how I make it out to be, it's not easy.

It was not easy to answer the phone and tell my friend that I wouldn't be coming to a party.
It was not easy to have a close friend retained from the group tell me that hurtful things were being said about me.
It was not easy to notice how I would slowly not get invites to parties I loved, particularly the Secret Santa that I thought I should have gotten invited to because I had not yet left the group.
It is not easy to talk to my close friend and realize that I miss the comraderie.
It is not easy to want to spend time with a specific friend to find that that person is busy with the rest of the basic group.
It is still not easy.

I do not regret doing it, not one bit, but I still miss the fun times it was a struggle for me to give up.


When I made the decision, I said to myself, I will take 3 friends with me to my next stage in life.
All the other high school friends will be just that: high school friends.
And so I have.

It's not easy, but it was, and is, for the best.
I still have many, many acquaintances and general friends, but I do not have the group of close friends I used to.
I enjoy spending time with those whom I left behind, my Hudson friends, and don't think any less of them. They are just not my close friends, not the ones to whom I go when having trouble.

I always found it interesting that I have taken more close friends from working at the theatre than I did from high school.

But, to end this lengthy post, that is why I have found myself depressed in this stupid city, this "home" that is not my true home.

It is home for a few weeks because I believe that home is where your bed is.
But if you disagree, I would like you to know that this is sure as hell not where my heart lies.


Feel free to leave comments.
I will not be hurt. I'm through with that.
Although I may answer questions.

Please, don't ask me if you are one of those friends.
If you have to ask, answer this question:
Have I called you from Columbus?